I've been juggling a few things lately. Perhaps it's stress or maybe unresolved issues that I've been putting off their being dealt with. In fact it's the things around me that affect me the most when I observe the things that do go on in everyday life as it is around here for me and my family, or what's left of it.
My Mother, she does well for herself and this cannot be said for my sister. My sister... what can I say, or what am I allowed to say. Allah and all the Angels in Heaven forbid it that I say one negative thing. My Mother must be in denial. My Father, he's lucky. He's seperated from this crap and I wish I'd be seperated from it too.
I have nothing else on that matter. However I think I should revisit something I've not written about in quite sometime. I know my Mother and Father love me and are probably proud of me, although for the sake of my being humble I try to think that they are satisfied at least with me. But sometimes I wonder if I'm a good son.
I don't know what makes me think of this one thing. But sometimes when I make a mistake or say sorry too many times it tends to upset my mother. Then I feel worse and I feel like a bad son. Although things smooth out and return to my version of normality, I must admit that sometimes I wonder.
Especially recently I've felt disappointed in myself when I had to drop a class since the workload I had was growing exponentially. I felt like a failure, like a slacker, even though I tried so hard. But I had to cut my losses and move on. Still though I doubt my academic integrity and confidence. I felt almost depressed when I dropped it.
But still here I am alive so I praise Allah for that. Again sometime I do wonder. And then I wonder more on one topic than any most times. Sometimes when I lay in my bed at night, when I feel myself drifting off to sleep I cling to a pillow close. And I feel a bit lonely, it feels as if there is something I'm missing.
Something at this point in my life, sure there are plenty of people my age going out and forming relationships. And I wonder, sure I am in college and I can't really afford the cost and time I must invest into a relationship with a someone but.... but, I know that this is a time in my life when I should explore and test many things.
I find myself sometimes fantasizing of a relationship with someone. I know this not to be impossible, after all this is such a big world. But sometimes it seems like an impossible and daunting task to find a love. Trial, error, heartache, heartbreak, I honestly don't know how many times I'd need to go through that.
Indeed these are things one must go through but it often seems to be more trouble than it's worth. Perhaps it's better to be in my home concentrating on things, but this feeling just will not leave. It does not prevent my average everyday self but in the night I find myself coming back to the same empty bed.
Not a sexual thing, but the idea of physically being next to a significant other. One who'd be there from the moment I close my eyes to the moment when I awake to see him there. Maybe it's isolation causing me to feel the way I do, but even then this feeling will again arise. Perhaps I'm just complaining again.
I still love life, and living it. But sometimes I do want to share my life. Sometimes I need to share things. Sometimes I just don't know, things can get so lonely.