I...don't even know. So, Brittany and I didn't take the trip to my college. First, we were definitely going. Then in the past couple weeks it seemed like we wouldn't make it. Then she tells me she signed up and we're definitely going again. Then this morning, as I'm sitting by my door, all dressed up and eagerly waiting for her to pull into my driveway, she texts me saying that she woke up puking and is too sick to go.
I have no words.
I know getting sick is beyond her control, but come on. It's always something. Always. There's always something that prevents us from ever doing anything together. It just figures that she gets sick on the one day that we made plans. I'm sure fate is having a good chuckle at my expense.
So I hid in my room and cried bitter, hot tears of disappointment and...well, anger. Seriously, when am I gonna stop crying whenever plans with her don't work out? I should expect it by now. I shouldn't even be surprised anymore. Even so, it hurts just the same.
I decided to let it all out. To tell her exactly what I was feeling. Because whenever we fail at hanging out, I always (well, almost always, save a few times) keep my mouth shut. So I sent this to her:
"I understand that this is beyond your control, and I hope you get better soon, but this is just...ridiculous. First we are going, then this couple weeks you made it seem like we weren't, then we were, and now it doesn't seem like we are. It's always something. You have to work, or you're with Jake, or too much homework, or some other thing. And now that today isn't gonna happen, even though I've been looking forward to it for two months, I'm probably gonna have to wait yet another month to even attempt to make plans with you, and even those might fall through. I don't have anybody. Do you realize that? Do you know what it feels like to not be able to text someone randomly and be all, 'Hey, wanna hang out?' and actually have them show the slightest interest in doing so? I am alone. Completely, utterly alone. I don't go anywhere. I don't do things with people. And the one person who does seem to actually give the slightest fuck about being anything like a friend to me is never available. I realize it's not entirely your fault. I get that. But this is a trend. I attempt to make plans with you. Plans fall through. I get pissed off, like I am right now, and take it out on you. Which I really don't wanna do. I don't like being mad at you. I guess I just really shouldn't get my hopes up too high anymore. It's just that whenever this happens my gut reaction is to feel like you don't value me nearly as much as I value you. It just really sucks never being able to get together. And you're probably puking your guts out right now. I'm sorry. I just needed to get that out of my system. Hopefully we can get together once you feel better. Hopefully, though I'll try not to get my hopes up."
As you can see, I had a lot to say on the subject.
Was it a bit harsh? Perhaps. But I could've been much, much harsher. She hasn't responded, probably because she's preoccupied with barfing. But I can't wait to see what she has to say. I'm not afraid of speaking up for myself anymore. I need to be honest with her, and if she doesn't like it, then...maybe she really isn't who I thought she was.
Getting close to people has never worked out for me. All of the close friendships I've ever had have crumbled until these people feel like strangers to me. My friends from middle school, my first super close friends, Victoria and Caitlin. We never talk, and when we do, we have nothing to say to each other, really. Amber's gone. She graduated last semester and I have no clue where she is, nor do I really care. Judd's gone. He's still in school, but he's still gone.
Is there something about me that pushes people away, that repels them? Is it my cynicism? Do I not try hard enough? Do I not make enough effort? Am I just born a loner? Is my opinion of people clouded by my cynicism?
I'm hoping that this cycle of getting close to someone only to watch them slip away from me ends with Brittany. I'm not giving up on our friendship. I can't bring myself to, even though lately it's brought me more disappointment than joy. I guess her reaction to my super long text will determine where we go from here.
But for now, I say fuck people. Who needs a sidekick, a partner-in-crime, a buddy, a pal, when I have books to read?