Miki just told me that she and this guy have decided to be a couple. No surprise there. And I know it's fully within her rights to have a boyfriend - but that doesn't mean I'm happy about it.
Maybe it's 'cause I'm just afraid it will change things between her and me. She's been promising it won't, wouldn't, won't, but it will. Time, if nothing else. And I find it hard to believe that any boyfriend would really be okay with the way we are, or that we would keep acting that way with a boyfriend in the picture.
Maybe it's 'cause I haven't even met the guy yet. Maybe once I meet him we'll get along and it'll all be cool.
Or maybe once I meet him there'll be raging chest monsters of no you can't have my Miki. I hope not. But maybe it's 'cause at some level I still think it should be me.
I hope not.
'Cause the plan is just to go on living - guys come into her life, they let her down, I'm still there. And I never let her down because I'm never one of her boys.
Except there isn't a plan because there can't be a plan because there shouldn't be a plan. Plans is playing games, I'm done with games, games are so appealing but not right, not the way to do it. No games. No plans. Honesty.
I haven't told her yet about this girl Emily that I met. Not sure what's going on there. Emily and I met like a year ago, but last night she randomly found me on online dating (figured I'd try it, since my ability to get dates through normal real-life means is exactly zero) and I initially had no memory of her but we ended up having this long Skype chat and I don't know. She seems really cool. Maybe not attractive, but very likeable. And she's interested in me. So maybe something might happen. I don't know. But I kind of anticipate that doing anything with her would feel wrong 'cause of Miki.
And - this is terrible - sometimes I almost thought that Emily could be some sort of substitute or replacement or something for Miki - similar to her in whatever ways mattered. That sentence doesn't remotely capture the idea it was supposed to, but whatever the idea was it was horrible and it makes me want to have no contact with Emily at all. Because I owe Miki everything, and I love her. And even if someone else would cuddle and watch Horrible Histories with me - see, there's the thing. It would be wrong to cuddle and watch Horrible Histories with anyone else.
I will shut up now because this is getting to the point where not even Future Me wants to read it. Sorry, Future Me. I know how Past Me sucks, and I am really feeling like Past Me right now.
This is why I am a hermit.
Except I'm not a hermit.
I will shut up now.