In which I babble inanely about interpersonal relationships

MacAvity's picture

Miki just told me that she and this guy have decided to be a couple. No surprise there. And I know it's fully within her rights to have a boyfriend - but that doesn't mean I'm happy about it.

Maybe it's 'cause I'm just afraid it will change things between her and me. She's been promising it won't, wouldn't, won't, but it will. Time, if nothing else. And I find it hard to believe that any boyfriend would really be okay with the way we are, or that we would keep acting that way with a boyfriend in the picture.

Maybe it's 'cause I haven't even met the guy yet. Maybe once I meet him we'll get along and it'll all be cool.

Or maybe once I meet him there'll be raging chest monsters of no you can't have my Miki. I hope not. But maybe it's 'cause at some level I still think it should be me.

I hope not.

'Cause the plan is just to go on living - guys come into her life, they let her down, I'm still there. And I never let her down because I'm never one of her boys.
Except there isn't a plan because there can't be a plan because there shouldn't be a plan. Plans is playing games, I'm done with games, games are so appealing but not right, not the way to do it. No games. No plans. Honesty.

I haven't told her yet about this girl Emily that I met. Not sure what's going on there. Emily and I met like a year ago, but last night she randomly found me on online dating (figured I'd try it, since my ability to get dates through normal real-life means is exactly zero) and I initially had no memory of her but we ended up having this long Skype chat and I don't know. She seems really cool. Maybe not attractive, but very likeable. And she's interested in me. So maybe something might happen. I don't know. But I kind of anticipate that doing anything with her would feel wrong 'cause of Miki.

And - this is terrible - sometimes I almost thought that Emily could be some sort of substitute or replacement or something for Miki - similar to her in whatever ways mattered. That sentence doesn't remotely capture the idea it was supposed to, but whatever the idea was it was horrible and it makes me want to have no contact with Emily at all. Because I owe Miki everything, and I love her. And even if someone else would cuddle and watch Horrible Histories with me - see, there's the thing. It would be wrong to cuddle and watch Horrible Histories with anyone else.

I will shut up now because this is getting to the point where not even Future Me wants to read it. Sorry, Future Me. I know how Past Me sucks, and I am really feeling like Past Me right now.

This is why I am a hermit.

Except I'm not a hermit.

I will shut up now.
Good night.

Comments

radiosilence95's picture

"Raging chest monsters of no

"Raging chest monsters of no you can't have my Miki."

Oh man. That was one of the best things I've read in my entire life.

Love, according to someone I look up to, is an ever-evolving thing. I'm not completely sure what that even means, but it sounds helpful.

I guess really right now everything's nothing but feeling vomit, all messy and unclear. But I think eventually you're gonna sort things out and things will make sense. It's a matter of patience really, and keeping an open mind to any possibilities.

jeff's picture

Umm...

It sounds like you need a replacement for Miki, if you're just FWB.

You can't just sit around hoping for the day she'll want you above everyone else...

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

elph's picture

It hurts... I know!

But this sounds very much like an oft-repeated episode from nearly everyone's life experiences.

It's not easy... but I'm confident you'll emerge wiser... and, eventually, happier!

MacAvity's picture

Just making one response comment

mostly for me really, 'cause I've thought of more things I wanted to say... actually this whole journal entry was for me, but thanks for reading and responding anyway.

In response to Radiosilence:
I think the "chest monster" thing came from Half-Blood Prince... somehow...
"Feeling vomit" - I like that. A lot. Is there such a thing as non-vomity feelings, though? In terms of messiness, I mean... Things never make sense.

Patience and open mind, though - those are things I have in overabundance. Could probably do with a little less of those. Patience so much I can wait forever, never get anything, never get anything done. Mind so open everything just flows through it, so few barriers, rarely an opinion of my own. Patience and open mind have proven themselves to get me nowhere - but they let me exist happily, so that's something.

In response to Jeff:
We're not "friends with benefits," that's the thing - kind of the opposite, really. Almost like a couple without the "benefits." Bromance, maybe, seems to be the most fitting word I can find. Love and cuddles, no snogging. But we're more important to each other than anyone we might date - that's explicitly established. As in, she told me that.

And I understand that she needs something - I don't know what - that a boyfriend can provide that I can't. I also believe that I have something - again, don't know what - that it would be extremely difficult, if not impossible, for her to find in a boyfriend. The way it is now - being bromantic best friends with me, dating more transient guys - is probably best. My concern really is for maintaining the bromance.

And if I were to end up doing anything with anyone else, that would need to not be a replacement. I would need to like someone in her (or, I suppose, his) own right, not because "Oh, Miki's off doing I-don't-want-to-think-about-what with Zack, I guess I can cuddle with you instead." No. That's not right.

...That sort of slipped away from being a response. Oh well. That's what I had to say, in any case. More of an addendum to the journal, maybe.