Mermaid Motel

ElsaGabor's picture

Well, I've been gone for quite a bit. Things have definitely changed in my life. Some for the better, some for the worse. I'm still clean, I haven't touched any sort of drug ( I did get drunk one Friday, but I haven't since) and I'm still smoking cigarettes.

The winter here in Texas has been relatively mild, and there's been a lack of constant overcast, which has spared me from my usual winter depression. That is up until now however.

I feel it all over. I feel a huge weight on my chest all day long, and all I want to do is scream and kick and shout the cruelest of insults at the people in my life. Every day is shit. Everyone is shit. My life is shit. For now at least.

If there's anything I've relapsed into is being a little whore. Sadly, I'm back to filling the void by blowing guys in their cars. Oops. Wish I could care, but as of right now it still gives me that temporary stimulation I need. It's stupid I know, but what am I to do?

I wish I didn't have to be like this; caught in a hellish juxtaposition of numbness and constant panic. I wish that for just a moment there would be pure, unadulterated peace in my life. I'm not even in my whole self-loathing phase anymore. I'm just over all of this. I swear when I get like this I just wanna bash my face in. It's just annoying as all fuck.

Hopefully this whole depressive phase will end soon enough. I'm so lonely right now and wish someone would hold me and make me feel just O.K. I don't see that happening anytime soon, but I long so much for it.

I feel helpless. I feel really scared too. Something's different this time. This depression isn't what it normally is. It's trying to get me.

Comments

hellonwheels's picture

Look up the song the butcher...

by the walking papers. kinda describes that feeling of the weight of the world and mistakes on your shoulders. it will end soon, you will get through it.

I know the feeling. I have suffered from manic depression and severe episodes of it since I was a young, young kid.

If you ever need to talk, shoot me an IM. You'll get through it...

hell

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

ElsaGabor's picture

Thanks man,

will do :)

Bosemaster42's picture

Hey Babe,

Don't allow 'it' to catch you. I know it's easier said than done, but I have faith in you to succeed, no pun intended, to let these self-defeating thoughts go. It's a function of the abuse you have suffered. I can only wish there was a way I or anyone else could 'make' you feel better. That has to come from within you, my friend.

ElsaGabor's picture

True,

I know that it has to come from me, and through all of my past depressions it has. But I still long for someone that I can at least confide all of my true feelings to. I have really great friends who I know I can talk to, but they're all just very busy with their own lives. I know I'll work past it, like all the others before. Its just terrible because it's just started.

poetic_star's picture

yeah

It breaks my heart that you feel this way, you know? because I understand the loneliness and fear that this depression could get worse. right now, I'm trying to keep myself occupied as much as possible and trying to stay in a neutral mind set, since being positive doesn't come easy for me, I think thinking "whatever happens" is the best I can do. I even understand the part about being mean to everyone 'cause it feels like I'm always trying to make others happy and at the end of the day I'm still alone because what I did still wasn't good enough. It doesn't make you a bad person but you deserve someone who will make you feel good without asking for anything in return :)

ElsaGabor's picture

Loneliness and Fear,

two words I know too well, you know? :/ I totally love that you got what I meant by the being mean to people. That's exactly what I do! I just people please and then expect far too much in return. I don't demand it, but I kind of expect them to understand :p