That Jennifer Lopez song "Jenny From the Block" has been stuck in my head for three days now. I'm scared.
I just had a really weird thought. Y'know how it's a commonly held belief that in a relationship, the woman is always right? Well, if two girls are dating and they get into an argument, and if they're both women, who's right?! I just blew my own mind.
Everything is all kinds of confusing right now. I texted Brittany Monday to remind her to sign up for our trip to my college on the 21st. She said she had free time so she would go on the website and register. I told her to let me know what the plan was. Then I don't hear anything from her for four days. I get more and more pissed off with each passing day, believing that this is her evasive way of telling me to fuck off.
I stressed about it for four days until I couldn't take it anymore. Once again I broke my oath to myself that I would only contact her if she initiated it. So I texted her and told her I kinda needed a yes or no answer about this trip. THEN she texts me back saying her mom called the night she was going to register and informed her that her aunt had passed away. So it turns out for the past four days she's been grieving over the loss of a dear relative.
Which made me feel like an asshole.
She never got around to registering. I told her she could probably sign up at the last minute, but she never acknowledged my saying that. We talked about her aunt, I did my very best to console her, and she was appreciative. I asked if, during this four-day weekend I have, we could finally get together and exchange gifts from Christmas--which was almost a fucking month ago--but nope, too busy.
Okay. Here's the thing.
I know I should feel all sympathetic and bad about her aunt, but I'm more pissed off about this college trip and just the fact that she's always busy. I told her about the open house at my college at the end of November. The end of November. She seemed super interested in going. For a span of almost two months, I reminded her sporadically to sign up online for the open house. I kept telling her over and over again that it would only take two minutes of her time, which it really would.
I don't get it. If she never wanted to go, just fucking tell me. I've been looking forward to this trip for almost two months, because I was under the assumption that she would eventually sign up. BUT NOPE. Once again, if she would have told me from the get-go that she couldn't make it, I would've been much better off than waiting in anticipation for a super long time. I'm sensing a pattern here. This same kind of thing happened over Christmas break, which was what led me to cry a lot and post my previous journal. Is this some kind of really annoying habit of hers or what?
So now my Monday will be uneventful. And we can't even hang out this weekend because of things. Stupid things. I know there's college and work. I get it. And I'm sorry about the loss of her aunt. But this is really pissing me off. And in a way, I'm almost glad I'm kinda irked with her right now, because it makes it so much easier to achieve my goal of distancing myself a bit.
I mean, my family is taking the train up to Chicago for a few days in June, and when my mom told me I could bring a friend, I knew the only person I would want to join me is Brittany. But now I'm almost scared of making plans with her anymore. I'm scared that she'll be all, "Yeah! I'd love to!" all enthusiastic like she always is and then we'll get to a few days before we leave and SOMETHING will stop it from happening and my whole trip to Chicago will be ruined.
We also made plans, abstract and difficult plans mind you, to go camping this summer. Not sure my mom will let me fend for myself in the wilderness. I've just always wanted a nature retreat. No electronics or anything. The problem is that I don't want to camp at those campgrounds with a bunch of people everywhere. I want to really, really be out in the real wilderness, but that's hard when every forest is owned by the state or is private property. Everybody has to own everything. Including nature. Stupid human beings.
I don't know. Whatever, I guess. I don't know what to make of anything anymore. So I guess I just won't. Gotta stop thinking so much.
So as a side note, I'm in the final stage of wearing braces. In a month these hunks of metal will be out of my mouth. The problem is that the final stage includes wearing really long bands that zigzag across your whole mouth, which is supposed to give your teeth a final umph to put them in the proper place. It's really super painful. I can barely open my mouth. I can't eat anything but milkshakes. That seems like heaven, but I really really want real food. And it takes me twenty minutes to put the bands in my mouth since it's so hard to get 'em to hook on the bracket when your drool is all over the place.