My past however many weeks since I've posted have been almost completely uninteresting, all that's really relevant is that I got for Christmas as follows:
1 White Album, by the Beatles.
1 1, greatest hits album by the Beatles
1 stereo, for listening to mentioned albums, and many others
1 book, The Fabric of the Cosmos, by Brian Greene
And another book which wasn't really a present for Christmas, but that I just asked my parents to order for me and happened to arrive at about the same time, was The Story of my Experiments with Truth, by Mohandas K. Gandhi.
Anyways, I was going to talk about various vices, and how they seem to me so far in my short life:
First of all, coffee. Now, I fucking love coffee. And, sure, I'll get addicted to caffeine, but so what? I won't have to deal with withdrawal if I just drink more coffee.
Now, I know that coffee is a poor world cash crop, just another way in which the capitalist world exploits the poor for the benefit of the rich, and that irks me, and someday I think I might stop drinking coffee.
But for now I figure I'm also exploiting the third world by eating fruit ever, or vegetables in winter, or what have you. Hell, my entire world, my entire society oppresses the third world, that's capitalism.
So, for now, I'll keep drinking coffee. Because it's more than just a tasty drink, really, it's a fucking feeling, it just creates an atmosphere, that can't be replicated elsewhere.
Second, sex, lust, fornication, or whatever you want to call it. Fucking.
My general on sex is and always has been that people can decide whatever the fuck they want.
My thought is that it's less important to tell everyone be abstinent all the time than for people to make their own decisions.
I have an inkling that what matters more isn't so much the standard itself (abstinence til marriage; sex with romantic partners but no casual sex; casual sex and one night stands but always use a condom) because I think the right standard varies for everyone, but what's more important is that you set the standard that's right for you, and stick to it.
For example, if you decided abstinence til marriage is good for you, I say stick to that.
Or if you say one night stands are fine, but always use a condom, I say that's fine, but I think the problem comes in when you break your standards, when you do the things you told yourself you wouldn't do.
I think breaking the standard you set is more of a problem than an originally low standard, because it sets you up for recklessness.
Sex is as fucking terrible as it is fucking awesome, because it feels so great in every way and you just want it so much until it gets under your skin, but if you can't control yourself, if you can't set a standard and keep it, you can easily get in a lot of trouble.
For myself, personally, I honestly don't know.
Without being too specific, in the past year I've set standards that I thought were right for myself, and then I've routinely broken them.
Being in my formative years, I guess I decided reckless sex isn't the thing for me to be learning at this particular moment in time.
So I'm kinda in a state of limbo. First of all, what I'm going to try to do is to choose, myself, not to masturbate for this whole month of January.
I need to learn at least some basic self-control, I've figured that out over the repeated clusterfucks of the past year.
Which is why, I figure, if I can learn to now, manage to avoid touching myself for an entire month, maybe this difficult experience will inform on more difficult experiences I'm bound to face later in life.
That's what I'm doing now, but what about in life afterwards?
See, I don't know. Sex and lust or whatever feel so good in the moment, but only in the moment. There are times when I'm like you know what? I'm going to regret this later, when I'm not so fucking horny, and I damn well know it too. But it feels good right now, so I don't know what's stopping me! FUTURE Chad can deal with this clusterfuck!
i.e. I know, in the moment, that I will regret this current action mere minutes or hours later, but I do it anyway.
And think of this as well:
Look at this shit.
Those are photos from the Pacific Crest Trail. Isn't that comically beautiful? Sometime in my life, I want to hike the whole thing. Like 5 months of nothing but hiking, I'm fucking excited just thinking about it.
But all that beauty, all my want to be in that?
No sex, no horniness required.
Sometimes, I think it would be a lot more convenient if I didn't have the desire for sex, and thus I wouldn't have any downside from missing it, while also missing all of sex's possible, calamitous downsides.
For that reason, at least for now, my plan is only to have sex in a somewhat-long-term relationship. I mean, fuck marriage, I don't need the government to sanction my boyfriend before I stick my bone in him.
So like, if I've been dating someone for at least like a month, my hope is to then have sex, not for reasons of lust or just horniness, but for mutual shared expression of love and intimacy.
Like, having a committed boyfriend on the Pacific Crest Trail?
I'm not sure anything could be better.
But no lust need be required for happiness on a place as ruggedly beautiful as that staggeringly long trail.
Maybe these high-minded plans for only meaningful, and not lustful sex will change in college, in fact that's very likely, but I hope that I'll be able to at least control myself to a certain standard.
Moving on, to alcohol.
I don't have tremendous areas of experience in this particular area, but from what I can glean from what I know and I've tried, alcohol's pretty fucking awesome.
My fantasy of hiking the PCT would in no way be helped by horny, mindless sex, although it would be by intimacy with a legitimate long-term boyfriend.
Alcohol, though, I think, wouldn't dull the experience at all.
Obviously, only in the evenings, and in moderation, and I think that's a good rule for alcohol all the time for life.
So far, at least, though I can't be sure, I don't seem like the type to get aggressive under the influence of alcohol, or to get addicted to it, or even to have hangovers the morning after.
Because of my seemingly good response to it, where I stand on it now is that it's pretty fucking awesome, but always be somewhat cautious around it, as obviously it has the ability to kill.
And after that, other drugs.
Now, I admit I actually haven't tried any other drugs besides already mentioned.
If anything I know about anything about myself is true as of now, I'm a person who values cheer, company, family, and beauty, above pleasures of the flesh.
Because of that, I can say I'm much more likely to hike the entire PCT, or do something very like that, something to do with beauty and nature and friendship, than I am to be mired down in drugs.
Of course, that doesn't mean I won't try any, I have absolutely no moral objection to doing so.
But if anything I know is anything to go by, I probably want to avoid the heavier ones like meth and heroin.
Weed, though, was of course just legalized in Washington and Colorado.
And I'll evaluate it the same way I evaluated everything else, by how it would jibe with my ultimate spiritual and beautific experience (for now, it changes sometimes), hiking the PCT.
My opinion? Weed, at least, if not most other drugs, would fit in wonderfully with such an excursion.
Of course, I'll have to try it, and there's a few others I want to try someday, and I'll find what I like and what works for me in the context of those experiences that really give my life meaning (like hiking the PCT, how they'd enhance a similar experience, rather than just how I feel about the drugs themselves).
But that's how I feel about a number of vices that I've tried and tested, comment however you want I suppose.