MaddieJoy's picture

You see this? It's fifty dollars. And it's yours if you'll be my friend. Not indefinitely, just for one night. Next year I'm turning sixteen and I need you to come to my party and tell me how pretty I look. I need you to go to the back of your mind and dredge up some happy memory that I was somehow involved in and tell it to everyone. Tell me how you love me SO MUCH, and you're so proud of how far I've come since we first met. Say I'm one of your best friends. Smile. Hug me. Get a little misty-eyed, then give me a generic giftcard and promise we'll go sweater-shopping together. We don't even have to go, just say we will. Let me live what you're living, for one night let me climb into your skin and be like every other girl in the world. Let everyone see that I'm happy, because I need some kind of proof.
Take the fifty. I won't miss it; I've got another one at home. Take it and go to the mall with Abby and Annika, and buy something, and forget about me until next October, when I'll put on the special dress I've been saving up for and get in the limo with all of my acquaintances and go to dinner at the fancy restaurant. Then, for just a few hours, remember me. Remember whatever times we've spent together, and make them into something important. Just for one night.
Or don't. I don't care.
Either way, you can keep the cash.

Update: She's a fucking mind reader. I didn't even have to say this out loud--we were in the van coming back from States (during which she did some pretty mean stuff on accident) and she told me that having to climb over me in the van made us "official friends," and then she made a big announcement about it. How freaky is that???


anarchist's picture

What a coincidence.

That's about how much I spent on the Burzum record, including shipping.

Also, you seem to care too much about what other people think of you. Don't. It can drive you to do very irresponsible things. I don't have any friends, either (especially none who I have known for years), and I'm perfectly happy. And that's because I don't care at all about other people's opinions. Just do and be what makes you happy, nothing else. Social approval will not give you any contentment if it requires lying and changing who you are. It's cliché and hackneyed, but it's true.

radiosilence95's picture

This actually kind of broke

This actually kind of broke my heart into little pieces.

Though no two people can experience the exact same thing in the exact same way, I know the place a journal like this comes from. I know the state of mind, the state of being, that inspires this. You're lonely but you're not alone in your loneliness. If anything, you can take comfort in that.

I have no sound advice, other than the vague, cliched "Branch out and don't be afraid to talk to new people!" You have to channel that negativity into something productive, positive. My avenue has been reading and writing. Yours is most likely a bit different. Focus all of your energy into that avenue. Become obsessed with it. Let it consume all of your time and being, because otherwise you're just floating around in your loneliness and that leads to the worst places.

MaddieJoy's picture

Actually I act. And write.

Actually I act. And write. But I'm mostly drawn to really depressing themes, unfortunately.

The ducks will get you!

hellonwheels's picture

I was wondering...

If that was a real dialog or not...seemed almost too emotional to be true....liek something out of a cheesy high school drama like Saved! or something like that. well written though. lol.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

MaddieJoy's picture

no, not real

just what I wanted to say

The ducks will get you!

gayteen1995's picture

oh my gosh...

i know how you feel unfortunately. desperate for normalcy.

now i still wish that i could be like everyone else
i love you
*rainbow roller coaster*
ps if you need to talk just pm me

MaddieJoy's picture


that means a lot

The ducks will get you!

FlyflewAway's picture

beautiful poem

please keep writing, this work of art is worth more than 50$

<3 keep your chin up

I'd never lie to you
Unless I had to, I'll do what I got to
The truth...is you could slit my throat
And with my one last gasping breath
I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt - Tbs

MaddieJoy's picture

thank you

I will

The ducks will get you!