A Complete Turnaround

ElsaGabor's picture

I just got on my old account I used to write on when I was about fifteen. I'm utterly disgusted and disappointed in myself right now. I mean what the hell was I doing? It's all just so... dark. Every word and every punctuation is just bursting at the seams with desperation. Some quotes that really struck me:

"...either way we all die eventually might as well make it come quicker. Bad philosophy? Yes. Should I get clean? Maybe. I'm having too much fun right now."

What fun? Fun coming home fried outta my mind and depressed as shit?

"...it'll be harmless fun..... I nearly killed myself. I broke out in hives, red all over, itching all over my body, heart racing.... fuck.

I remember this far too well. I had overdosed that day and about died. I remember is being deathly cold. The visions of my mother crying over my grave were the most traumatic moments of my life.

"This really is my whole existence. Get wasted, get high, get laid, and go die."

True, at that point of my life that was really all I had. Pretty sad, huh?

Above all the saddest was when I posted the lyrics to the Esther Phillips song "Home is Where the Hatred is." The lyrics are some of the most desperate and hopeless words I've ever seen. It really defined me, which isn't a good thing. At all.

"...it might not be such a bad idea if i never, if i never went home again
home again
home again
home again
kick it, quit it
kick it, quit it
kick it, quit it
kick it, can't go home again"

At least I'm actually stable and actually clean, rather than just sobering up for a week or two and then falling back into old habits. I'm just dumbstruck by how I survived all of that negativity. There was such a fog of anxiety and self-loathing that I couldn't even function. Guess God watched out for me and helped me when I needed it most. And a thanks to Oasis. Probably wouldn't be here without it.

Comments

jeff's picture

Hmm...

Well, sometimes looking back on that old stuff is good to show you how far you've come...

Glad you pulled through, girl!

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"I am living this life as lovingly as I can be as flawed as I am." - Brandon Lacy Campos