Untitled Journal Entry #1

anarchist's picture

I was originally going to post this as a reply to Radiosilence's journal, but there was so much to write about myself that I decided to just post it as its own journal to avoid cluttering her comment area, and to write the more relevant stuff as the reply. So here is "Untitled Journal Entry #1":

What's funny about me is that I'm both quiet and talkative. I don't say a word on the Bus or in the first hour and a half of school, and I gradually get more comfortable talking later in the day when I start being around people I'm more familiar with. I just hate strangers, I guess. That could be contributing to my lack of friends.

Anyway, the GSA is a place I would absolutely love to go to if it didn't require my parents knowing. And I can't just drive myself back instead of taking the bus because I'm boycotting driving completely. I don't want to contribute to the phenomenon that's destroying the world with space-consuming transportation networks, crashes, and pollution, and I can't afford a car and petroleum, anyway (especially considering I'm down $200 that my dad owes me). So I'll likely never be able to attend a GSA meeting in my life. Woe is me!

I've been listening to quite a lot of hip hop lately, so have this:

Comments

elph's picture

It might be helpful...

if you'd describe what you think would happen if you were to just announce, "Hey mom, dad... you know what, I'm almost certain that I'm gay!"

What do you envisage happening at that point? Don't you suspect they already know?

****

As for the GSA... I'm assuming that meetings are held after school, and probably no more often than once per week. If you require some sort of subterfuge, why not get an after-school job (tutoring?) and just "arrange" with your employer to be "off" when meetings are held?

radiosilence95's picture

Yeah, what Elph said. Are

Yeah, what Elph said. Are your parents incredibly ridiculously homophobic? Do you feel your physical well-being would be compromised by coming out to them?

If you're showing zero interest in girls, haven't had a girlfriend once in your life and whatnot, they've probably started having suspicions.

anarchist's picture

If it's obvious that I'm gay, then they're in denial.

They have shown no signs of suspicion, so I assume the thought hasn't even occurred to them. The closest to a sign that I can think of is the oddity that they absolutely never discuss females with me, other than occasionally referencing the ideal that I will grow up and get a wife and children. They certainly don't discuss potential lovers with me as much as they did with my sister, but I don't think they believe I'm gay. They probably think I'm asexual or something.

And the only excuse I could think of for staying after school would be after-class math help, but those happen on a different day than the GSA meetings, so it would be pointless.

radiosilence95's picture

Or you could just, y'know,

Or you could just, y'know, tell them. No need to sneak around.

elph's picture

Everything you've mentioned...

about your parents strongly suggests (at least to me) that the topic of sex is a bit awkward for them: The thinking of many (but not all) from the "older generation" is that it's quite expected (i.e., unavoidable) that teenage girls will go "batty" over boys... often serially! :)

Boys, however, are potentially-rampant sex machines that require no encouragement whatsoever from parents: Many just figure that saying nothing to their teen sons is the safest...

This is probably inexperienced (I don't say: poor) parenting... but, go figure.

****

That said, I fully understand your inability/unwillingness to bring up the subject. And you're not being criticized for your reticence; it's all-too-normal!

Do you have doting grandparents (or other older relatives) with whom you could have a fully confidential conversation... seeking their advice?

How about that after-school "job" with time out to attend GSA meetings?

anarchist's picture

I have no interest in discussing this with any relatives.

There's no reason to do so. Plus, the closest relatives to me outside the immediate family are in West Virginia, Germany, and Wales, so there's nowhere really to go or anything.

I don't know what excuse I could have for staying after school. There are no jobs around, so I can't do anything about that, either, unless I just lie and hang around the school for a couple of hours every day (which would be cruel to my dogs, since there would be nobody to take them out).

elph's picture

Your dogs!

This is your best excuse!

If you really love them... this is the best thing you can do for them.

But... I do have to say one thing: You're really good at finding unsolvable situations! :)

So cogitate... and you'll likely find a solution to your predicaments.

NB: That verb is not the one you frequently exploit in such situations! :)

(Just guessing, of course!)

anarchist's picture

I honestly can't think of anything.

If I did stay after school for anything I'd need to wait a couple of hours after for my dad to stop working his usual overtime. And I don't want to make him stop working for the day because of some lie so I can go to the GSA. That would inconvenience him. So it seems like there really is no way to ever go, unless I did get a car and a driver's license, but I don't think I could make enough time or money for that.

anarchist's picture

Since I can't go to GSA, I'll make a list of reasons I want to.

And of course I'll post it here.
•Reason №1: I get really nervous around other gays (with the exception of one I knew who switched to a different school); I think that's a sign I need to get more used to being around them IRL. Actually, that can be solved by simply not being antisocial, but the GSA would be a great excuse to get out and talk to people.
•Reason №2: I am lonely. Again, the GSA would be a great excuse to go out and start talking to people.
•Reason №3: I would love a place just like this in real life. That would be so fucking cool.
•Reason №4: I'm bored all the time. GSA would be a great diversion to keep me entertained for an extra however-long for FREE. Can't beat that deal.
•Reason №5: It would be interesting to hear what other gays' lives are like at my age. I con't imagine what anybody else my age does with all the restrictions placed by society on members of my age group. And I just hang around nerds who stay home and do homework, program, and play video games all day, so I don't know. Maybe knowing how others my age entertain themselves, and more, could lead to more potential entertainment in the future. Fun! Also, see Reasons №1&2.
•Reason №6: I just want to know what goes on there. What do they talk about at this secret meeting place? It must be more than just a "safe place" or whatever, since they obviously find new discussion topics every week.
•Reason №7: I like listening to people talk about random stuff. So listening to everything going on there could really get my mind working and thinking about a lot of things without having to find new YouTube videos to do that.
•Reason №8: It might be interesting seeing people I know there. Maybe I know plenty of queers who I was unaware of.
•Reason №9: This one's obvious. In case you still don't know, I'll just point it out: potential boyfriends. This, of course, is one of the least significant reasons I want to go, because (1) I don't have time for a real relationship and (2) there aren't a lot of attractive guys at my school.
•Reason №10: Street cred, dawg, know what I'm sayin', yo?

