Well, I've been gone for quite a bit. Things have definitely changed in my life. Some for the better, some for the worse. I'm still clean, I haven't touched any sort of drug ( I did get drunk one Friday, but I haven't since) and I'm still smoking cigarettes.
The winter here in Texas has been relatively mild, and there's been a lack of constant overcast, which has spared me from my usual winter depression. That is up until now however.
I feel it all over. I feel a huge weight on my chest all day long, and all I want to do is scream and kick and shout the cruelest of insults at the people in my life. Every day is shit. Everyone is shit. My life is shit. For now at least.
If there's anything I've relapsed into is being a little whore. Sadly, I'm back to filling the void by blowing guys in their cars. Oops. Wish I could care, but as of right now it still gives me that temporary stimulation I need. It's stupid I know, but what am I to do?
I wish I didn't have to be like this; caught in a hellish juxtaposition of numbness and constant panic. I wish that for just a moment there would be pure, unadulterated peace in my life. I'm not even in my whole self-loathing phase anymore. I'm just over all of this. I swear when I get like this I just wanna bash my face in. It's just annoying as all fuck.
Hopefully this whole depressive phase will end soon enough. I'm so lonely right now and wish someone would hold me and make me feel just O.K. I don't see that happening anytime soon, but I long so much for it.
I feel helpless. I feel really scared too. Something's different this time. This depression isn't what it normally is. It's trying to get me.