Too cool to not be Cruel.

ElsaGabor's picture

I always seem to find a way to assert my status as a very cold-hearted, damaged individual. I run through a few weeks of being all nice and shit, smiling an laughing; Putting up the ultimate front to mask my loneliness and deep set desperation. Then bam, I make a complete ass of myself, make someone cry, and look absolutely terrible.

I've always had a terrible mean streak in me, ever since I was a very young kid. But its honestly not even on the same level of most others that have it. I can honestly say I may be one of the most verbally harsh and cruel individuals around. It's not even like I try to either, which is the fucked up part. Things just fly out of my mouth when I'm set off, things that just seem to hit people in the worst ways imaginable. I mean I make people cry, I just can't stress that enough.

Growing up I was always the kid that was at the butt end of practical jokes, and like all practical jokes they were often humiliating and demeaning. I took insult after insult after insult. I still remember trying to formulate comebacks aimed my bullies in elementary school, all of which failed horribly and made their taunts about 20x worse. I remember deciding to study them, and almost learning the way of cruel words. My obsession with television certainly contributed to my education in the art of the invective. I still remember watching the Bad Girls Club, all of them fighting, throwing drinks and shade all around that tacky ass mansion. I was fascinated, and I wanted to be as "tough" as they all were.

Sure enough my studies paid off. One day in the 5th grade, that same damn girl that always made fun of me was at it again. Right on time, right before school let out, making fun of my acne and glasses. I turned to her, my voice quivering just a tad and told her: "Shut up Michelle, your face looks like a horse's ass!" In 5th grade terms this was quite the personal curbstomp, and I still remember her bursting into tears and running out of the room crying. I felt the most confusing feeling of both guilt and deep satisfaction, and on that day my status as a mean person was solidified.

I wouldn't say that I'm always on the offensive and seeking to hurt people's feelings, but I still have moments of unnecessary cruelty to others, and the reason why I'm still unsure of. It's probably all rooted back to those days on the playground, trying to prove just how tough I was. Well I guess in the end I won, because now I'm too tough.

Comments

jeff's picture

Hmm...

Instead of pretending you're happy and everything's fine, and then swinging so far in the other direction, maybe find comfortable ground in the middle and be lonely and vulnerable?

Your extremes may be more of the problem, so the more you over-correct, the worse it will eventually get?

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Hey, Sexy Lady! Oppan Gangnam Style...

ElsaGabor's picture

I would agree that my

I would agree that my overbearing control of my emotions is what really drives it to be so extreme at times. I guess I'm just too afraid to be totally honest with my feelings anymore after all the years of people being cruel to me. I hate that now in some instances I've become that person, but I still wonder if anyone really cares about me. I mean I care about the people around me, but I just can't tell if its mutual.

jeff's picture

Well...

I know it's only the Internet, and not the same as people in your everyday life, but I care about you.

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Hey, Sexy Lady! Oppan Gangnam Style...

ElsaGabor's picture

Well Thank You Jeff :)

I really appreciate you saying that, I really do.