Writing this just made me want to go even more. That's exactly what I thought wouldn't happen.

jeff's picture

So...

1) How often has that happened, you being around a lot of other gays? This is probably just generic antisocial stuff, since there is no "them," they're just people like you.

2) Honestly, any excuse for that outcome would be a good reason. It could be a knitting club, naked pottery mixer, whatever.

3) Yeah, this isn't meant to be a substitute for finding offline community.

5) You might be surprised how undifferent you are in this regard. Of course, if you try and find differences, you will, sort of like how we get the occasional metalhead in here who goes into a room expecting people to not accept them or some nonsense, when in fact, no one really cares about that issue as much as they make it one. So, they'll either be the same, or slightly different. But probably not amazingly different, unless there's a ton of stuff you could be doing in your community and are purposefully avoiding.

6) Probably like here. Sometimes a topic, sometimes people just talking. When I ran my student group in college, we'd start with a topic, and sometimes we'd stay on it, sometimes go off on crazy tangents. Or, sometimes someone in the group had something that happened that they wanted to discuss.

9) This no time issue seems to be in conflict with 4), no? I mean, everyone figures out how to fill their days. That doesn't mean we all can't reprioritize or flip things around if we wanted to.

10) Not really, no.

Of course, if you go once, you might find someone who drives to school who lives nearby, thus removing the GSA travel issue.

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

elph's picture

Three more suggestions for you to mull over...

If your school has a choral group, photography club, or drama club... consider joining... even if you may feel that you might not "fit in."

I'm betting that you can... and I'm quite confident that the members have already sorted themselves out! Meaning: Your chances of meeting potential friends in these self-selecting groups is much better than in the school as a whole!

Also: Joining such groups should make it much easier for you to attend GSA meetings without provoking parental "suspicions"! :)

anarchist's picture

I don't know about a photography club,

but there is a photography class. I really love photography, so I'll definitely attend that if I get the opportunity, though I believe I might not, since I have a different schedule than others due to AP classes.
I definitely wouldn't join a choral group (because I'm the worst singer I've ever heard in my life), and I'm not sure about drama. I have absolutely no experience with plays; I've only seen and read a few, and I have less than no experience in production. I don't know anything about how they're done or how long it takes or anything. I might be a good actor, since I can easily look someone right in the eye and lie to them without hesitation fault, and memorization isn't a big problem for me at all. So I could join, but I feel like I need more experience or at least know a thing about the concept before I join a club devoted to it.

elph's picture

I think you may have found "a home" :)

It sounds like you and drama could be an excellent fit... even if it doesn't lead directly to GSA!

I'd bet anything that you'd find a lot of very like-minded (i.e., like-oriented) boys in drama. Ask around... and take the challenge!

I'm betting that you'll enjoy it! Maybe too late for this term... but, at least ask!

jeff's picture

Hmm...

Can the GSA and the Drama Club even logistically meet at the same time? Seems unlikely. ;-)

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

anarchist's picture

Well,

the GSA at my school does meet in a theater room, so I guess that makes the logistics easier for a busy schedule.

anarchist's picture

I do know one guy who is in the theater thing.

He isn't gay, but people say he's metrosexual. I don't really understand why they consider him that, as he seems like just any everyday fuck, despite the fact that he's a cool nihilist like me.
I still don't think I know enough to actually join. I could ask or something next year what the requirements are. I'm not much of a performer, so I think I could just do the backstage stuff, like most people do. (Actually, with all the knowledge of music theory I have and all the experience, I could probably help out a lot in musicals.)

elph's picture

Your backpack of excuses...

seems bottomless! :(

You've always let us know that you've already honed your "private" acting to a pretty sharp edge!

Through the drama club you will develop the skills that just may help you to enjoy being a bit more social!

And Jeff's comment amount the meeting times of GSA and Drama... you did grok that one? :)

jeff's picture

OK...

Here's how clubs work: You aren't meant to have skills and technique and everything sorted out when you sign up. These aren't people already in the stage manager's union and professional actors who are just in between roles.

You go because you have a remote interest in theater, and how it is done. And you have a lot of fun with people while putting on shows. That's about it.

As for what you will do in the shows, that would likely be determined by the person running things. Plus, it is theater, so if Fiddler On The Roof needs more Moishes in the shtetl, then you're going to be standing in the background onstage.

Life isn't about figuring everything out and then proceeding forward, unless you're really into continually learning how little you know about things the hard way repeatedly. You'll hear people say life is about the journey, not the destination, and a lot of people learn this when they plot their way to happiness, get there, and are still unhappy.

If you find a group of people to talk with, share inside jokes with, have fun with, gossip with, maybe date, and every so often you all are onstage performing for like 2 percent of the total amount of time you spend together, you'll figure out in short time, the play is the least important part of the equation.

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

anarchist's picture

You're reminding me of Paolo Coelho.

Anyway, I'm definitely joining this, then. But next year. I'll have time to settle the schedule and transportation the rest of the year and over the summer.

elph's picture

Just do it!

You'll enjoy it!