My sister is 9 years old. She has absolutely no clue that I like girls. But I was on the phone this evening, and I was laughing at this ridiculous story one of my friends (who is a gay guy) was telling, and she said, "I bet you're on the phone with ____ because you two are the gay unicorns!"
...What. I have never been allowed to tell her because of her age, so I just laughed it off, and my mom heard, and now we are both very confused at what just happened. All this child officially knows is that I "never want a boyfriend!"
In other news, I keep trying to write stuff, but I don't understand. I have this ongoing internal monologue that sounds halfway intelligent, but whenever I sit down to write anything, I sound like a drunk 5-year-old or something.
I'm always thinking lately. It just doesn't seem real that in a few short months, this oppressive little town in backwoods Mississippi won't mean a damn thing to me anymore. It will never be able to trap me again. I would be ecstatic if I never had to even so much as set foot within this state ever again, but even after my mom moves, there are still people I have to visit here, so I guess I do have to return briefly at some point... (Did I tell you guys that my grandpa finished his cancer treatment?) But it's not home. It can never be, because it's the saddest, most despicable place I've ever been. I'm still looking for my home. I hope it doesn't take very long to find.
Knowing that soon I will be able to leave makes my world a little brighter, though. I am very happy right now because I know that nothing I do here will matter unless I want it to. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me because I never have to see them again if I don't want to. Oddly enough, that actually makes me feel better about talking to people because I'm not constantly worried about what I'm saying. It makes things much easier, and I hope I can keep this feeling, even when I do leave, because for the first time in 18 years, I feel like a socially functional human being. On Friday, for example, someone I never would have expected referred to me as their friend, which was interesting.
I hope I can undo some of the damage I've endured as a result of living here. I think maybe a big part of the reason I've had such a hard time socially for most of my life is the fact that I have always been made to feel like an outsider. Until I was 16 and it mostly died down, it was always something. Whether it was my interests, or the fact that I'm gay (which is mostly ignored or not taken seriously now for some reason, but I guess it is safer that way), or even something as petty as the fact that I don't have a Mississippi accent, it was always something. I don't really understand because I was always taught to be civil to everyone, even those I dislike. My parents never acted like people who belong in such a small, insular place, even though my dad grew up here, so I never acted like it either. That scared people, I guess. I don't know... I just can't exist in such a small, nosy environment.
Sometimes, I still fear that I will never have a girlfriend or that my friends don't actually like me, but I know logically that this is not the case. I know that when I think these things, I'm just basing it off of the remnants of those feelings of alienation.
I don't know why I'm writing all this out. It's mostly just for me to sort out my thoughts, I guess.
Hmm. I wish I had more time to draw. I miss it a lot. I've been trying to do it more, but I just can't most of the time. Like, last week, I had a sudden surge of ideas, but I was at school, so I couldn't do anything about it. I mean, I could have sketched it out on some notebook paper and then did a better version when I got home, but for some reason, I just cannot draw at school. It feels so uncomfortable because it draws unwanted attention to myself. But I get all these ideas there, and then when I get home, the inspiration is gone...
So, anyway, speaking of school, there is, of course, the obligatory school stuff. I might actually get all A's this quarter! It all depends on my calculus grade. I had an A, but I messed up a little on the last test, and now it's a B+. I still have a couple of weeks to fix it, though. If I do make an A in there, then it will be the first time I've had all A's since one quarter in 10th grade. I think the last time I had all A's before that was maybe 6th or 7th grade.
Also, in January, I will find out my updated GPA and class rank. I was third in my class the last time it was calculated, but after comparing information with my competition, we all agree that there is a pretty big chance I will become second. (Then I'll have to give a speech! Eeek!) It kind of sucks that the two other people who have a realistic chance at becoming the salutatorian just so happen to be two of my most wonderful friends. I love them both so much, and I just hate that only one of us can win. I don't want either of them to get mad at me. When one of them realized that she will probably lose, she looked a bit upset, and I just wanted to give her a big hug and split the title three ways so all of us could be salutatorians and buy the world a Coke and teach it to sing in perfect harmony, but that cannot be! Instead, I just apologized and promised not to be an asshole if I win. I know some schools allow there to be more than one, but not mine. It's a shame none of us can get valedictorian. I already talked about the valedictorian situation recently, though, so I won't get into that.
Oh, and I'm going to get a decision from one of my top-choice colleges this month. I'm nervous. I really hope I get in! The acceptance rate is like, 35%, so I'm worried a little. I can't wait for all the uncertainty to be over.