Kick all freeaking day. And by that, I mean since noon. The last few days I have been totally off. I dunno what is causing it. I tried melatonin to help me sleep, so that could be a part of it, but idk.
Kinda fallen into anotehr lazy/do nothing/depressed state as of late, not sure why.
I have been going to the gym, trying my best to get back to a healthy weight and get in shape again, so I can ride to teh level that I am used to.
It will be a long, long road back to health, especially battling the blood pressure, depression, and injuries...but I am back to being able to run a consistent 5k, or about 3-4miles, and although my mile time blows, it is still the fact that I am jogging again and doing it that have been keeping me going.
I do need to lose about 25 lbs and start eating healthier and taking care of my diabetes though. One good thing this fall is I have cut back a TON on my drinking...but right now I am craving a beer, and Idk why.
Writing this as this song plays in the background on random youtube, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGljw9SyWgM&list=AL94UKMTqg-9AZ68MSCTv4TC...
but yeah, depression can be a bitch. I don't think I will ever outrun self pity and self hatred, but who knows...feelings like this come and go, and that's teh way it always has been.
at least for me. I need to focus on getting school done in the next few weeks, as the quarter started again and I haven't done a fucking thing.
I have yet to find what I want to do with my life, what gives my life meaning. I would love to be one of the guys in charge of forestry and the local trails, as I have been on the local trails board for the past few meetings of the new group, but it is a volunteer based group, and we are working on gaining non-profit status.
If we do, I could be a paid volunteer, but I don't think that my passion for building trails will be a career option in the long run. I simply don't have the perseverance to see it, or anything else for that matter, through to the end.
I may be applying for a job at the new REI store here soon-at least they pay benefits, which I will sorely need here in the near future.
I dunno. I hate being at that crossroads in life, feeling like I am stuck. I have had one boyfriend, who turned out to be a total junkie, in my life...one meaningful relationship....that lasted all of a few months. the rest have all been lies, shams, covers to my other identity, convincing everyone else that I am not a fag.
Hell, I know one day I will have to just come out and admit it, but where I live, that is incredibly hard to do and hold your head up high. So many people whose opinions I respect and yet, if I were to come out, that would change entirely. Idk.
anyway, at this point, I am just ranting. Tonight, if I get things done in time, I will be heading to a friend's new band's CD release show in Seattle. It should be a good night.
I got back on the mtn bike for the first time last night and rode a few miles in snow and ice. It was a little bit sketchy, first night ride of the year, on my own, through ice and snow,....but it was alright. at the end of it, I caught up to the group in teh parking lot, and they were as surprised to see me out there as I was to be out there.
There will also be a lot of good music shows coming up in seattle in teh next few months, which I am pretty stoked on. Hope I will be able to make a few of them.
Also, it will be interesting to see what happens w/ Lance and Oprah tonight. I mean, I never liked him as a person anyway, but Not for one second did I ever doubt he was using. No one, No one can beat up their body like that, thousands of kilometers at a time, for that many weeks, then get up and do it all over again, and the UCI, being the bastards that they are-any bike racer will tell you this-they were in on it the whole time, and the USADA are the ones out to crucify him anyway.
I need to dig up my black livewrong bracelet I had back in 5/6th grade when he and livestrong were at the height of their popularity. lol.