I used to live by the illusion that time itself wasn't real...it was just a number, a random thing that was given to put people into a box by society....now I feel trapped inside that box. How the hell did I get here? I mean, shit, I have been 24 for all of 52 minutes now, and I feel like an eternity has passed before my eyes.
an eternity, a lifetime, as if I have seen and witnessed the world from a previous life. I have always felt I was wise beyond my years, when it came to relationships, life, dealing with adult situations.
Idk, I grew up fast. Dealing with my dad's wars, his paranoia, his balc depressions, my parent's fighting, my own depression, my diabetes, my own alcoholism. All of the shit I have lived thru, all of the friends i have buried....how the hell did I come out alive from all this shit?
I honestly never, never thought I would live past 18. If I didn't die from a bullet from my dad or the multitude of enemies he made the world round his whole life, I was sure I would be dead by my own hand before I graduated high school.
I can honestly say that the only reason I did NOT give in and pull the trigger in those days was that I felt I had something going, some way to get out of this miserable life I had been leading. and, there was the fact that I had lost so many friends, so many acquaintances with whom I had shared a few good times, a few memories, to the blackness of suicide.
I lost 23 people in the past 9 years, 10 to suicide. my friends were dropping around me like flies. as many of you guys know, I began to deal with my lack of friends, and my grief by drinking. at the time, it felt euphoric, like I was untouchable, on top of the world. I made fast friends over a bottle of premium whiskey, people loved me, or at least a false perception of me.
I began to loathe my life, and my father. He had always told me growing up, he would rather have me dead, and put a bullet in my head than to have an openly gay son. I felt deep down I was letting him down somehow, failing as a man, as a son.
I began to delve deeper into my depressions. the drinking didn't help.; More destructive behaviors would follow. I began to do stupid things on skis, bicycles, harleys....anything that I could risk my life on and die doing something stupid, fast. I begain to look for ways to get hurt. idk, there was something in the risk facotr I guess, maybe the adrenaline.
I don't even know what I am trying to get at right now. I am a bit buzzed as I just took a few slugs of jameson irish whiskey from my flask.
I guess I am just in shock I am still alive, still here on the dawn of my 24th birthday, somehow I never thought I would live to see 18, let alone 21, let alone 24....my body is shot, destroyed by years of being an idiot, my teenage angst has never left me, never cewased to be, and I am still as homophobic and self hating as ever in that regard. I am too damn far gone to recover, too far gone to see the light.
the only thing I can even find comfort of solace in now is music. riding my bikes has become too physical. it pains me to think of things I could once do with ease that seem impossible now.
dem bones are rattled and old, the body is dying with age. all those years of not giving a fuck are finally catching up. taking their toll. the 16 years of neglecting care, destroying myself, and for what?
Layne stayley once sang a lyric, 'slow suicide's no way to go...' My brother in law questiuoned me on why I liked that song the other ngiht...I didn't know how to reply in a way he would understand. Unless you have lived it, slow suicide, you can't know it. I guess I need to just live by mile's and duff's examples from now on...today is a good day to die. hold nothing back, live with no regrets, and live each day like it's the last. I will get to meet duff again soon, and it will be awesome. I hope.
anyway, I am a bit drunk, and I will talk to y'all later. god damn getting old sucks. as my dad used to say, it's no fun...getting old. I think he meant to say a quote from the hobbit, his favorite book, but he couldn't remember the words. anyway, I am gona crash. night.