Why hello there, Oasisians!

centerfielder08's picture

Hello.

I'm back and I said I would try to be, which is awesome! :) I hope to keep returning for sure! :D

Anywho, just an update on life.

My last visit at the psychiatrist, they started this new thing where some random nurse who I had never met before would take my vitals (blood pressure, etc.) and just ask basic health questions. Among those questions, was the ever-dreaded question concerning my weight. She asked me how much I weigh and I said I didn't know, because I don't really. So she had me go on a scale. She didnt tell me to stand backwards (so I wouldn't see the number), she just had me stand there, watch her as she adjusted the weight things until the scale was even on both sides (what kind of scale is this? I'm not sure what it's called). Then, she said my weight aloud.

I can't say it here because I'm paranoid you'll find me.

It made me so uncomfortable that she did that, though, because it's a number that's higher than where I want to be. And it makes me really self-conscious about my body and shape and stuff. So I was working on not weighing myself for a bit and I started to get better about it. Except, over the beginning of winter break, I checked multiple times a day. Truth be told, I wanted the number to be lower. I haven't weighed myself recently because when family came to visit, my parents put the scale somewhere, but I have no clue just where it is. So I guess that's a good thing.

But I look back at old pictures of myself, and I find myself saying "Gah, I miss being skinny." I just feel so weird about this cause I know I shouldn't think this way.

On another topic, yesterday, after hitting the 260 day mark of me staying 'clean,' I broke it. I don't feel that bad about it, to be honest. Weird, yes. But do I regret it? No. Not.at.all. So yeah, I broke that streak. And that's just whatever. I see my therapist tomorrow and I'll tell her then. I am anticipating that she'll ask stuff like:
"Why'd you do it?"
"How'd you feel after?"
"Can you explain what was going through your mind before you relapsed?"
"How do you feel about relapsing?"
or some such questions. I know she'll have me explain and I guess that's fine. Or not. It just is, I dunno.

Right now as I write this journal entry, I feel sick to my stomach.

Hmm...oh and today I was at work (I work 2 different jobs, one is part time ~15-20 hours a week and the other is just a few hours a week) and after I got paid, I took that money and money I put aside from this same job last weekend (and some other loose bills I found) and counted it up I think I actually may have enough for a binder now. I could use a good binder. I'm getting sick of these two lumps on my chest and not passing. :(

Feeling sensitive, so please no YOU SUCK comments. Not that anyone has done that (and no, I'm not being sarcastic).

Tomorrow I may see my friend and her sorta sister (long story there). I'm hoping that it will work out because sometimes our plans fall through and then its sad and blah :/ . But anyway, I think they may take me shopping for more self-validating stuffs. They're both SUPER excited (from what they've told me and apparently some of what they've said to each other) to help me pick out my more gender-affirming wardrobe :P Yay that will be fun. First I'll just have to get through a therapy session. Which isn't bad, I love my therapist. I'm just nervous to not know what she'll say and/or how she'll respond and what questions she'll ask me.

I'm off to go work on some photography for a bit. Let me know if you have any questions or anything.

I'll be back here soon to write more. So much to catch up on, Oasis!!

Til then,
Eli

Comments

hellonwheels's picture

Didnt know you were using, Eli....

But good job on 260 days. I know how hard even that can be from my ex's experience w/ drugs and using.

I also feel ya on the weight thing-I am about 40 lbs overweight right now, and continually gaining, despite efforts not to gain weight. at least I am finally able to run/jog more than a mile again. My mile times might suck, but hey, I am doing it!

Hope your new year finds you well, and you can get clean....but I won't the the 'prophet' to quote the mad season lyric.

happy new year, Eli!

hell

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

elph's picture

Possibly an errant inference?

I suspect the allusion was not to substance abuse...

****

btw: I hope no tsunami comes your way following the recent quake off Alaska!

anarchist's picture

There was an earthquake near Alaska?

This is some bad news.

hellonwheels's picture

you are right elph....

It may have been an inference on my part, but generally when someone refers to being 'clean' for any streak of time, it refers to substance abuse or negative habits.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

centerfielder08's picture

hell, you are correct. i

hell,

you are correct. i was referring to a negative habit that i struggle with on a daily basis. it hardly ever leaves my mind and if it does, its only momentarily.

but, i'll write more soon.

hope youre doin alright.

hellonwheels's picture

well, eli...

Here's to a better 2013 for ya, kicking whatever that negative habit is, and making changes for the better this year! I quit drinkin, and am going to the gym. Ran my first 5k in years last night. feeling like hell today, but hey, at least I did it. lol.

If ya ever need to chat about things, you know how to ind me.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman