My Christmas was dull. I spent half of it at my dad's, where I mostly listened to my dad's girlfriend's dad tell stories to my grandma about how everyone in his family beat the shit out of him when he was growing up. Then I went to my aunt's (mom's side of the family now) which was a bore. It wasn't bad, until my cousin mentioned that somehow a borrowed video game had gotten stuck in his busted-up Wii, and my other cousin added, "Didn't that game belong to Justin? That gay guy?" To which my grandma replied, "Ew get that game outta there!"
What the fucking fuck Grandma. What, you think his fucking video game has gay germs on it? My family is so stupid. It's funny how one little remark like that can put you in a sour mood for the rest of the day. I mean, before she said that I was succeeding at disregarding all the things about my family that piss me off and just being content in their company. But it couldn't last, of course. My grandma had to say something and suddenly all that resentment came flooding back and I just wanted to go home and shut myself in my room and read, which is what I've been doing since the beginning of Christmas break.
All I got for Christmas was books, which is fine with me. I finally found a modern book that I enjoy, Tell the Wolves I'm Home which is set during the AIDS epidemic in the 80's. This girl's gay uncle dies of AIDS and she's a lot like me in that she doesn't have many friends and lives in her own mind, so he was really the only friend she had. It's really good.
My heterophobia is deepening, I think. I use that nonexistent word lightheartedly, of course. But whenever I watch TV or movies (which has become increasingly rare) I feel like I don't enjoy the same shows as much because it's all so hetero-normative. All these shows that portray strictly normal, stereotypical gender roles in relationships. The raunchiness, y'know, the sexual jokes made by both men and women about the opposite sex. Other things along those lines. I dunno. Something about the rampant, overpowering, gender-definitive heterosexuality of media really repels me.
I'm really convinced that I just don't see things the way straight people do. Not in the obvious way. I don't even know what I'm saying. I just have a different perspective, I guess.
Damn, being best friends with the person you love is so emotionally exhausting. I feel like I'm in a subtle tug-of-war with her boyfriend whenever I try to make plans with or talk to her or hold her attention or anything. Fucking annoying. Like, I tried to invite her over tomorrow night so I can FINALLY give her my gift, but no, plans with her boyfriend. And I was having a nice conversation with her tonight, but boyfriend says put the phone away, so that's that, conversation abruptly over. Gotta do whatever he tells you.
I am really done with people. Or I wish I could be done with people. I really do. I don't feel like anybody's worth my time. I wanna shut everyone out, the whole world. The closest I get to that is getting lost in a good book. I just really feel so much...dislike towards people. Disgust.
It's weird, man.