And I'll be holding all the tickets, and you'll be owning all the fines.

Super Duck's picture

I've had an emotional roller coaster of a week. On Thursday night, I had one of the best moments of my entire life, but tonight was... painful. I feel a bunch of different things right now.

For most of my life, a lot of the people I've known, with the exception of my parents, my grandpa, and a select few friends, have always told me I couldn't. I couldn't leave here, I couldn't be successful, I couldn't do this, I couldn't do that. But on Thursday night, the good people in an admissions office in Boston decided that I could. I had to read their decision three times before I was able to comprehend that it was real. Even then, I still checked it again later to make sure. I've never been so happy in all my life. It's more than a college acceptance letter, you know? It's a door leading out of here, which is all I've really wanted for years. It's the one thing I've always needed. (And I should have some more coming over the next few months!)

And tonight, I was reminded of just how much I've always needed that letter. I'm sure some of you remember the French Class Girl from 9th and 10th grade. Yes, the infamous FCG. If you weren't here for that whole saga, here's a run-on sentence to catch you up. Basically, there was an older girl in my French class, and I picked on her all the time for the longest time because I was really dumb in 9th grade, and then I realized I was dumb and stopped picking on her and became friends with her, then I caught feelings, and even though many things she said/did heavily implied that she liked girls too, it never went anywhere, and after 6 agonizing months of will they/won't they, she graduated, and I became this horrible, anxious, high-strung, regretful mess for the whole second half of 2011.

I will never forget how I felt the day she left. It was one of the worst days I've ever had, and I still, all this time later, cannot put that feeling into words. It still hurts me to think of it. I think maybe FCG broke my stupid little heart.

Tonight, she and I just so happened to be in the same place at the same time. Until tonight, I had not seen her or spoken to her since I was 16 years old. (Wow, I just realized I met her when I was only 14, and I'm 18 now. Where did time go?) When I noticed her, I started to get very uncomfortable, and I hoped that she would not notice me, but she did. I did not let it show how I was feeling. She hugged me twice, which was a little bit weird for me, as you can probably imagine. She acted very happy to see me, and that actually made me a little mad. I'll explain more on that in a minute, but it isn't really a rational reason. We talked about idle things. When she asked about school, I told her about my acceptance and the possibility of me moving to Boston, and she thought that this was great and that I needed to get as far away from here as possible. I asked her if she likes college, and she said it's "sooooo great." Then she asked about my mom, of course. That was really the only normal thing. It really, really didn't feel like we were Super Duck and FCG. I don't know who we were instead.

What happened is, my mom's car is in the shop, so I was picking her up, and we decided to get dinner at this place that always seems to make me run into people I would rather not see. (I should really stop going there.) My mom knows FCG and I used to be friends, but she doesn't know the story at all, so she kept asking me all these questions about FCG that I felt awkward answering because FCG was only like 15 feet away, and I was scared she would hear, and I was also scared I would get upset and reveal too much, so I was like, "Mom, just stop talking about her," and I'm scared she heard and thinks something bad, when really I'm just hurt. But I don't think she heard because I don't speak very loudly.

I was such a mess for months after FCG. I know she has no way of knowing what her effect on me was, but I still felt this irrational sort of anger that she would act like everything was normal tonight. Why did she ignore me so much? If she was so happy to see me tonight, two fucking years after we were even friends, why wasn't she happy to hear from me back then, right after she left? That made me get all anxious and stop trying to talk to her, which was my fault, but the anxiety it created carried over to other aspects of my life and pervaded everything for several months that year. No one likes to feel unwanted and be terrified and anxious of basically everything in the universe, but that was what it was like for me. I know it sounds a little dumb when I type it all out, but it was all very, very real to me. It was a lot like how I felt when I was a little kid and had all these weird issues that made me scared of everything and obsessively wash my hands. You know, I started obsessively washing my hands again for some reason after FCG, and I just realized that I actually still do it sometimes because it makes me feel better, even though I hate it.

I was already not feeling so great because I had just left my grandparents' house, where I was fixing their computer. Last night, I called my grandma and told her I got into college, and all she said was, "Well, shit." Long story short, she does not really want me to be successful and happy, but it upset me that my own grandmother couldn't swallow her own pettiness long enough to say congratulations to me after I received the best news of my life. I was hoping she would today since the news would have had time to sink in, but she didn't.

I just really can't wait to be away from here because then I can finally close the door on all of my weird bullshit, lock it, and throw away the key.

Comments

hellonwheels's picture

Congrats on Boston!

Although, if you become a red socks fan, you will NEVER hear the end of it from me :)

I am glad to hear that you are ready to leave. We all need that little shove out the door at times.

Also, on FCG...I can understand your emotional response to her ignoring you for so long, or to her being there....but...Did you at least get her phone number? I mean, it seems like maybe she is a little more out there since college, hasn't forgotten you, etc.

maybe it would be good to get a dialogue going again betwixt you guys.

hell
Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

Super Duck's picture

Well, I don't watch a lot of

Well, I don't watch a lot of sports, so I may be safe, but you never know! :P

I got her phone number when I was 16, but it didn't really change anything. She ignored me like half the time I tried to contact her, so I felt like I was annoying her and just gave up.

radiosilence95's picture

I'm glad you got accepted to

I'm glad you got accepted to Boston. I totally understand, too. There's this overwhelming need to get the hell out of your hometown, to experience new things and get away from everyone you've grown up around, and until you leave, you feel like you're trapped in static.

And, about FCG, we really can't control who we develop feelings for. I used to think that was bullshit, but it's not. You'll forget about her eventually. Feelings always fade overtime if they're not reciprocated.

Super Duck's picture

"Trapped in static" is the

"Trapped in static" is the perfect description. My hometown is a rapidly-shrinking dump. I will honestly be surprised if there is anything left of the area in 15 or 20 years.

I don't like FCG anymore. I haven't in months. But it still hurt to see her and to think about all those old feelings.

Bosemaster42's picture

Hey Congratulations!

So BU accepted you? Sweet! "Trapped in Static" would be a great name for a band, I think, no? Sorry, your encounter with FCG brought you down a notch, but, life is like that sometimes, with seeing people you'd rather not. Anyway, I'm happy for you. You'll have to check out the Refuge Cafe in Allston. Their coffee is the best in the area, in my opinion, and pretty good food too.(Although a little pricey)
Maybe your grandma's reaction was her being surprised? IDK.

Super Duck's picture

It was Northeastern,

It was Northeastern, actually. I'm still waiting on BU's decision, but I won't hear from them until the spring. 

I don't think my grandma was surprised. I think she's just being a bitch. She is never happy when anything good happens to me. I mean, I kind of expected this reaction, but it still hurt a little. When I was 15 or 16, she told me that she would kill herself if I ever moved out of Mississippi and became happy. Who says that to someone, especially their own grandchild!?

Bosemaster42's picture

Wow,

That is a bit of unnecessary dramatics. I can never understand why certain adults say shit like that. It usually has the opposite effect.
Northeastern? Still awesome! Congrats again, shit what will you do if both accept you? Not that it's a bad position to be in.

Super Duck's picture

She would never go through

She would never go through with it. It's an empty threat. She treated my dad the same, but he let it get to him, so he has never really been very happy.

If I get accepted by both, I will pick the one that gives me the best financial aid, haha. I'd be beyond ecstatic to go to either one.