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lonewolf678's picture

I've been juggling a few things lately. Perhaps it's stress or maybe unresolved issues that I've been putting off their being dealt with. In fact it's the things around me that affect me the most when I observe the things that do go on in everyday life as it is around here for me and my family, or what's left of it.

My Mother, she does well for herself and this cannot be said for my sister. My sister... what can I say, or what am I allowed to say. Allah and all the Angels in Heaven forbid it that I say one negative thing. My Mother must be in denial. My Father, he's lucky. He's seperated from this crap and I wish I'd be seperated from it too.

I have nothing else on that matter. However I think I should revisit something I've not written about in quite sometime. I know my Mother and Father love me and are probably proud of me, although for the sake of my being humble I try to think that they are satisfied at least with me. But sometimes I wonder if I'm a good son.

I don't know what makes me think of this one thing. But sometimes when I make a mistake or say sorry too many times it tends to upset my mother. Then I feel worse and I feel like a bad son. Although things smooth out and return to my version of normality, I must admit that sometimes I wonder.

Especially recently I've felt disappointed in myself when I had to drop a class since the workload I had was growing exponentially. I felt like a failure, like a slacker, even though I tried so hard. But I had to cut my losses and move on. Still though I doubt my academic integrity and confidence. I felt almost depressed when I dropped it.

But still here I am alive so I praise Allah for that. Again sometime I do wonder. And then I wonder more on one topic than any most times. Sometimes when I lay in my bed at night, when I feel myself drifting off to sleep I cling to a pillow close. And I feel a bit lonely, it feels as if there is something I'm missing.

Something at this point in my life, sure there are plenty of people my age going out and forming relationships. And I wonder, sure I am in college and I can't really afford the cost and time I must invest into a relationship with a someone but.... but, I know that this is a time in my life when I should explore and test many things.

I find myself sometimes fantasizing of a relationship with someone. I know this not to be impossible, after all this is such a big world. But sometimes it seems like an impossible and daunting task to find a love. Trial, error, heartache, heartbreak, I honestly don't know how many times I'd need to go through that.

Indeed these are things one must go through but it often seems to be more trouble than it's worth. Perhaps it's better to be in my home concentrating on things, but this feeling just will not leave. It does not prevent my average everyday self but in the night I find myself coming back to the same empty bed.

Not a sexual thing, but the idea of physically being next to a significant other. One who'd be there from the moment I close my eyes to the moment when I awake to see him there. Maybe it's isolation causing me to feel the way I do, but even then this feeling will again arise. Perhaps I'm just complaining again.

I still love life, and living it. But sometimes I do want to share my life. Sometimes I need to share things. Sometimes I just don't know, things can get so lonely.

Comments

ElsaGabor's picture

It's more trouble than its worth,

unless the person is really someone you want to be with. Good relationships don't have to be all of those things, only the bad ones. Sure you'll find trial, heartache, heartbreak along the way, but if its someone who's good all of the positives will outweigh the negatives.

lonewolf678's picture

Yeah,

you're right. Thanks for commenting. :-)

ElsaGabor's picture

Anytime :)

Anytime :)

jeff's picture

Well...

There is no excuse for not pursuing love, and I'd advise you to get on that ASAP before it becomes a habit, as can easily happen.

---
"I am living this life as lovingly as I can be as flawed as I am." - Brandon Lacy Campos

elph's picture

Friends first!

And then --- if you're exceptionally compatible (likely requiring mutual efforts) --- love may evolve!

jeff's picture

Well...

There is no path for this stuff. Sure, if it's a fellow student, friendship may be the natural next step. In other cases, you might just go out on a date. In others, you could wake up the next morning with someone and think you'd like to spend more time with them. All perfectly reasonable paths.

---
"I am living this life as lovingly as I can be as flawed as I am." - Brandon Lacy Campos

elph's picture

You're quite correct...

there is no path... and no rule book!

My suggestion of "friends first" always seems to evoke an obligatory rebuttal implying: much too inefficient! Any comment from me about the importance of friendships in our lives is received as being much too namby-pamby... old fashioned... not "with it."

Yep... casual pick-ups work for many... especially for those whose measure of a meaningful gay relationship is reflected solely in the count of the number of non-self-induced orgasms exchanged in a specified period of time! There's no denying that in this respect, casual pick-ups will always win... hands down!

Although left quite ambiguous, your rebuttal encourages the reader to understand that time spent in pursuing friendships could be time wasted.

I could not disagree more vehemently...

jeff's picture

Well...

I just don't know how is there is no path and no rule book, as you agree above, yet there is still always one natural first step. Especially when, like in this case, we're dealing with a fictional projection and not an actual situation.

So, we don't know who this person is, what the situation is, any actual words said, the setting... absolutely nothing. But, friends first is the best way to proceed? I just don't see how that can be known. Plus, I merely widened the options. I don't see where I'm promoting one over another or dismissing yours as ONE of the paths.

I agree that there is always an inference in this debate. You wrongly assume what I mean, argue with it, and then object to the shallowness of what I'm not suggesting while presenting it as my thesis.

