Well, I suppose I'm not depressed anymore, if that's what I even was in the first place. At least I don't feel any sudden urges to cry anymore, so that's a step in the right direction, I think. I'm driven by...something. Scorn? Loathing? Hope for the future? Whatever is driving me through every day, it doesn't feel like anything too positive. Still fill pretty empty. I just don't really care about anything right now. The only two things I can safely say that I genuinely care about are knowledge (obtaining it, using it, getting lost in books and schoolwork) and Brittany.
I don't care that my mom feels like we've been growing apart, I don't care that my two friends Katie and Haylee are experiencing problems in their friendship, I don't care that I feel like I'm sometimes the butt of people's whispered jokes, and I don't care about anybody else (except Brittany). This sounds horrible, but I just can't help it. It's like I went from being mopey and depressed about nothing and everything at the same time to being cold, cynical, uncaring, driven. I'm not sure which is worse.
I guess this current state is better, actually. So I'm cold-hearted and cynical. At least I'm not moping about how nobody loves me. Because I don't care anymore. I don't need anybody. Some people are just meant to be alone, and I guess I'm one of them. Hooray.
I had a wonderful evening dinner with Brittany, Katie, and Haylee last night. My sister is just dying for me to invite Brittany over to my house some weekend just to hang out so she can get to know her better. Ha. That's cute.
I really need to let go of my love for her, but I have no control over that. It's just gotta run its course, I suppose. And I'm fine with that, as long as she remains my best friend. Still, it takes a lot of mental and emotional effort to maintain a close friendship with someone you're in love with. Everybody says it's impossible, but I'm not convinced it is.
I bought this really awesome car magnet. It's a rainbow ribbon that says "Support gay marriage, because everybody should have the choice to be miserable." It gave me a good chuckle and it was two bucks, so I figured why not. The problem is I'm afraid to put it on my car. Isn't that ridiculous, and hypocritical? The biggest reason for my hesitation is that my grandparents will eventually see it and thus the shit storm will be unleashed, but another reason is that I don't want to be teased and tormented by the homophobic assholes both in my school and on the road. What if someone damages my car because of it?