Super Duck does something dumb, part 13094289

Super Duck's picture

Except for when I was sick, things have been decent lately. I accidentally got an award I thought I wasn't eligible for, and I found out my tentative financial aid amount from one of my top choice colleges. Some more stuff has to be processed for it to be totally finalized, but it's pretty good, even though it doesn't cover everything, of course. I'm not special enough to get a free ride, haha. Knowing that I'm probably going to get to go is the most comforting feeling in the world, though. Like, I can't even put it into words. I'm a little scared to get excited until it's finalized, but I can't help but be excited some.

Even though things are decent, they're also kinda bland. I really don't know what to say. I just feel like I should write something here, so I'm just gonna talk about some unrelated stuff, I guess.

There's this little freshman who's in all of the same activities I'm in at school. Not that there are very many activities to choose from at my school in the first place, but still. Anyway, since I'm around her so often, I've noticed something about her. I don't dislike her even though sometimes I think she's annoying, but she gives me the world's worst secondhand embarrassment. She says and does some of the exact same cringe-worthy shit I used to say and do when I was younger. For example, she says a lot of really pretentious things to try and impress us older people. I used to do that. She thinks her "nerdy" hobbies make her extra special. I used to do that. She likes bands who have shirts at Hot Topic but seems to think they're so underground. I also used to do that. She is going to be so embarrassed when she's 18.

I've been having tons of crazy dreams lately. I had a dream recently in which an assassin dressed exactly like my dad killed my dad right in front of my eyes and threatened to do the same to me if I called the police. I was terrified, so I ran away and found my friends. I tried to tell them very casually what happened, and they were like, "Oh, that sucks," so I went home. My dad was there, except he was now a zombie. But, he was a good zombie. He didn't try to eat my brains or anything. I also had a dream in which I went to this weird, fluorescent amusement park in the middle of nowhere. There was this big, pink rollercoaster, and I was scared of it, so a hot girl who was inexplicably wearing a bikini let me touch her boobs for a minute. (I liked that dream a lot better than the zombie dad one.)

So, uh, actually, I guess I do have an interesting development to post about after all. In many of my very few posts from senior year so far, I mention that I have a hot friend. Sometimes, she really confuses me. I don't know if I have a crush on her. If I do, then it's not a serious one, but I hope I don't because as someone who is preparing to move 1500 miles away from this hellhole in a matter of months, I don't exactly have time for that. And she's super straight. It's really not an exaggeration when I say that lately, she's focused on a new guy almost weekly. On Friday when she mentioned that there's another literally like 2 days after she lost interest in the previous one for being a douchebag, I was like, "Damn, already?!" but not in a mean way or anything. I was just legitimately surprised that she's had like 241942787 guys in 2013 already when last year she had like 2. She just kinda blushed and nodded. They're usually just recurring hookups, not legit boyfriends or anything.

I most certainly don't feel the same way about her as I did about FCG, for example. I mainly just like this girl's body because god, does she have a killer body, okay, but she does all this cute stuff, and I already liked her as a person because she's my friend, and when she talks about all her hookups, I feel a little jealous. Fuck, I do not have time for this shit!

I don't know. It's like, I wish I could hang out with her all the time, which is not exactly possible because she's already practically attached at the hip to someone I'm not really friends with. I don't think I'd actually ever want her to be my girlfriend, though, when I think about it. Like, of course I'd kiss her or have sex with her, but I really can't imagine, let's say, going on a romantic date with her or anything like that. It's really weird to explain. I want her all to myself all the time, like, "Yes bitches, this is MY hot cheerleader with a killer body. Everyone else go home. GRRR MINE" but except as friends. However, when I actually am alone with her, I do and say some of the most mindbogglingly stupid shit that I immediately regret, and I can't make myself stop! I don't know why I started doing this! I never used to do this! She must think I'm slowly going insane. It's the weirdest thing. And it's only when we're alone together in person. If she texts me or something, or if we're in a group, I'm totally normal and never say anything that makes me immediately want to jump off a cliff, but when I'm left alone with her, it's like I devolve into my 12-year-old self.

Here's a good example of something I did last week. The girl and I both have the same free period during the school day, and we were sitting together. There are sometimes a few other people with us, but they weren't there that time. She showed me a picture of a fluffy dog she wants, and I said, "Aww, he's really cute! He's so much cuter than my sister's dog who shits on the floor too much." And then I immediately wondered WHY the hell I said that. Cute girls don't like dog poop!

What am I even doing please make me stop. I hope I don't have a crush on her. Part of the reason senior year has sucked marginally less than all the rest is because I really like having a hot friend who can fulfill my need for eye candy without making me want to throw myself into oncoming traffic because of feelings. I can't have a crush on a straight girl right before I move 1500 miles away. Not even if she smells like flowers and is a cheerleader and likes all the best movies.


hellonwheels's picture

I think...

...Someone has been watching too many terminator and zombie movie marathons, those are some interesting dreams. Also, you definitely sound like you are falling for this girl. I mean, dumb things are often said when someone is nervous, yhou get that butterflies feeling, etc....idk, seems to me like you are falling, or at least lusting, for a bit of that eye candy to yourself.

But for your sake, I also hope w/ the upcoming move, that you are not.

there will be plenty of hot, lesbian, bi curious, or feminist discovering themselves types at whatever college you end out at.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

Bosemaster42's picture


I have to agree with Hell, discombobulation while alone with someone you like, is a sure sign of yearning for said person. I could be wrong, of course, just don't let yourself get hurt if she's not interested. She sounds busy with the boys at the moment.

Super Duck's picture

Exactly. I am like, "Silly

Exactly. I am like, "Silly brain, just wait until you move. They have girls there, probably even attainable ones," but my brain won't listen! I don't have time for this. Ugh.

I guess maybe it has to do with the fact that I am kind of lonely here because I can't date any girls ever as long as I live here, so then this cute girl is my friend and pays attention to me and that makes me like her because I am deprived of attention from cute girls? Does that make any sense to anyone else except me?

I just don't want to end up all sad over her for months and unable to ever talk to her again after graduation because she is one of the very few I'd even want to stay in occasional contact with.

Bosemaster42's picture

Oh yeah,

That makes perfect sense, considering.

Super Duck's picture

Okay, good, I was afraid it

Okay, good, I was afraid it would be one of those things that only makes sense to me, haha.