My best friend has been with his boyfriend for 8 years. Their start? Drunken hook-up and they've been inseparable ever since. I know too many of those stories to count, many with long-term success.

I personally have many friends now that were aborted dating situations. And I have stayed in contact with many one-night stands and consider them my friends, too. All are examples where friendship was absent at the beginning, but has eventually joined the party.

So, yes, if you fill in my supposed ambiguity incorrectly, I would disagree with your conclusion, too. ;-)

---
"I am living this life as lovingly as I can be as flawed as I am." - Brandon Lacy Campos

elph's picture

Anecdotes and misreadings! :(

"…yet there is still always one natural first step." Underlining is mine.

This is a misstatement: I did not suggest that there is a natural first step.

Read again: I merely suggested my preferred approach to finding love (not just for gays!).

However, I have come to realize that you tend to bristle at any hint I may make that encourages friendships. I mention friendship not to totally exclude random hook-ups, but to suggest that they carry the potential of ultimately being more rewarding!

"…we're dealing with a fictional projection and not an actual situation."

Not sure how this observation is relevant. After all… aren't all future events fictional until reality takes over? Whatever… no one (other than you) mentioned fictional!

"…But, friends first is the best way to proceed? I just don't see how that can be known." (My comment: It can't, nor did I say so!)

Must I go back? You're the one who reads my comment as stating an objective reality: friendship is best. I was merely stating my own idiosyncratic (and potentially fallible) position.

Fact: I don't know if there is a "known" best path to follow for finding the love of one's life!

****

The remainder of your comment cites only anecdotal evidence in support of casual hook-ups. Anecdotes are interesting, but cannot constitute something that is readily reproducible... nor do they send the message that reproducibility is even likely!

Just as I am who I am… you are who you are! We merely follow differing paths to a meaningful life.

****

As for our differing expertise in pursuit of ambiguity… Ambiguity always invites the possibility of misunderstanding. Is one of us any less guilty than the other?

jeff's picture

When I re-read the above exchange...

I see two issues:

- You started all this when you first replied to my reply, and not to lonewolf's post, which in onlineland suggests that isn't a standalone thought, but that more information was necessary to what I originally said.

- Then, I *agree with you* (an interesting point, considering how you will later twist me being against friendship as important), but based on the situation suggest that there are many paths to the same goal. (It is worth noting that you seem to have no problem with dating as a precursor to friendship, another suggestion I made, but I guess rejected as not being my true agenda?)

So, when you question why a rebuttal was necessary, I think you presented your original reply as information needed in addition to what I said, rather than a separate thought.

At this point, though, you agree with me. Remember this part. I suggest something and you seemingly agree 100 percent.

But then you start projecting as to what *I* actually think whenever *you* post, which is just wild speculation. And then you start picking apart my supposed hidden agenda of vapid casual sex, when I never promoted one path over another, so again, offering proof that, although you agree there are more paths available, only one of these paths is legitimate if one wants to live a fulfilling life.

And then, after building up my missing thesis out of whole cloth, you then deduce that my real conclusion was that friendship is a waste of time? Adding that you couldn't disagree more vehemently to the text *you created* to represent my intended subtext (as there is nothing you can quote to disagree with), so what you object to is both introduced and rejected by you, although the text you introduced represents my philosophy?! I see no other way to interpret it.

Then, when I bristle about being misinterpreted, you just say you were merely stating your preferred approach to things, without acknowledging that your entire rebuttal was not to me, but to your speculation as to my broader yet not explicitly stated meaning. I'm fine with you picking apart something I actually write. But if you are going to write out what I believe for me, only so you have actual text to reject, that is where this all goes off the rails.

And then you wrap up by agreeing with my original reply that set you off that there is no path for this stuff. So, this whole thing was a trip where you agree with what I wrote originally, except for your interpretation of what I actually meant, only didn't actually say, which you then provide for me in absentia, only so you could decry its vapidity?!

Then, you conclude with "Just as I am who I am… you are who you are!" Which would be fine had I suggested a specific path based on my experience contrary to yours. But in the above, who *you* are is only different to who *you* state *I* am, as all of the most objectionable text (casual pick-ups work for many... especially for those whose measure of a meaningful gay relationship is reflected solely in the count of the number of non-self-induced orgasms exchanged in a specified period of time!) was both introduced as my real agenda by you to illustrate how much you disagree with me?!

I am perfectly content playing the role of me and my thoughts in a discussion. I don't need anyone's help.

---
"I am living this life as lovingly as I can be as flawed as I am." - Brandon Lacy Campos

lonewolf678's picture

:-\

Oh, must you two bicker and nit pick? I do hear both of your messages and I thank you for your input.

MacAvity's picture

Aw, man

I know what you mean about the empty bed. I have someone now, and it is the best feeling just being with her - and it hurts every night she's not with me, which is most of them.
I sincerely hope you find someone, my friend. Sorry I have absolutely no advice on how to do it...

lonewolf678's picture

It's ok,

it's just one of the things I'll figure out eventually. Sort of like the optical illusion in which one searches for the hidden picture.
:-)