So here I am. My eyes are blotched a raw pink and my head is pounding, as it tends to do after a good, long, self-pitying sob session.
This is so fucking stupid. The specific reason I've been bawling for the past twenty minutes is so fucking stupid, but its underlying cause runs a lot deeper. This moment of pathetic, woe-is-me whining has also been a moment of sheer epiphany.
My epiphany is this:
At some point in your life, most likely during the aches and angst of adolescence, you spend a lot of your precious time building someone you love up and up, making them damn near perfect in your mind. You do this until you've subconsciously split that person into two separate people. The first is the person you fawn over in your thoughts, the person who is painted in the shade of imperfect perfection by the inescapable romanticism of your mind. The second is the real person, the inspiration for your head's own delusional clone.
I thought I was above that. I'm not. This is something that everybody falls into, regardless of maturity or intelligence. It's an inevitability, and a necessary one in the process of understanding human relationships.
I don't want to cry over her anymore. I don't want to wait for her to bring me happiness. Because in doing these things, I've become even lonelier than I would have been without her entirely.
I don't know what that even means, really. Where do I go after this evening of brutal, painful insight? No matter what, I don't feel like I could just stop talking to her altogether. There must be a way to find a comfortable middle ground. It can't just be a choice between two extremes, between either self-destructively clinging to her or abandoning her totally.
I need to find a way to distance myself without completely cutting myself off. I'm proposing to myself this: no more communication with her unless she initiates. I always initiate. It's time to give her a chance to do the same. But do I have the willpower to do that? I'll have to try, at least.
Look at me. I've always been so smug about relationships and love and shit, thinking I was above the melodrama, and now I've fallen headfirst into it.
I really freaked out tonight. And now I'm wondering frantically if every single friendship I've ever had has been almost entirely one-sided. It seems that I'm doomed to always invest more in a friendship than the other person is willing to. Not just with her, but with everybody, even those who are not the object of my attraction.
I'll probably wake up tomorrow and groan, realizing how stupidly I reacted tonight. This night might not even mean anything down the road. I'll just keep that idolized version of her tucked neatly in my head, rationalizing every flaw I see in her, everything she says or does that pisses me off, until she matches what's stored in there.
I've been totally alone all throughout winter break. Nobody's begged me to hang out with them. I still can't tell how much of my loneliness is my own fault and how much of it is theirs. I'm willing to take some blame, of course. But not all of it.
I am nobody's first priority.
I am nobody's best friend.
I am nobody's enemy.
Some people are just meant to be more alone than others, I suppose.
Thank you for enduring my melodramatic, over-analyzing journal tonight. I hope everyone is having a far better winter break than I am.
My, what a shitty way to start a new year, huh?