I've had an emotional roller coaster of a week. On Thursday night, I had one of the best moments of my entire life, but tonight was... painful. I feel a bunch of different things right now.
For most of my life, a lot of the people I've known, with the exception of my parents, my grandpa, and a select few friends, have always told me I couldn't. I couldn't leave here, I couldn't be successful, I couldn't do this, I couldn't do that. But on Thursday night, the good people in an admissions office in Boston decided that I could. I had to read their decision three times before I was able to comprehend that it was real. Even then, I still checked it again later to make sure. I've never been so happy in all my life. It's more than a college acceptance letter, you know? It's a door leading out of here, which is all I've really wanted for years. It's the one thing I've always needed. (And I should have some more coming over the next few months!)
And tonight, I was reminded of just how much I've always needed that letter. I'm sure some of you remember the French Class Girl from 9th and 10th grade. Yes, the infamous FCG. If you weren't here for that whole saga, here's a run-on sentence to catch you up. Basically, there was an older girl in my French class, and I picked on her all the time for the longest time because I was really dumb in 9th grade, and then I realized I was dumb and stopped picking on her and became friends with her, then I caught feelings, and even though many things she said/did heavily implied that she liked girls too, it never went anywhere, and after 6 agonizing months of will they/won't they, she graduated, and I became this horrible, anxious, high-strung, regretful mess for the whole second half of 2011.
I will never forget how I felt the day she left. It was one of the worst days I've ever had, and I still, all this time later, cannot put that feeling into words. It still hurts me to think of it. I think maybe FCG broke my stupid little heart.
Tonight, she and I just so happened to be in the same place at the same time. Until tonight, I had not seen her or spoken to her since I was 16 years old. (Wow, I just realized I met her when I was only 14, and I'm 18 now. Where did time go?) When I noticed her, I started to get very uncomfortable, and I hoped that she would not notice me, but she did. I did not let it show how I was feeling. She hugged me twice, which was a little bit weird for me, as you can probably imagine. She acted very happy to see me, and that actually made me a little mad. I'll explain more on that in a minute, but it isn't really a rational reason. We talked about idle things. When she asked about school, I told her about my acceptance and the possibility of me moving to Boston, and she thought that this was great and that I needed to get as far away from here as possible. I asked her if she likes college, and she said it's "sooooo great." Then she asked about my mom, of course. That was really the only normal thing. It really, really didn't feel like we were Super Duck and FCG. I don't know who we were instead.
What happened is, my mom's car is in the shop, so I was picking her up, and we decided to get dinner at this place that always seems to make me run into people I would rather not see. (I should really stop going there.) My mom knows FCG and I used to be friends, but she doesn't know the story at all, so she kept asking me all these questions about FCG that I felt awkward answering because FCG was only like 15 feet away, and I was scared she would hear, and I was also scared I would get upset and reveal too much, so I was like, "Mom, just stop talking about her," and I'm scared she heard and thinks something bad, when really I'm just hurt. But I don't think she heard because I don't speak very loudly.
I was such a mess for months after FCG. I know she has no way of knowing what her effect on me was, but I still felt this irrational sort of anger that she would act like everything was normal tonight. Why did she ignore me so much? If she was so happy to see me tonight, two fucking years after we were even friends, why wasn't she happy to hear from me back then, right after she left? That made me get all anxious and stop trying to talk to her, which was my fault, but the anxiety it created carried over to other aspects of my life and pervaded everything for several months that year. No one likes to feel unwanted and be terrified and anxious of basically everything in the universe, but that was what it was like for me. I know it sounds a little dumb when I type it all out, but it was all very, very real to me. It was a lot like how I felt when I was a little kid and had all these weird issues that made me scared of everything and obsessively wash my hands. You know, I started obsessively washing my hands again for some reason after FCG, and I just realized that I actually still do it sometimes because it makes me feel better, even though I hate it.
I was already not feeling so great because I had just left my grandparents' house, where I was fixing their computer. Last night, I called my grandma and told her I got into college, and all she said was, "Well, shit." Long story short, she does not really want me to be successful and happy, but it upset me that my own grandmother couldn't swallow her own pettiness long enough to say congratulations to me after I received the best news of my life. I was hoping she would today since the news would have had time to sink in, but she didn't.
I just really can't wait to be away from here because then I can finally close the door on all of my weird bullshit, lock it, and throw away the key.