Idk why...

hellonwheels's picture

...I post on here anymore. Nobody ever comments on the things I post anyway. Not to mention I am far too old to be sticking around on a site for 'youth' anyway....

Hell, I am too old to even go to the groups here locally like oasis youth center or lambert house on capitol hill...Although both times I went there as well, I felt like I was the odd man out, like I didn't belong w/ the group of kids that were there.

Idk...Just seems like I am mid way through my young adult life, and I have yet to even really change. Things have definitely changed in the past 8 years....the first time I logged into this site, I barely had the balls to type....feared the internet history on the computer too much, feared being associated w/ being gay, with talking about gays, too much, etc....

That has definitely changed alot for the better, but I doubt I will ever be fully comfortable with things. Idk. Internalized homophobia is a bitch. So is trying to unlearn all the barriers and constrictions I forced myself to live by.....even if they were based on slightly irrational fears.

If you can, read my last journal and tell me waht you think of it. I mean, having another friend to be out to is a good thing, right?

Comments

FlyflewAway's picture

yo

i went through a phase of why do i bother also but the new people on here prove me wrong because when i notice them i remember why i came on the site in the first place to reach out to better myself and possibly better others =p, time waits for no one i hope u dont let ur age stop u in being yourself and reaching out =] also by the way u type so fluently i dont think its a matter of not having anything to say but having to much to say and not knowing what to blurt out first? anyways today is your lucky day because it just so happens to be the day i log on the site every blue moon or so =p

I'd never lie to you
Unless I had to, I'll do what I got to
The truth...is you could slit my throat
And with my one last gasping breath
I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt - Tbs

hellonwheels's picture

Haha...yeah.

Too much to say and too many thoughts could definitely be the problem....Could also be the reason I am not doing too well in school right now, but who knows. And thanks, I have always been told I have a natural ability to write and communicate my opinions and feelings on paper.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

Bosemaster42's picture

Your point of view,

is important, regardless of what you may think. I too, sometimes feel I may be too old to continue posting on here. I'm guilty of being absent a lot as well, due to my changing work situation. In fact, I think I respond more to other's posts moreso than posting journal entries.
Internalized homophobia is indeed a bitch, as I'm still learning how to accept my own situation and it's likely my motivation for staying in touch with people who share some of the same problems and feelings.
I just want you to know you're not alone and if you need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to PM me. I will answer all messages, especially today because I blew off work to avoid having to drive in this frigging blizzard that's heading our way. After all, I am the snow removal crew here at my house!

hellonwheels's picture

thanks for the reply, bose....

I know you and I have come from similar situations in regards to internalized homophobia and general situations. Hope the new job/workload isn't killing you!

hell

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

jeff's picture

Well...

I was projectile vomiting earlier in the week, which kept my replies at bay, heh.

Of course, I often tell you the same thing every time anyway. ;-)

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Bosemaster42's picture

How lovely,

You must have had that awful stomach bug that's been around. I've managed to dodge the bug bullet this year, hope it stays that way.

jeff's picture

Yeah...

It was rather undelightful.

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

hellonwheels's picture

I just had that as well....

It was pleasant...not.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

Sam2000's picture

You mean quite a bit to me!

Hell, you're a huge positive influence on me and one of the reasons that I have continued to write on here! It's great knowing that someone else out there understands what I'm going through and doesn't judge me for loving heavy metal.

I too have written what I thought were great journals on here only to have them ignored, at least as far as responses go. Doesn't mean that they weren't read but at the same time I wonder why that happens?

Keep writing on here, lots of people look up to you and need you too :-))

Sam

jeff's picture

hehehe...

What is it about heavy metal music and people thinking they are so judged for it? It's such a non-issue, except to people who like metal and think the world is against them... who would think the most emo people would turn out to be metalheads?!

I'm not a fan of heavy metal, dependent on your definition, but it really doesn't matter, especially on a site where no one else hears the music you're playing anyway, unless you post it.

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

hellonwheels's picture

If it makes ya feel better, jefff....

Ihave never felt judged for listening to heavy metal!

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman