I don't even know

Super Duck's picture

Things continue to be very bland. I had kind of a field trip yesterday, so that was good. There's another one coming up soon too. It's not too exciting because these involve actually doing work and also that girl I think I might like a little isn't in the clubs or classes that get to go. Still, it's always nice to get out of that miserable school for a day.

I started counting my calories a few weeks ago. I'm not necessarily on a "diet," really. I simply make sure I don't eat over a certain number of calories per day. (I ruined it yesterday with seasoned fries and Mr. Pibb, though. Seasoned fries and Mr. Pibb is the snack of the gods. Actually, I think it's called Pibb Xtra now, but I distinctly remember it being called Mr. Pibb at one point, and I feel dumb saying "Pibb Xtra.") A few times a week I exercise too. But, I don't have any place to do it except outside, and I kind of hate it because neighbors bother me when I am clearly quite busy. I've lost some weight, I think. I'm not really all that interested in the number on the scale, so I haven't been checking that too much. I'm mainly interested in how my clothes fit and how I look instead. My wretched school uniform skirt is baggier than usual. Very nice.

There are only 3 months left until graduation. I can't even tell you how much I'm looking forward to it. I hated high school. I really did. Senior year has been the best so far, but I can't say it's even necessarily all that great. I just really want it to end already. I'm so sick of living here. It feels like I'm in a cage.

So, yes, anyway, about the girl-I-might-like-but-hopefully-don't. I brought a box of cheesy Valentine cards to school on Valentine's Day last week. I gave them out in one of my classes in which we weren't doing anything. I gave her one that says I think she's groovy. That's the closest I've ever gotten to giving a girl a present on Valentine's Day, haha.

And then, today, when I got to school around 9 like always since I don't have to go to first period, a custodian came over to me and said, "A girl went in that locker room over there about half an hour ago and hasn't come out yet. You should go check on her," and I said that I would. I thought maybe it was this other girl who doesn't have a first period class, but it wasn't. It was The Girl. She was all wrapped up in a blanket and asleep on the little bed thing in there. I kind of froze because I was surprised that it was her because she has a class then. I thought to myself, "Holy fuck, she looks so peaceful and cute and oh god, what do I even do?" and decided maybe I should leave, but before I managed to, she must have heard my footsteps because she woke up.

"Hmm? Super Duck?" she asked all sleepily, melting my heart and probably also the rest of my vital organs with her adorableness.

I knew I probably looked soooo bad right about then. I didn't want her to think I was creeping on her or anything because I really was just doing what I had been asked to do, so I awkwardly explained that I had been sent to check on her. I told her that basically the custodian wanted to know if she was sick or not, and she pulled the blanket closer and mumbled, "No, sleepy..." and closed her eyes again. I looked at her really stupidly for a moment because I am really stupid, said something like, "Uhh, well, sleep well, then," and then left and sat by the bleachers, where I awaited 9 and thought about how tragically bad I am with the ladies. I am so bad with them it isn't even funny. What am I going to do starting in September when I'm somewhere where I can actually date? I am going to be so lost and dumb.

I really hope whatever this is does not progress any further than it has already. It is NEVER fun when I like someone. I never enjoy that. That is a BAD feeling. Nothing about that is ever fun. Right now, there is no pain or depth. With graduation so close, I'm hoping there won't be time for any of that. Or maybe I really don't even have a crush on her after all. I hope it's that one. I'm so dumb I can't even tell. I just know that she's hot and I really want her physically, but I really can't imagine being all sappy and romantic with her. Not like it even matters since she's straight like pretty much every girl I ever find myself attracted to, with the highly probable exception of FCG.

Wow, it's super late. I should probably go to sleep. I don't know. I just felt compelled to type this.


jeff's picture


You should have asked, "Do you want a cuddle buddy?"

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Super Duck's picture

Damn, I should have! The

Damn, I should have! The thought of asking did cross my mind, actually, but I figured I already probably looked bad enough standing there staring stupidly right as she woke up...

hellonwheels's picture

I wouldn't worry about it....

You will get better at it with time. No doubt. I have faith, Super Duck!

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

Super Duck's picture

I hope so, but really I seem

I hope so, but really I seem to be worse compared to 10th grade when I liked FCG.