Untitled Journal Entry #2

anarchist's picture

Sometimes I think, "hey, maybe I'd like to have a family when I'm old; I hear great things about them." Then I remember that families include other people who I have to actually care about, and that's something I want to get away from, since I have so much of that right now. Nope. I want to die alone. Maybe with a romantic partner or something. Not planning on marriage, either, so that isn't a definite. (And I'm planning on killing myself before I get old. I don't want to die of natural causes, so I'm planning on one day going skydiving and not pulling the parachute.)

This brings me to the next topic. It's always been a goal of mine to have a life of my own partly for the reason of being able to find boyfriends without the hindrance of an unknowing family. However, after contemplation of that earlier this week, I noticed that the whole idea just seems even more disgusting than that of becoming a family man. I don't know what, but something about going out and slowly getting to know someone until possibly I can get close enough to them for a relationship to emerge just seems like absolute torture. Especially going to a gay club or something, which seems like a rite of passage for gays. I know that shouldn't be compared to acquiring a meaningful, memorable relationship, but that one just seems like a process that seems infinitely worse than even dating. Maybe I'll be alone my whole life, but right now, listening to Aphex Twin, that seems alright. I'll have friends, but someone who actually spends large portions of my life with me, or even living with me, may never happen.

Also, I'd still like to try some drugs. There's a guy (with really good taste in music) to whom I talk a lot in one of my classes who told a story of a time he was on acid. Something relevant may occur in the future.

Here's a really nice song; it's the one I was listening to while writing this:

I think that's all I have to write about. I don't know. Tell me how good that song is or something.


elph's picture

Rather dark… huh? Excessively so for one of your intelligence!

You're dwelling too much on what you think the life of a stereotypically gay teen must entail.

Squash those thoughts!: (1) there are no prescribed rites of passage for gays… neither "understood" or otherwise; (2) there are no specific requirements that you must meet to be certifiable!

What you should strive for is engagement in social and intellectual activities that just come naturally. Learn to enjoy the company of others... and behave in a manner that fosters in others an appreciation for who you are and the talents you bring.

Rushing headlong into a life you find unattractive would be… uh… STUPIDITY!

You set your own terms for being gay… not the imagined terms of someone else!

btw: That musical clip was quite soothing… ethereal, even! But not sufficiently appealing that I'd like to listen repeatedly. But, I'm impressed… you're getting closer and closer to my own musical biases! Someday… maybe?

But… I dearly love rhubarb… as long as it's tart and not too sweet!

anarchist's picture

Yeah, I think this is a summary of my current thoughts.

I don't want to live my life based on what I feel society is obligating me to do. I want to live in a secluded little place where I can blast music at any time I want without disturbing anybody. It would be great to play really loud music in the middle of the night. Anyway, I'm digressing. I'll follow your advice and just do what I want.

On the topic of music, I might find something you'd like. Just for reference to aid this endeavor, which of these two do you prefer?
Fennesz – Black Sea

or SleepResearch_Facility – 79°S 83°W

(Sorry, this was the only video I could find of it, and it's only the first five of 13 minutes.)

jeff's picture


If you live your life in direct opposition to society's expectations, you are still beholden to those expectations to determine how to live your life.

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

anarchist's picture

When did I say that?

I just want to live my life the way I want to.

jeff's picture


Who's stopping you?

You're the one saying society wants me to do A, but I want to do B. They say C, I say D. Just do B and D then without making it a contrarian thing.

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

elph's picture

I did listen/view...

Not really memorable music... but both are truly art!

Art... such as I might expect to find in one of the many small alcoves at the The Louisiana Museum of Modern Art:


However... the difference between you and me when it comes to something new or unfamiliar... I will at least test it upon your or someone else's recommendation! You, however, are unwilling to do even that! You make up your mind and reject it... without risking the possibility that you might actually enjoy it! Sad... right?

anarchist's picture

What are you talking about?

I've listened to everything you've linked me to.