A Very Dramatic Journal

radiosilence95's picture

So here I am. My eyes are blotched a raw pink and my head is pounding, as it tends to do after a good, long, self-pitying sob session.

This is so fucking stupid. The specific reason I've been bawling for the past twenty minutes is so fucking stupid, but its underlying cause runs a lot deeper. This moment of pathetic, woe-is-me whining has also been a moment of sheer epiphany.

My epiphany is this:

At some point in your life, most likely during the aches and angst of adolescence, you spend a lot of your precious time building someone you love up and up, making them damn near perfect in your mind. You do this until you've subconsciously split that person into two separate people. The first is the person you fawn over in your thoughts, the person who is painted in the shade of imperfect perfection by the inescapable romanticism of your mind. The second is the real person, the inspiration for your head's own delusional clone.

I thought I was above that. I'm not. This is something that everybody falls into, regardless of maturity or intelligence. It's an inevitability, and a necessary one in the process of understanding human relationships.

I don't want to cry over her anymore. I don't want to wait for her to bring me happiness. Because in doing these things, I've become even lonelier than I would have been without her entirely.

I don't know what that even means, really. Where do I go after this evening of brutal, painful insight? No matter what, I don't feel like I could just stop talking to her altogether. There must be a way to find a comfortable middle ground. It can't just be a choice between two extremes, between either self-destructively clinging to her or abandoning her totally.

I need to find a way to distance myself without completely cutting myself off. I'm proposing to myself this: no more communication with her unless she initiates. I always initiate. It's time to give her a chance to do the same. But do I have the willpower to do that? I'll have to try, at least.

Look at me. I've always been so smug about relationships and love and shit, thinking I was above the melodrama, and now I've fallen headfirst into it.

I really freaked out tonight. And now I'm wondering frantically if every single friendship I've ever had has been almost entirely one-sided. It seems that I'm doomed to always invest more in a friendship than the other person is willing to. Not just with her, but with everybody, even those who are not the object of my attraction.

I'll probably wake up tomorrow and groan, realizing how stupidly I reacted tonight. This night might not even mean anything down the road. I'll just keep that idolized version of her tucked neatly in my head, rationalizing every flaw I see in her, everything she says or does that pisses me off, until she matches what's stored in there.

I've been totally alone all throughout winter break. Nobody's begged me to hang out with them. I still can't tell how much of my loneliness is my own fault and how much of it is theirs. I'm willing to take some blame, of course. But not all of it.

I am nobody's first priority.

I am nobody's best friend.

I am nobody's enemy.

Some people are just meant to be more alone than others, I suppose.

Thank you for enduring my melodramatic, over-analyzing journal tonight. I hope everyone is having a far better winter break than I am.

My, what a shitty way to start a new year, huh?

Comments

MaddieJoy's picture

that's okay

your melodramatic, over-analyzing journal is pretty much what I hear in my head every day.
PM me if you need to talk. :)

The ducks will get you!

radiosilence95's picture

Thanks. I may take you up on

Thanks. I may take you up on that offer some time :)

hellonwheels's picture

I feel ya on that one for sure.

we all build up our ideal selves, then break them down over time. I know for myself, the image I have of who I am in my head, and the image of who I actually am don't match up anymore at all.

if ya ever need to chat, same offer. hell.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

radiosilence95's picture

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Thanks for the offer. Much appreciated :)

elph's picture

I'm fully aware that this provides little consolation...

...but your experience is far from being atypical... and not just for gays!

The best explanation is that for many, empathy matures very unevenly... often not until well beyond adolescence! :(

Just be as good a friend as you can... it's a valuable skill to develop, even when you feel it is not fully reciprocated.

And... look forward to a totally new start that will be opened up to you once college studies commence next fall!

Persevere... and anticipate! :)

radiosilence95's picture

Yeah, college is really the

Yeah, college is really the best thing for me I think. I just have to wait it all out, I suppose.

Dracofangxxx's picture

We've already talked about this, so have a quote.

“What a treacherous thing to believe that a person is more than a person.”
― John Green, Paper Towns
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That's redick!

radiosilence95's picture

Ah, I've been wanting to

Ah, I've been wanting to read that book. Although John Green isn't too impressive to me. I like that quote though. I love intelligent quotes like that. Thanks friend.

anarchist's picture

It seems like most people are just like this, but opposite.

The majority of humans just love to judge people by the most insignificant things they do. They just want a chance to hate something new. I fucking hate it.

radiosilence95's picture

Oh I hear you. People love

Oh I hear you. People love to hate. I guess it makes them feel powerful. There's a girl in my World Lit class who swears she hates all fat people. She's more disgusting to me than any fat person. I try really hard to stay hate-free.

Bosemaster42's picture

I agree,

However, sometimes the word 'hate' is used out of context as well. I couldn't tell you how many times I've listened to people say "I hate this" or "I hate him or her'. People will say this quickly, without any real thought about what they are saying. Reactionary for sure, but part of the human condition. I've been guilty of it too, I'm afraid. I believe, the explanation of why this occurs is the duality of human nature. There's always internal conflict within our minds, and some have a more difficult time with allowing thought to take precedence over speech. I could be wrong, of course, but that's what I think.

radiosilence95's picture

This is also true. I'd say

This is also true. I'd say hate and love are the two most misused emotions we use to express our thoughts and feelings.

anarchist's picture

That's just common linguistic evolution.

Like the word "horrible" was an extremely strong word used to describe something truly very horrifying. But strong words weaken and weak words strengthen. That's part of how languages change into new ones.

jacjessen90's picture

that explains...

why "high" and "deep" are the same word in latin, right...?
~"i'm a real Witch, Before, During AND After my coffee!"

MacAvity's picture

Hey

It gets better. Eventually. I know, I've been exactly where you are now (I think), and it's absolutely miserable for a while, and then... it gets better. Just hang in there and cry all you need.

radiosilence95's picture

Thank you.

One of the most important realizations I've had is that nothing in life is eternal, especially emotional states of being. Misery passes, happiness passes, sadness passes...it's all just a prolonged cycle. I know without a shadow of a doubt that, as the cliche goes, this too shall pass, it's just a matter of how long I'm going to have to suffer through everything.