According to my sister, I am a wonderful gay unicorn.

Super Duck's picture

My sister is 9 years old. She has absolutely no clue that I like girls. But I was on the phone this evening, and I was laughing at this ridiculous story one of my friends (who is a gay guy) was telling, and she said, "I bet you're on the phone with ____ because you two are the gay unicorns!"

...What. I have never been allowed to tell her because of her age, so I just laughed it off, and my mom heard, and now we are both very confused at what just happened. All this child officially knows is that I "never want a boyfriend!"

In other news, I keep trying to write stuff, but I don't understand. I have this ongoing internal monologue that sounds halfway intelligent, but whenever I sit down to write anything, I sound like a drunk 5-year-old or something.

I'm always thinking lately. It just doesn't seem real that in a few short months, this oppressive little town in backwoods Mississippi won't mean a damn thing to me anymore. It will never be able to trap me again. I would be ecstatic if I never had to even so much as set foot within this state ever again, but even after my mom moves, there are still people I have to visit here, so I guess I do have to return briefly at some point... (Did I tell you guys that my grandpa finished his cancer treatment?) But it's not home. It can never be, because it's the saddest, most despicable place I've ever been. I'm still looking for my home. I hope it doesn't take very long to find.

Knowing that soon I will be able to leave makes my world a little brighter, though. I am very happy right now because I know that nothing I do here will matter unless I want it to. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me because I never have to see them again if I don't want to. Oddly enough, that actually makes me feel better about talking to people because I'm not constantly worried about what I'm saying. It makes things much easier, and I hope I can keep this feeling, even when I do leave, because for the first time in 18 years, I feel like a socially functional human being. On Friday, for example, someone I never would have expected referred to me as their friend, which was interesting.

I hope I can undo some of the damage I've endured as a result of living here. I think maybe a big part of the reason I've had such a hard time socially for most of my life is the fact that I have always been made to feel like an outsider. Until I was 16 and it mostly died down, it was always something. Whether it was my interests, or the fact that I'm gay (which is mostly ignored or not taken seriously now for some reason, but I guess it is safer that way), or even something as petty as the fact that I don't have a Mississippi accent, it was always something. I don't really understand because I was always taught to be civil to everyone, even those I dislike. My parents never acted like people who belong in such a small, insular place, even though my dad grew up here, so I never acted like it either. That scared people, I guess. I don't know... I just can't exist in such a small, nosy environment.

Sometimes, I still fear that I will never have a girlfriend or that my friends don't actually like me, but I know logically that this is not the case. I know that when I think these things, I'm just basing it off of the remnants of those feelings of alienation.

I don't know why I'm writing all this out. It's mostly just for me to sort out my thoughts, I guess.

Hmm. I wish I had more time to draw. I miss it a lot. I've been trying to do it more, but I just can't most of the time. Like, last week, I had a sudden surge of ideas, but I was at school, so I couldn't do anything about it. I mean, I could have sketched it out on some notebook paper and then did a better version when I got home, but for some reason, I just cannot draw at school. It feels so uncomfortable because it draws unwanted attention to myself. But I get all these ideas there, and then when I get home, the inspiration is gone...

So, anyway, speaking of school, there is, of course, the obligatory school stuff. I might actually get all A's this quarter! It all depends on my calculus grade. I had an A, but I messed up a little on the last test, and now it's a B+. I still have a couple of weeks to fix it, though. If I do make an A in there, then it will be the first time I've had all A's since one quarter in 10th grade. I think the last time I had all A's before that was maybe 6th or 7th grade.

Also, in January, I will find out my updated GPA and class rank. I was third in my class the last time it was calculated, but after comparing information with my competition, we all agree that there is a pretty big chance I will become second. (Then I'll have to give a speech! Eeek!) It kind of sucks that the two other people who have a realistic chance at becoming the salutatorian just so happen to be two of my most wonderful friends. I love them both so much, and I just hate that only one of us can win. I don't want either of them to get mad at me. When one of them realized that she will probably lose, she looked a bit upset, and I just wanted to give her a big hug and split the title three ways so all of us could be salutatorians and buy the world a Coke and teach it to sing in perfect harmony, but that cannot be! Instead, I just apologized and promised not to be an asshole if I win. I know some schools allow there to be more than one, but not mine. It's a shame none of us can get valedictorian. I already talked about the valedictorian situation recently, though, so I won't get into that.

Oh, and I'm going to get a decision from one of my top-choice colleges this month. I'm nervous. I really hope I get in! The acceptance rate is like, 35%, so I'm worried a little. I can't wait for all the uncertainty to be over.

Comments

Bosemaster42's picture

Your sister,

Has either overheard one of your conversations, or she's a pretty intuitive 9 year old. I guess you can't help but giggle about it.
When you say write 'stuff', what stuff are you referring to? Ideas?
Disregard how you may think your writing sounds and just let the words
come out, you can always edit anything that may sound awkward.
Whenever you're inspired to write or draw, you should just do it. If you're worried about people peeking, just write casually, as if you're taking notes or doing homework.
Congratulations on your grades, sounds like you shouldn't have any trouble getting into the college of your choice, good luck with that.

Super Duck's picture

By "writing" I mean my posts

By "writing" I mean my posts on here and stuff. I never know what I want to say when I sit down to type it all.

I really wish I could feel at ease drawing at school, but people always look and ask me to explain it to them, and I just want them to leave me alone. People tend to be nosy! :(

Thank you! I really hope I get in!

Bosemaster42's picture

Oh,

You didn't seem to have any trouble above. Yeah, people can be nosy and rude. Your welcome.

elph's picture

Maybe I'm one of them...

...I don't want to be. But... somehow, I feel that I may have been invited. :)

See that smiley face? Then look here:

http://www.oasisjournals.com/2012/11/chopped-pecans#comment-192008

Then two more: :) :)

Bosemaster42's picture

No,

I was referring to people(in this case high schoolers) who are nosy. You know, when you draw in school, classmates have a tendency to try to see what you're doing or sometimes even make rude remarks about something you drew. Don't worry Keith, I still love you. I look at it this way, I don't need spell-check(Hate It!) when I have you to correct me.

elph's picture

Thanks!

But... you do know that you can go back and make any correction you wish? Just strike edit, make the correction, and then post!

btw: "spell-check" would probably have let a your/you're error pass undetected! A "grammar-check" might have worked... dunno :)

What I do abhor are those programs that auto-correct! If one fails to notice the "corrections" when they occur, you'll likely discover (much too late) that you've "said" something that is totally non-sensical!

****

I hereby promise no more grammar-spelling innuendo from me... for at least a month! :)

Bosemaster42's picture

Well,

I'm not terribly concerned about correcting a blog response in the past. I did do that with my poem 'Graveside Serenade' because you caught my spelling error before anyone else had a chance to read it. It would have been more embarassing to have entered that poem in the contest, if I had'nt made the correction. So, that was very helpful.
I don't like any of those programs, they don't recognize names, places, and other things, as well. Slows down the creative process.
Ha!Ha! I bet you can't last that long, considering your background and all.