Heart Broken

Spiketail34's picture

Dear Journal,

I believe today is going to be a strange day. It may sound odd enough to even begin the day by saying it will be bizarre…but somehow I inherently feel today it is going to be a different. You may presume this would be due to what I would do differently today, but in fact, it’ll be because of what happened yesterday. I came out to a very close family friend, close enough to be my aunt, that is.

I had been expecting a shocked/ disappointing reaction although; surprisingly I found the exact opposite. It actually appeared as though she had a slight hint and was looking for confirmation; coming out to her was like a breath of fresh air in my dry, cracked lungs.

Anyways, we spoke about the people that are aware of my situation and other details related to being "queer". Though, the most difficult part of the conversation was the first relationship I had. I find it to be a very sensitive topic, and berate myself in that I still have yet to recover from the emotional stress .

Based on the conversations and analysis people have from what they’ve seen and heard of the relationship- there isn’t really much good to come from me getting back with the person. Although the question, much akin to a thorn in my side is ‘Why is it that I am still attached to him emotionally despite the time apart I’ve taken?’

Below are the possibilities I’ve ruled out:
A) Perhaps sexual tension
B) An inherent need to belong
After much reflection, I’ve come to the conclusion that I may have been in love with this person the entire time. I mean, at least that’s how I feel whether one may disagree or agree and argue it may actually just be a primal emotion-lust, or the heavy influence of hormones (being a young adult), perhaps merely infatuation.

Although, it felt much more real as if whenever I’m was ever around this person I’d feel ‘a sigh of relief’, knowing that I could talk and be with someone who cares about me the same way as I do with them, the inherent mutual acceptance.

After the relationships had finished we concurred to an agreement to remain friends and not let whatever it is that has happened get between the two of us. Unfortunately, I didn't know that I was setting myself to be emotionally hurt over and over again as I found it impossible to remain impartial, after having established such a close bond.

With me still being in love with this person, I set myself up for failure in actually going ahead and trying to move on from what we had.
On December 22nd and I vividly remember coming home from work and a little Christmas shopping and just as I was leaving my car, I received a text from him asking how things are going for the first time in weeks. Predictably, my heart would drop and I would stop everything and point all my focus to him in hopes that something would happen. and he tells me about his plans for Christmas, which to my surprise are very dreary.
Apparently, he spends Christmas at home alone every year as he doesn’t have the money or means to buy gifts for anyone or hold a gathering as all of his friends go to their families homes for Christmas, and him going home isn’t an option as he was disowned for being “Gay”.
Well, with Christmas being my favorite time of the year I respond by encouraging him with positive reinforcement… that it’s not really about the gift giving but rather the time to be with the people you care most about. Although they may be busy on Christmas day there are numerous other days that you could be with them to show that you still care. Regrettably his sordid response was that he was happy I felt that way, and that’s where the conversation was left off.

On Christmas Eve he texts me to wish me a Merry Christmas Eve and I reciprocated the wish and asked how he was feeling and he responded with the answer that he’d talk to me later as he was at a dinner with friends. My initial reaction was I’m glad he went ahead to meet up with his friends as that will finally break the horrible Christmas tradition he’d set out for himself, but then I was also hurt at the fact that he initiated a conversation only to blow me off once it got started. Obviously, it hurt further as it wasn’t the first time he had done this which in turn, makes me feel as though I’m just the person he knows he can talk to or ‘use’ when he’s bored and needs someone to talk to though the feeling is never reciprocated, in turn making me feel horrible-much allike the other times he’s said the line “I’ll talk to you tomorrow…”wherein tomorrow never comes.

A similar situation occurs on New Year’s day though this time he seemed to get to the point as he texts me writing he ‘misses’ me. Being a diehard romance fan (a clear fool, in this case) I first thought this could be the moment that I’ve been waiting for and maybe he took it upon himself to create a New Year’s resolution that included him revealing his true feelings for me, and so from that I instantly replied with the response “Happy New Years, I miss you too!!!!” With hopes that perhaps things could move on and maybe develop into the relationship that I’d envisioned it to be.
Up until I received a disheartening reply with the exact words “Oops, I texted the wrong, person, I’ll text you tomorrow”

To this day, I still feel emotionally scarred and upset. Every time I must talk about it I find myself wailing like we just broke up, I’d never been this hurt before and luckily it happened during the week I was off. And so, therapeutically, I lay in my bed, snuggled up in the comfort of my blanket watching “Gossip Girl” and snacking on semi-sweet chocolate.
Nonetheless, reality eventually caught up with me with the fact that the world still revolves and I need to finish up on my homework along with going to work.

I suppose this was an example of what Aristotle meant when he said that there’s a balance ratio in everything, and this is a prime example of how no matter what one may try to do or think that there is a form of mutual feelings amongst two people -there’s always one that feels different from the other whether slight or in this case drastically.

Comments

elph's picture

Reading "between the lines"...

I'm obliged to infer that at the present you are in your senior year of high school? This is strongly hinted at in your first of three rapid-fire journals last evening...

Also... you seem to be suggesting that the boy for whom you experienced your first feelings of over-powering affection (it may even have been mutual!)... is now more-properly characterized as "just a friend" who is currently sending (possibly mis-sending?) profoundly mixed messages.

You say, however, that he is currently living alone (at least without close family or friends). This leaves me to suspect that he could be considerably older... possibly in college?

Of course... you've left a lot for readers to infer... so, your actual circumstances may be easily misconstrued! :(

Anyway... you sound like you have much affection to share with the "right" person! I think his "excuse" that his latest text was sent to you in error was just a bit unkind! Truth or not... difficult to tell...

I'd bet the encouragement you received from your de-facto "aunt" was to seek friends from within your own age group. Again... just guessing... but this is something I'd strongly support!

Welcome to Oasis!

And... good luck!

Spiketail34's picture

yes im in senior high and

yes im in senior high and yes hes in college but the things is that granted i should find people within my age group but thats hard to do as no one is really out and i mean we have a gsa but im the only gay male there :/

Bosemaster42's picture

If,

This guy was your first crush or love, this would explain why your feelings are still strong. Perhaps, based on some of the messages received, it would be best to move forward, not backward.

Spiketail34's picture

yes this guy was my first

yes this guy was my first crush, its just really hard to move on when he cnsistently does what he does so i blocked him in hopes of moving forward we'll see how that works put