shit man...

hellonwheels's picture

I used to live by the illusion that time itself wasn't real...it was just a number, a random thing that was given to put people into a box by society....now I feel trapped inside that box. How the hell did I get here? I mean, shit, I have been 24 for all of 52 minutes now, and I feel like an eternity has passed before my eyes.

an eternity, a lifetime, as if I have seen and witnessed the world from a previous life. I have always felt I was wise beyond my years, when it came to relationships, life, dealing with adult situations.

Idk, I grew up fast. Dealing with my dad's wars, his paranoia, his balc depressions, my parent's fighting, my own depression, my diabetes, my own alcoholism. All of the shit I have lived thru, all of the friends i have buried....how the hell did I come out alive from all this shit?

I honestly never, never thought I would live past 18. If I didn't die from a bullet from my dad or the multitude of enemies he made the world round his whole life, I was sure I would be dead by my own hand before I graduated high school.

I can honestly say that the only reason I did NOT give in and pull the trigger in those days was that I felt I had something going, some way to get out of this miserable life I had been leading. and, there was the fact that I had lost so many friends, so many acquaintances with whom I had shared a few good times, a few memories, to the blackness of suicide.

I lost 23 people in the past 9 years, 10 to suicide. my friends were dropping around me like flies. as many of you guys know, I began to deal with my lack of friends, and my grief by drinking. at the time, it felt euphoric, like I was untouchable, on top of the world. I made fast friends over a bottle of premium whiskey, people loved me, or at least a false perception of me.

I began to loathe my life, and my father. He had always told me growing up, he would rather have me dead, and put a bullet in my head than to have an openly gay son. I felt deep down I was letting him down somehow, failing as a man, as a son.

I began to delve deeper into my depressions. the drinking didn't help.; More destructive behaviors would follow. I began to do stupid things on skis, bicycles, harleys....anything that I could risk my life on and die doing something stupid, fast. I begain to look for ways to get hurt. idk, there was something in the risk facotr I guess, maybe the adrenaline.

I don't even know what I am trying to get at right now. I am a bit buzzed as I just took a few slugs of jameson irish whiskey from my flask.

I guess I am just in shock I am still alive, still here on the dawn of my 24th birthday, somehow I never thought I would live to see 18, let alone 21, let alone 24....my body is shot, destroyed by years of being an idiot, my teenage angst has never left me, never cewased to be, and I am still as homophobic and self hating as ever in that regard. I am too damn far gone to recover, too far gone to see the light.

the only thing I can even find comfort of solace in now is music. riding my bikes has become too physical. it pains me to think of things I could once do with ease that seem impossible now.

dem bones are rattled and old, the body is dying with age. all those years of not giving a fuck are finally catching up. taking their toll. the 16 years of neglecting care, destroying myself, and for what?

Layne stayley once sang a lyric, 'slow suicide's no way to go...' My brother in law questiuoned me on why I liked that song the other ngiht...I didn't know how to reply in a way he would understand. Unless you have lived it, slow suicide, you can't know it. I guess I need to just live by mile's and duff's examples from now on...today is a good day to die. hold nothing back, live with no regrets, and live each day like it's the last. I will get to meet duff again soon, and it will be awesome. I hope.

anyway, I am a bit drunk, and I will talk to y'all later. god damn getting old sucks. as my dad used to say, it's no fun...getting old. I think he meant to say a quote from the hobbit, his favorite book, but he couldn't remember the words. anyway, I am gona crash. night.

Comments

hellonwheels's picture

oh yeah./.

part of whast i was going to rant about as well was that most of my frineds are graduated and done w; school, or at least damn close, and even kids who are several years younger than me are just finishing out school, whereas I totally have failed. I am about to dro out for the 3rd time. I have no direction in life. Idk anymore.

fuck.

angst. haha.

sorry, I am drunk.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

elph's picture

Make an unbreakable covenant with self...

Decide exactly what you need to do to reach the goals that you desire... goals that can elicit your self-respect as well as that of others!

Don't let anything or anyone deter you. It may be from minute to minute... but stick to the path. Doing this will likely involve a truly mature re-examination of the importance of education...

You can do it! We will stick with you!

You should now (or soon) have the resources to make this all doable!

Do it! Make that irrevocable commitment to self!

All you require is determination!

hellonwheels's picture

only problem, elph

is that i have NO idea what I want to do w/ my life, still...

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

elph's picture

Yeah... I understand this!

Two suggestions:

(1) Discuss these concerns with your school's career advisor!

(2) Complete your current university studies.... If nothing arises by then, go for another degree! Talk about careers and the aspirations of others when you meet your classmates in the snack lounge.

It's not uncommon that one just "discovers" a career... It may not be directly related to your degree program(s). But, believe me, all of that "education" will prove valuable, even if it may appear to be so only indirectly!

The key here is perseverance. And when you need help... ask for it!

hellonwheels's picture

problem with that is I am again...

flunking out of school. I know I am intelligent, but honestly since my last TBI from the bike crash, I am noticing things that made sense to me @ one point no longer do, also, I am basically beyond being able to recover my GPA at this point. no matter what my advisor tells me. it's kind of a matter of stubborness and pride too, idk.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

elph's picture

At this point... pride be damned!

Once your mind has cleared, go and speak with your previous school's advisors!

With honesty and forthrightness, work out a plan that will permit you to resume a serious academic program... one that you can respect! If necessary... consider appealing to other colleges! If the personnel recognize that you are now "serious," openings will be found!

I have no idea how large your inheritance may prove to be... but please, invest it wisely! And... seek the advice of experts!

You seem "determined" to see all doors closed! They are closed only if you're unwilling to lean on them...

gayteen1995's picture

i can totally relate to

i can totally relate to slowly losing yourself

jeff's picture

So...

You basically need to sober up, take care of your body, graduate high school, and accept that you love dick? Not insurmountable things.

If your GPA sucks, just go get a GED, and look into community colleges for something that interests you. Good GPA there will give you a chance to prove you've turned things around.

---
"I am living this life as lovingly as I can be as flawed as I am." - Brandon Lacy Campos

Bosemaster42's picture

Yeah dude,

You're still allowing your father's negative opinions to influence you.
Frankly, with everything that has occurred in your life recently, I can understand not being able to concentrate fully. However, and please don't take this the wrong way, alcohol isn't the answer. It's more apt to destroy your body, mind, and soul. Please don't allow it. Seek help if necessary.
Come to terms with being gay, I know it's not what you wanted, but you got to play the hand your dealt.

hellonwheels's picture

yeah, you are totally right man.

much easier said than done, though. for sure. Macklemore just posted a song I hadn't heard on his live show todya, and it was amazing. just what I needed to hear. same love, amazing coming outta hip hop.

alcohol isn't the answer, and I know that. unfortunately, more often than not, I tiuned to the bottle when I have been down. it's a bad habit.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman