Yeah so this morning I went on a date... Not my first date, but the first one I've known at the time to be a date... so that's something. It was okay. Zero chemistry, but we got along well enough - conversation with some awkward silences that I did my best to turn into non-awkward silences. He's awkward, and I'm not much better, but we did all right, although it didn't feel much like a date 'cause of the utter lack of chemistry.
I think I passed, though, which is kind of weird - I usually don't pass at all once people hear my voice, but he didn't ask any questions or seem to notice anything. I was prepared to answer questions, and I was prepared to have gender stuff be an obstacle - but no need, apparently. So it seems like it was just a gay date!
This is clearly not leading anywhere, which, honestly, comes as a relief.
Also, Pachacuti guy (I've stopped calling him Pachacuti in my mind, but he needs a codename, okay) says he's figured out that he's not interested in dating anyone - that chatting with me had somehow helped him understand his fear of intimacy? Something weird like that; not sure how that works. So that's disappointing - hopes were actually a little hopeful on that front. But I'd also be happy to get to know him as a friend, so as long as he's not totally weirded out by me (wouldn't blame him if he was) I'll keep pursuing that....
Miki? I'm amazed how much it helped just to remember what "just friends" means - it means how we were a year ago. Just remembering it and recognizing that what I was feeling wasn't that, I was able to kick myself and go back to that, and I'm astonished it worked. At least functionally, it worked - might still be something deeper down, but I can avoid that easily enough.
Okay well that is my update... Sorry to bother you all; this really is just documentation for Future Me.