a last journal, for a while, at least.

angel syndrome's picture

(http://mustaphamond.bandcamp.com/track/blood-moon) ✂ Blood Moon by Mustapha Mond

I have found myself in the midst of a small storm, yet the smaller sea within me has mostly managed to stay calm and collected. I am finding myself strong, these days, I am finding who I am and what it means to be alive. Jeff once said to me that we are limited to our human experience - I am only understanding this now. There are no other guarantees other than our own feelings, our own past and more importantly our own present. Outside of this, nothing is certain.

My relationship, even though it is the source of much adversity, has turned into a source of comfort and understanding. To quote Tablo, he is both my umbrella and my rain. My rain is his heroin addiction and the strain he placed for a moment between my parents and I (he is no longer welcome within their home but they respect my relationship with him), my umbrella is his newfound motivation to make things better for himself. He will be going to a detox program this week, and the next he will be staying with me since my family will be away, keeping him off heroin again, and shortly later we'll be travelling together for a few days. He has taken steps to insure a legal income in the near future, has established short-term goals to enable his return to education, and sincerely wants to stay away from opiates both for his sake and mine. There is no insurance that things will turn out well, but things appear to be looking up at the moment. It is comforting.

He means so much to me - I am unable to truly explain it. But I cannot even truly consider what I must mean to him. Raised in a conservative, religious family, sent to a conversion camp by seventeen, removed shortly thereafter, living a day-to-day daze ever since, it is safe to say that life did not deal him the best hand of cards. One day this week, we went to the museum and he spent the last of whatever money he had to buy an on-sale book for me. Coins that could have been spent on dope, I must precise. An opiate addict choosing my happiness over his fix. He said to me, "You, and a few others, are a family to me" and "You are the most important thing that has ever happened to me". I am fortunate to love so much and to be so loved. Most people die looking for the chance. By logic, I should never have trusted him, but I am glad I have chosen to do so. It is a true experience in the art of being human, a constant inner debate between what is right and wrong, and a reminder that in every moment lies a choice between denial and acceptance.

Through all this I have decided that I will change my career path so that I may one day be a social worker or addiction counsellor - I have found much joy in his will to change and in my part in it. Should I be helping others do the same, I think I will find fulfillment and true joy.

I once had dreams of being an angel, otherworldly and broken, because I did not want to live in the real world. I called these dreams Angel Syndrome and spent a large part of my teenage boyhood sick with them. I thought things such as "The world is a cold, loveless place", "I am nothing but the Other's perception", "I want to be lifeless", and "I am unable".

Life without empathy for others is meaningless. Life spent worrying on the past or the future is meaningless. Life obsessed with the aesthetic and the plastic is meaningless.

I leave with this advice :

Focus on the present. Try to simply "be". Whenever possible, be kind to others. Always be kind to yourself. Find comfort in good books, warm baths, and a favorite tea. Realize that every single moment you are alive is a moment you are choosing to be alive. When the world seems cruel, remember that even within the biggest city a flower grows between the cracks in the cement. Be thankful for every blessing, and use every curse as an opportunity to learn and better yourself. Look for beauty everywhere, for even the deepest tragedies contain their moments of poetry. Remember that before you are anything, you are human. Try to include, whenever possible, the entire world within your definition of self, and in doing so, be the best you can be.

The Earth has never given up on anyone, it gives everything to provide for its inhabitants. People give up on themselves and on others. I promise never to give up on myself until the Earth does so, and pledge to try my hardest to have empathy and faith in other people.

For those who wish to keep in touch, I will post links to social networks on my user page. Don't hesitate to speak to me if you'd like to check in or share how you're doing - I'd be glad to hear. I'd like to thank everyone here who has provided me with support.

I hope everyone here finds peace within themselves, and I wish you all good-bye and good-luck.


MacAvity's picture

'for a while, at least'

You'll always be welcome here, even if you don't feel you need it anymore.

I am sincerely glad you've found something meaningful, and I wish the best for you always.

elph's picture

Wishing you the best of good fortune!

You are and have been a shining star here on Oasis: an angel in training! :)

I am sorry to see you leave... please make your absence only a short hiatus. In the meantime... you'll be sorely missed!


Dracofangxxx's picture

Love you dude

Good to hear from you... keep in touch :)
That's redick!

poetic_star's picture

I hope everything goes well

I hope everything goes well for you and I'm happy that your boyfriend is putting your happiness above his own. That's probably the best thing in the world and you truly deserve it. I'll be checking in with you :D

MaddieJoy's picture

Goodbye Angel Syndrome.

Goodbye Angel Syndrome.

radiosilence95's picture

You're always welcome back

You're always welcome back here, when you need it. We'll miss you. Perhaps we need you more than you need us. I don't know.

jeff's picture

This is...

part of the lifecycle of Oasis, one that always yields two emotions.

First, obviously I'm always happy when someone feels secure and confident enough in who they are to not need this support system anymore. That's kind of the point of the site at present. You build yourself up, until you don't need it to catch you and help you anymore. That certainly seems to be the case with you.

Second, I'm sad that both your words will stop here and that the support you give to others will also not exist anymore. I mean, Oasis is your greatest repository of words online, so hopefully that sort of writing, even if contained in a notebook, diary, letters, etc., continues, even if no one else reads it.

And, of course, as others have pointed out, you're always welcome to come back and check in here.

Personally, well... you know.

"I am living this life as lovingly as I can be as flawed as I am." - Brandon Lacy Campos

angel syndrome's picture

a one direction icon REALLY

a one direction icon

elph's picture


They came... he saw... and Harry conquered!

I know, life's strange. :)

Bosemaster42's picture

Oh my,

It's wonderful you're feeling more confident about yourself. I hope and wish you success in turning your friend around. He is blessed to have you in his life, and it sounds like he is sincere about getting off of heroin.
Although, I have only been on here a short time, I will certainly miss your words. I'll have to check those links, it would be nice to keep in touch.
I wish you the best in your endeavors, peace bro.