radiosilence95's picture

Well, I suppose I'm not depressed anymore, if that's what I even was in the first place. At least I don't feel any sudden urges to cry anymore, so that's a step in the right direction, I think. I'm driven by...something. Scorn? Loathing? Hope for the future? Whatever is driving me through every day, it doesn't feel like anything too positive. Still fill pretty empty. I just don't really care about anything right now. The only two things I can safely say that I genuinely care about are knowledge (obtaining it, using it, getting lost in books and schoolwork) and Brittany.

I don't care that my mom feels like we've been growing apart, I don't care that my two friends Katie and Haylee are experiencing problems in their friendship, I don't care that I feel like I'm sometimes the butt of people's whispered jokes, and I don't care about anybody else (except Brittany). This sounds horrible, but I just can't help it. It's like I went from being mopey and depressed about nothing and everything at the same time to being cold, cynical, uncaring, driven. I'm not sure which is worse.

I guess this current state is better, actually. So I'm cold-hearted and cynical. At least I'm not moping about how nobody loves me. Because I don't care anymore. I don't need anybody. Some people are just meant to be alone, and I guess I'm one of them. Hooray.

I had a wonderful evening dinner with Brittany, Katie, and Haylee last night. My sister is just dying for me to invite Brittany over to my house some weekend just to hang out so she can get to know her better. Ha. That's cute.

I really need to let go of my love for her, but I have no control over that. It's just gotta run its course, I suppose. And I'm fine with that, as long as she remains my best friend. Still, it takes a lot of mental and emotional effort to maintain a close friendship with someone you're in love with. Everybody says it's impossible, but I'm not convinced it is.

I bought this really awesome car magnet. It's a rainbow ribbon that says "Support gay marriage, because everybody should have the choice to be miserable." It gave me a good chuckle and it was two bucks, so I figured why not. The problem is I'm afraid to put it on my car. Isn't that ridiculous, and hypocritical? The biggest reason for my hesitation is that my grandparents will eventually see it and thus the shit storm will be unleashed, but another reason is that I don't want to be teased and tormented by the homophobic assholes both in my school and on the road. What if someone damages my car because of it?


Lehcure's picture

The car magnet phrase made

The car magnet phrase made me laugh! Hang in there, and just keep striving and advancing towards your personal goals. It'll all sort itself out in the meantime.

radiosilence95's picture

Yeah, I love it. If only I

Yeah, I love it. If only I could share my humor with the rest of the world.

elph's picture

I think you're succeeding...

very likely much more than you think.

But... just wait till next fall (i.e., college) and your blooms will be visible to all! :)

anarchist's picture

You're reminding me of myself not too long ago.

Losing my love for Brad was quite a good deal easier than I had anticipated, with his last impression at the end of the summer. He was such a fucking asshole in the last week of school.
But I didn't try to stay friends with him, so I can see how difficult it must be for you.

The bumper sticker reminded me of this. Enjoy:

radiosilence95's picture

The Amazing Atheist! Oh man,

The Amazing Atheist! Oh man, I love that guy. Definitely my favorite YouTuber. Awesome video, as usual. If he was ten years older he should totally run for president. He makes more sense to me than any politician.

anarchist's picture

But politicians act like they make sense.

Terroja Kincaid acts like he makes very little sense, in his presentation methods, when really he makes a lot. So I guess if he said the same things, but in a really boring way, he'd get elected.