I have been on a BLS

hellonwheels's picture

Kick all freeaking day. And by that, I mean since noon. The last few days I have been totally off. I dunno what is causing it. I tried melatonin to help me sleep, so that could be a part of it, but idk.

Kinda fallen into anotehr lazy/do nothing/depressed state as of late, not sure why.

I have been going to the gym, trying my best to get back to a healthy weight and get in shape again, so I can ride to teh level that I am used to.

It will be a long, long road back to health, especially battling the blood pressure, depression, and injuries...but I am back to being able to run a consistent 5k, or about 3-4miles, and although my mile time blows, it is still the fact that I am jogging again and doing it that have been keeping me going.

I do need to lose about 25 lbs and start eating healthier and taking care of my diabetes though. One good thing this fall is I have cut back a TON on my drinking...but right now I am craving a beer, and Idk why.

Writing this as this song plays in the background on random youtube, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGljw9SyWgM&list=AL94UKMTqg-9AZ68MSCTv4TC...

but yeah, depression can be a bitch. I don't think I will ever outrun self pity and self hatred, but who knows...feelings like this come and go, and that's teh way it always has been.

at least for me. I need to focus on getting school done in the next few weeks, as the quarter started again and I haven't done a fucking thing.

I have yet to find what I want to do with my life, what gives my life meaning. I would love to be one of the guys in charge of forestry and the local trails, as I have been on the local trails board for the past few meetings of the new group, but it is a volunteer based group, and we are working on gaining non-profit status.

If we do, I could be a paid volunteer, but I don't think that my passion for building trails will be a career option in the long run. I simply don't have the perseverance to see it, or anything else for that matter, through to the end.

I may be applying for a job at the new REI store here soon-at least they pay benefits, which I will sorely need here in the near future.

I dunno. I hate being at that crossroads in life, feeling like I am stuck. I have had one boyfriend, who turned out to be a total junkie, in my life...one meaningful relationship....that lasted all of a few months. the rest have all been lies, shams, covers to my other identity, convincing everyone else that I am not a fag.

Hell, I know one day I will have to just come out and admit it, but where I live, that is incredibly hard to do and hold your head up high. So many people whose opinions I respect and yet, if I were to come out, that would change entirely. Idk.

anyway, at this point, I am just ranting. Tonight, if I get things done in time, I will be heading to a friend's new band's CD release show in Seattle. It should be a good night.

I got back on the mtn bike for the first time last night and rode a few miles in snow and ice. It was a little bit sketchy, first night ride of the year, on my own, through ice and snow,....but it was alright. at the end of it, I caught up to the group in teh parking lot, and they were as surprised to see me out there as I was to be out there.

There will also be a lot of good music shows coming up in seattle in teh next few months, which I am pretty stoked on. Hope I will be able to make a few of them.

Also, it will be interesting to see what happens w/ Lance and Oprah tonight. I mean, I never liked him as a person anyway, but Not for one second did I ever doubt he was using. No one, No one can beat up their body like that, thousands of kilometers at a time, for that many weeks, then get up and do it all over again, and the UCI, being the bastards that they are-any bike racer will tell you this-they were in on it the whole time, and the USADA are the ones out to crucify him anyway.

I need to dig up my black livewrong bracelet I had back in 5/6th grade when he and livestrong were at the height of their popularity. lol.

Comments

jeff's picture

Err...

Butt Licking Soiree?
Ball Lapping Saga?
Boy Loving Site (legal age, one would hope)?
Bukkakke-Like Shindig?
Bruise-Leaving Spanking?
Bondage and Light Sex?
Boinking Lethargic Straights?
Briskly-Lubed Scrotum?

?

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

anarchist's picture

I assumed he meant basic life support.

I thought he had some injury that I missed in the journals.

hellonwheels's picture

black label society

check the link, jeff.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

jeff's picture

Err...

You really think anyone will connect that the title of the journal related to the YouTube clip 5 paragraphs later?! A bit of a stretch, especially for people like me who watch The Daily Show and such whilest checking things out online, and don't intend to listen to random songs, heh.

Beyond that, stop putting the blame on you not coming out to where you live and the people around you. It's all on you now. Half the people you worried about telling are dead, but you don't seem 50 percent closer to coming out as a result. So... that sounds like we can remove them from the equation. And, in some ways, that makes it both easier and harder, knowing there is only one person preventing this from happening...

And if you had some desire to be out, happy, and complete, you're old enough to leave that environment and have a life in Seattle or somesuch. Get an apartment on Capitol Hill, and get on with things.

There's really nothing preventing you from being out except you. Accepting that might even be progress...

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

anarchist's picture

The ironic part is

when he does choose to come out, everyone will probably be like "So what? That isn't a big deal."

jeff's picture

Yeah...

How little people sometimes care will be rather devastating if you build it up this much...

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles