tired and just humiliated

poetic_star's picture

When I was a kid, I used to get a lot of flack from adults at school and at home because I'm shy and they would say I was anti-social and criticize me, saying I had to make friends because it wasn't normal. So I'd step out of my comfort zone and try to approach people, which would only result in me getting bullied. I seriously only had one real friend who I met when I was 9 but we lost contact when I was 11. There is this one person who has become my best friend but they live overseas and in my town I have no one except my dad and my therapist, and my dad works in Nigeria so we don't see each other much, anyway. It just seems like I'm always making an effort to meet someone and it turns out they could'n't give a crap about me. Like I'm always asking them how they're doing and if they're having problems, I give advice, and they don't bother returning the favor, not even to say "how are you?". So yeah, I get frustrated and embarrassed so I go back in my shell because this happens every time. I'm never good enough. And I've been alone for so long that most of the time, I don't care. But then there's this other part that's terrified that I'll always be this way, that there's no hope for me ever finding someone honest and genuinely kind. Sometimes this type of loneliness can't be filled by a person online, especially when I have nightmares and I need someone right here in the moment or when I have to keep the things I'm feeling locked up inside because I have no one to talk to at the end of the day. I don't know what I have to do to be good enough anymore.

Comments

MaddieJoy's picture

I feel the exact same way

it'ss kind of lame, but have you considered writing stories full of people who can be your friends? I do it sometimes & it kind of helps. Plus, letting people read stuff you've written can make them see how interesting & worthwhile you are.

The ducks will get you!

poetic_star's picture

yeah I've tried that my

yeah I've tried that my whole life but sometimes, in the moments that really matter, imaginary people can't fill the emptiness.

Bosemaster42's picture

Nor do straight friends.

Although, it's always nice to have friends regardless of who they are, I have always had an abundance of straight friends. They don't quite fill the void, especially when you just need someone to tell you everything will be alright or if you need comforting. That kind of closeness has always been elusive, for me at least. Try not to let your shyness inhibit you from making friends. Little by little, person by person, perhaps you'll stumble onto someone who fits into your life and simply accepts you for who you are.
Never stop trying, babe.

poetic_star's picture

I don't know

I don't think my shyness is the problem if I've been working hard to impress people and in the end they're still not interested. Nothing is ever good enough and I don't know if I want to keep torturing myself like this anymore.

Bosemaster42's picture

I wish.....

I could prove you wrong my friend, but we are not close enough, logistically speaking. I certainly wouldn't put requirements on you like that.
Your writing would impress me enough to want to know you better.

poetic_star's picture

yeah, unfortunately you're

yeah, unfortunately you're not here and people don't stick around long enough to like me for my writing.

javier's picture

...

Exactly how I feel although I hate a lot of people so lonliness doesnt bother me

poetic_star's picture

LOL there are days when I

LOL there are days when I hate a lot of people too.. maybe I'm being dumb, hoping for something better. Maybe I should be more like you :)