My debacle

Spiketail34's picture

Dear Journal,

Most of us would like to think that our parents are the most trust worthy of all people and would do nothing to disrespect and or go against that. Sadly, that would sometimes mean having to live a double life to please them.

When I was in grade 9, my sister decided to run away one day and live with her boyfriend. I believed there wasn't anything wrong with that aside from the fact that she ran away as opposed to talking it over and planning it with our mother. And decided to put her boyfriend ahead of her education. I believe that an adult is rightfully entitled to a partner, freedom, and privacy but ultimately your education the solid foundation for your future. Something many can fall back on whenever situations are not favorable.

Unfortunately, after this change my mother had undergone severe PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) wherein she believes even the smallest problems are inherently tied to something that my sister had once done. Consequently, she believes I’m bound to follow in her footsteps. For this reason I've become more careful about my choices and ensure I closely watch every step I make though, naturally…I am human and so, naturally bound to make them.

This caution I approach my decision making with bleeds into many upcoming significant decisions about my individuality, such not being able to easily explain who I am to my mother, because:
A.) I may risk getting shunned and disowned.
B.) I fear my mother will blame herself as a parent, and once again
believe another child will have disappointed her.
C.) My brother will be left to suffer the consequences (if my mother has a
negative response) which will, in turn cause her to penalize my
younger brother over every small step he makes.
All of the above, and more leave me but once choice- to continue living in duality so my family can be happier and have one less thing to stress about.

From all this, I ask myself ‘Is that morally right to lie about your identity if it prevents the possible destruction/tension between family?’ When does the end justify the means? They say the road to hell (if there is possibly even an afterlife) is paved with good intentions…but when is that line crossed? When do good intentions twist into immoral or wicked ones?
Perhaps the question lies not in ‘When’, but rather in ‘How’. Maybe, I will one day be able to approach this problem with more answers than questions, but for now…my questions remain unanswered.


hellonwheels's picture

that is a really, really tough

question to answer, spike. I can totally relate that though. At some point, you need to consider your own sanity.

As my mother is so damn fond of saying, 'the tangled webs we weave, when we practice to deceive' . Pretty good advice, but I can also understand your concern. While your concern for your mother is definitely real, that mental health issue also lies with her, and your life decisions should not be hers to make.

I have lived a double life, even a triple life at times to maintain the comfort of those around me, rather than looking out for myself. Many years of lying to myself, lying to those I was close to and cared about, just so I could fit into their illusion of who they thought I should be. ]

My father was a war vet, and suffered from severe bi-polar disorder, as well as severe PTSD. He would swing into violent rages one second, and be fine the next....sink into the lulls of lifeless, black depression and swear he was going to take everyone with him, things like that....He also told me he would rather have me dead than have a gay son....

For years, I built up walls, built my lies, my fort to protect me from my irrational fears. true, he was unpredictable, but I feared he would blame my mom, kill her, blame himself,kill me then himself, go on a rampage, commit suicide, things of that nature, and it scared the hell out of me.

I would let my mind run wild w/ possibilities, and none of those scenarios were ever really likely to come true.

My advice, play it by ear for a bit, but if it comes to it, make the decsions for you, not for your mom, or your mom's blame on your brother. My shrink once told me an interesting statistic about fears and how often they come's something less than 4% of the time they actually come out as we feared.

I am not saying to rush into forcing who you are on your mom, or blatantly dropping that bomb on her, but consider your own well being and sanity as well.

otherwise, you can end up like me. Tangled in a web of lies so vast you've lost your way.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

Bosemaster42's picture

I can,

appreciate your concern for your Mother's well being. I can also identify with your dilemma. I could'nt bear telling my parents when I was younger.
I was still too confused by my own feelings at the time, and if you can't accept yourself being gay, it's that much more difficult to be honest with the family about the subject. Just don't wait too long, because your life can and will become a network of lies, which can lead to one bad choice after another.