King of Okay

MacAvity's picture

Another journal entry for me... Actually I'm surprised I haven't done one recently, so much Oasis-worthy has been going on. Probably just 'cause I had the brilliant idea to write journalsy things mirrorwise in my paper book, makes it difficult for anyone to read. But I haven't even done a paper journal in a few days...

Where to start, what to tell...

Eh. Start Saturday, why not. Been insisting I was okay all day, honesty comes out at night - I finally answered the question "Are you okay" with "Not really," and explained why. To Miki. Or explained what I thought was why, or that I didn't really know why, or something. That it hurt to see her and her new boyfriend together and hurt to hear them say "love" so soon and hurt that he gets to do things I never got to, like sleep over on week nights. "It's a fine line between best friend and boyfriend," she said. "I never wanted to cross that line with you. But there's room for both of you in my heart." "It's just not looking so fine right now, I guess," I said. It wasn't. I explained that I just couldn't see where I fit into her life anymore - how I do this thing all the time where I look at the world without myself in it, and how without me in it her life looked good to me - her and him, he's so good for her, really he is. Better than me, for her. She insisted that she did need me still - but I couldn't see it. What looked like it made the most sense would be to leave and figure out something else to do and someone else to be and let the two of them be. But I knew better than to do that, at least.

Then for reasons unknown, in the middle of the night I had some sort of realization - I don't know. Doesn't seem like much of an epiphany but after that everything sort of made sense and I felt better about everything. I realized that I'd thought what we had was all there was - that we were pretty much a couple without the snogging, et cetera. Because what I'd had and what I'd done with her was the most I'd ever had or done, I'd thought that was it, that was all there was, pretty much. And in the middle of the night I guess I recognized what "just friends" meant and what "in love with your best friend" meant and I gave up on categorizing it as "bromance - because 'just friends' makes it sound like less than more datesy relationships, which it isn't." Because, apparently, it is.

And it's oddly liberating to admit it. That it's just me being in love with my best friend and her seeing me as just a really good friend. It's a surprisingly easy thing to deal with. Easier than whatever I thought it was before.

And I'd been reluctant to use the phrase "in love" - but why? I've stated before that I believe in falling in love and I believe it doesn't have to be forever to be real. I've claimed to believe in falling in love with a stranger on a bus for just a few minutes. It means something and it's real even if it's only temporary, so don't be afraid of the word. I was in love with Grey, and I'm not anymore. (I ran into her last week and we even talked a little. I tried to apologize for what I did. She told me she and Solace got engaged. It seems like she hasn't changed at all.) I was even a little bit in love with Chris, my best friend in high school. And not anymore. And now I'm in love with Miki and I don't know how long it's going to last and I know she isn't and doesn't and won't and that's okay.

And I won't do anything stupid and romantic like holding on or insisting there's no one else for me or challenging Zack to a duel or even trying to woo from the friend zone. I'll just learn what "just friends" is and I'll be that, because that's what she needs me to be, and I'll learn to be that emotionally as well as behaviorally. And I'll get to know the boyfriend, and be his friend too, and we'll be the three cavaliers and wear silly hats and I'll be the sane one 'cause they're both nuts. And I'll get involved with other people too - progress on that front already, actually. And next year Miki and I will get a house and a chicken and a dog and I'll be the best roommate she could have, because that's what she needs me to be.

And I'm okay! I'm the king of okay! Always okay!

And life's going well and today I was walking around with a grin on half the day it seems like. Really - okay.

Been rushing a fraternity, just for the hell of it. Not going to join, but rushing has been fun.

Been saying yes to opportunities, like "Someone in your class needs a Note-Taker, all you have to do is photocopy your notes for 'em and we'll give you $50." Been looking for a job, too, but no success on that front.

Been making progress toward very likely getting a date, too. Joining OkCupid was a good idea. One conversation turned into a phone number and a trying-to-find-a-time-to-meet-up, so I'm pretty sure I'll actually get my first date-that-I've-know-as-a-date-at-the-time. (I've been on dates before, but not known it until later!) And another guy, whom I met in October (it's a long story... I went completely looney in public and insisted on hugging him, all because he said the word "Pachacuti"... so basically he's seen me at my strangest and wasn't scared off, even though I scared myself... this parenthesis has gone on too long, oops, gonna close parenthesis now and start the sentence over...) As I say, this guy I met in October also messaged me - apparently I really didn't scare him off! - and we've been chatting and I actually like him! So I don't know if that'll lead anywhere, but hopes are hopeful...

Found a new skull recently too. That's always nice. It has antlers. And the big questionably-legal one from this summer is almost ready to move indoors and it is beautiful.

Going to see Les Miserables (the stage show, not the movie!) this coming weekend, so that's exciting... Almost done with the book, too. Criminy that's a long book.

So yeah! I'm okay! I'm the king of okay, and okay is wonderful!
That's all for now...


radiosilence95's picture

It is pretty odd how similar

It is pretty odd how similar our current situations are. But anyway.

That feeling of not being needed by someone you love has dug into me very deeply...I'm sure it has done the same, to a varying degree perhaps, to you. And that epiphany you had of feeling better is definitely not insignificant. Realizing everything's going to be okay is actually super friggin' important. You can't really move on until you've realized that.

I hope you find what you're looking for. Actually, wait. I hope you find more than that, since oftentimes finding what we need is a matter of it finding us...if that makes sense. See, sometimes we look so hard for a certain thing that we miss out on other things...never mind. I'm just glad you've come to the conclusions you've needed to come to, and that you're close to finding that special someone.

thoughtgoddess's picture

Really glad to hear that

Really glad to hear that things are going well for you! :)