Not sure if I am gay or not...

james's picture

I am 16 years old, living in a small town full of white, religious people. Up until a couple days ago, I thought I was straight, but now I am not so sure. I have never been interested in sex with a female; I feel as if I am attracted to them, but I have never been able to watch straight or lesbian porn. I am the only one who dresses fashionably in my school, I love musicals, and I find myself attracted to some men. I get aroused when seeing naked men and/or gay porn. The problem is, I don't really feel gay. When I say this, I do not mean it in the stereotypical term (as an Italian, I already have the flamboyance :P), I just tell myself that I am not gay. I am very conflicted and confused, and some advice would be much appreciated.

radiosilence95's picture

Forget about stereotypes

Forget about stereotypes when considering whether or not you're gay. Comparing yourself to them won't help you at all.

There's no rush to figuring it out, and there's no checklist someone can give you. No one can figure out your orientation but yourself. You will find the concrete answers you're searching for eventually, just don't feel obligated to go crazy with sex or dating in a rush to figure it out. The answer will come to you naturally, so don't think incredibly hard about it.

PokemonGeek's picture

It may be possible that the

It may be possible that the attraction towards girls is more on an interllectual level. Do enjoy having conversations with girls? I agree with radiosilence in that you should NEVER define yourself based on stereotypes. Many guys enjoy musicals and are straight. You'll figure things out eventually.

Poor is the man
Whose pleasures depend
On the permission of another
Love me, that's right, love me
I wanna be your baby
Wanting, needing, waiting
For you to justify my love
Hoping, praying
For you to justify my love
I'm open and ready

james's picture

Do you have any advice on

Do you have any advice on how to do that? I am going crazy right now; my family is also very religious, so I feel as if I cannot confide in anyone.

jeff's picture


I think the biggest thing to note is that the vast majority of straight people don't wonder if they're gay, so there's that. Even fewer people of that group would be able to admit they get aroused watching naked men or with gay porn.

You seem like you have bought into the stereotypes to such a degree that you can't be gay because you don't line up with them, when few people actually do.

Without how you dress, being into musicals (which I completely support, since I live in NYC and go to shows constantly, heh), whether your area is religious, or anything else, being gay i really just about being emotionally, psychologically, physically, and sexually interested in guys. And, you haven't really provided any contrary evidence as to why that can't be the case for you.

There is a reason you don't feel gay, which is that it isn't new. A lot of people steer clear of things that might make them appear gay (fashion, hair products, musicals, music, etc., etc.), so if you haven't done that, there isn't as noticeable a change. You are just accepting the path you were on, whereby if you had been trying to be butch or something phony up until now, then you might finally give yourself the freedom to explore these other things. So, that's a good thing.

I guess the next natural step is what to do about it, and that depends on your comfort level and where you live. Is there a GSA at your school? Do you have anyone you can tell (since offline support can help a lot), a friend or something? (I'd also avoid telling any male friend that you might have a crush on, since you shouldn't muddy your support system and your romantic pursuits).

I guess the real question is: What will it take to convince you that you're gay? ;-)

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

anarchist's picture

This is bringing back memories.

When I first realized, I had been one of those people who avoided anything stereotypically gay. Then I found out I was gay, so I was just happy I didn't have to do that anymore.

Anyway, to OP, you don't need to worry. Nobody has to be gay or straight, so just chill until you're sure about it. Nothing has to change and you likely won't feel very different. (Personally, I was just happy I could describe my sexuality with a word, but it looks like you're pretty different there.) And if you don't want your parents to know, simply don't tell them. Nobody is forcing you to, and they can't read your thoughts or anything (hopefully), so just relax.

elph's picture

What a superb response!

The gamut's been covered!

Now... all that remains is acknowledgement. :)

james's picture

Thank you very much. There

Thank you very much. There is a GSA at my school, but my town is so bigoted that I feel like if I enter it that I will be rejected and looked down upon by the entire town. There have been a couple of homosexual men who have come out while in my school, and they were ripped apart. I would rather just wait another 2 years; once I can get of this hick-ville, I will be able to answer that question.

anarchist's picture

They were ripped apart?

Oh my god. That's disgusting. Do you live in Iran?

james's picture

The sad thing is that I live

The sad thing is that I live in Canada, supposedly one of the most tolerant nations on earth. Intolerance and bigotry is spoonfed to people at an early age, and in a single-cultured, extremely sheltered small-town, anything different is something to revile at.

jeff's picture


How would the town know who attends the GSA? Do you know who attends the GSA?

It is entirely possible to accept your sexuality, get very comfortable with yourself, and do a lot of positive stuff in those two years, though. So, I wouldn't just hit snooze on your life. Figure out what you can do, and go from there...

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

james's picture

You are forgetting: These

You are forgetting: These are teenagers, the most ruthless, unrelenting, egotistical, bigoted, pseudo-accepting people on the planet. People who go to the GSA (and yes, people know who goes) are constantly called fags, queers, homos, gay and various other terms just for being accepting.I don't know if I could take two years of ridicule and people who I thought my friends turning their backs on me.

jeff's picture


But this also means you know who is in your same situation. Anyone that goes to the GSA that you know well, feel comfortable talking to? Are they friends on Facebook? There is a lot of wiggle room between closeted, no one is quite sure whassup, and out.

My theory on friends turning their back on you is it doesn't exist. Anyone who turns their back on you was never a friend in the first place, so all you're doing is learning who will disappear from your life eventually, but just accelerating reality. I'm not saying you should be coming out, but, if anything, you will learn who your friends are. It is impossible to lose any true friends in the process...

Is it me or has this thread turn from not sure if I'm gay to not sure when I can come out? ;-)

Changing your username made me think of this song, so I played it, but some of the lyrics seem appropriate, so here you go...:

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

james's picture

I may try to speak to the

I may try to speak to the runner of the GSA, but I don't think I could go to one of the meetings. I'm not really friends with any of the people in the GSA; not because I dislike, just because we all have (almost) completely different interests. Many of my friends have very religious families, which is why I feel that I can't come out right now. I have already told one close friend about my confusion, and she didn't seem alienated. The guys in my town are jerks, but I feel like I have to be friends with them. When I wrote the topic, I knew that I was somewhat gay, I just wish that I am not. With the discrimination in the world, I can hardly imagine what others had to go through. I feel that if I am patient and get through high school, it will be even sweeter when I can discover myself. I think that I have known for a time that I am gay, I just couldn't come to terms with it myself. And yes, that song is eerily appropriate. I felt like some of the lyrics spoke to me

anarchist's picture

Lemme just say

that I'm really glad my high school is so accepting and liberal. We have a GSA and nobody gets bullied for their sexual orientation (I was made fun of a bit last year, but they quit because I didn't give a fuck). That's weird, because I live in a redneck county in southern Maryland where people get in fights over race. And we have no real homophobia problem. So I'm just perplexed at how a high school in Canada is worse than here.

(Teachers at my school are banned from mentioning sexual diversity, ironically by the diversity counsellor, but that's just because some conservative teachers might have bigoted opinions and could say bad things about it, not like Tennessee, where they banned it because they might say good things.)

That was an irrelevant comment, but it's still odd.

lordmomofenixed's picture

Honey, youre gay.

Forget the stereotypes, because you are yourself. But being attracted to men and not women, makes you gay. And if not, maybe bisexual or pansexual....

Actually, forget everything I just said. And forget labels. Just be yourself. Do what makes you happy, and forget about what it is or what it is called.

a psychotic pencilist, moe