I've been getting a lot of extra hours at work lately, which is good. Twenty-three hours this past week, nineteen of which were during the weekend. I like to gripe about it but really it's good for me. When I'm working my mind is only focused on the tasks at hand. It's a distraction. A greasy way to kill time, if you will. Plus the money is nice to have, although I don't particularly yearn for tons of cash. Good news is I can buy books and put more in my pathetically small savings account.
Brittany and I had a conversation a couple days ago. I really don't know what to make of it, so I'm not really making anything of it at all. I'll paraphrase:
"Brittany, can we talk? I don't like being left hanging like that. I just want to say that I know I didn't express myself in the right way, but don't I have a right to be frustrated? I haven't seen you since December. It's the middle of March. Shouldn't that...disappoint you? Something? Anything? You wonder what I expect from you. My answer: your time. Not a lot of it. A text message, a phone call, a lunch meeting...anything would mean a lot to me. Just something, you know? I just really believe that if you tried hard enough, you could find some inkling of time for me. I just want to have the comfort of knowing you're still around. I hope this doesn't sound needy, but I want to feel valued. I want to be a priority. Not a top one, even. Just a priority. This isn't me attacking you. I won't attack you anymore. I just want you to please try and see things from my perspective..." (Blah, blah)
"If you want my complete blunt honesty, although I have been more busy this past six months than ever before in my life, I often haven't wanted to hang out with you. Every time I would hang out with you or talk to you at the end I would just feel like shit. Guilty and useless. Friends are there to relax you, to take your mind off all the bullshit, not point out your every flaw. I know I have a problem with treating new friends like best friends the first few times we hang out to the point where they get attached...But what do you know about me? How well do you know me?"
I don't recall constantly pointing out her every flaw. I just remember mentioning here and there how we never get to talk. How is it MY fault that she feels guilt for that? And I've told her OVER AND OVER AGAIN that she could ALWAYS open up to me about ANYTHING. She's never taken me up on my offer. So it's also not my fault that I don't know her that well, according to her, even though I feel like I do know her pretty well. We haven't "hung out a few times." We've been together a lot, at least to me. And the part about treating new friends like best friends to me implies that she never thought of me as a best friend. Maybe she didn't mean it like that. I don't know. But if that's what she was implying, that really fucking hurts. It's like Amber all over the place again.
It's like all the time I spent with her wasn't even...significant to her. But that's probably just me jumping to the worst possible conclusions about other people. Probably.
My response, basically: "...I do want to know you more. I want to know what makes you Brittany. I want to know what you're afraid of, how you see things, what makes you truly happy, all the things I've shared with you. I'm guessing you've never opened up to me as I have with you because I've been so accusatory, and I'm going to prove to you that I'm not that passive-aggressive jerk, that you really can be open with me. You've been patient with me and you've also put me in my place, and believe it or not, I appreciate that..."
See what I did there? I whimped out. I conceded to being wrong, I called myself a jerk, I yielded completely. Looking back, that was dumb. I backed down and admitted to being the guilty one when we're BOTH at fault for certain things. I just didn't want to find out the cost of standing up for myself, I guess.
Her response to my response: "I want to move on from this. Just put it all past us and move on, supposing things really are going to improve. Just know that I'm not neglecting you by not hanging out with you..."
The rest of the conversation doesn't matter.
First of all, she didn't even acknowledge anything I fucking said about getting to know her on a deeper level. I mean, she said more than what I typed, but there was still no acknowledging it. I wasn't saying it like a creep, so I don't know what the fuck that's all about. And the whole "supposing things really are going to improve" implies that I'M the one who needs to do all of the improving. And how the hell does not acknowledging my existence not equal neglect?
I don't even know anymore. It's just really hit me hard that our friendship doesn't mean all that much to her, or if it does, it doesn't mean nearly as much as it does to me (did? I'm not even sure which verb tense to use). Which to be fair isn't a hard thing to accomplish, since I did kinda fall in love with her and everything.
Those feelings are dead now. Completely. She can't give me what I'm asking for (and by the way, I'd say I've done a damn good job of lowering my expectations to something realistic), she's not even close to the person I thought she was, and I'm done now. The rest is up to her. I'm just so tired of getting so attached to one person and then having it all fall to shit. I know holding that person up on a pedestal makes it easy for them to let me down, but it can't ALL be on me, can it?
This journal is really long. Sorry. I felt like I needed to record bits of our conversation and the subsequent feelings and thoughts before I deleted it from my inbox so I don't have to look at it anymore.
An interesting thing to note is that usually when I write these journals I feel better, but writing this one just made me feel like total shit. I just really don't wanna think about this whole thing anymore.