Right so you've all forgotten me, a posted a few lameties about a year ago then got confused changed my mind and vowed never to do so again. However, I am now confused and have changed my mind again. Life, eh?
So there's this girl... "I've heard this one before" you say. Yes, you have, but I have no one to turn to again so you'll just have to put up with it.
To summarise my current feelings, I'm probably bisexual, but I only want to end up with a guy. For various reasons including kids, marriage, convenience blah blah blah heard it all before.
However, I met this girl. Let's call her Jane. We met about 5 months ago and have become best mates. She's beautiful, obvs. Like really. Keira Knightley-esque. No joke. I guess I always fancied her, but pretended not to. As I'm not really up for dating a girl because of complications it presents...
So it begun Monday 25th of February. At a party (doesn't it always). I was drunk and we were spooning in bed, but there was also another girl in the bed (Crazy party, right?). Anyway, it's a bit unclear, but we ended up kissing, but despite my best efforts, there was no tongue. I was unsure how to read this because she kissed me (yay!) but she wouldn't let my tongue in... Confusing. Nothing was spoken of this until...
Saturday 2nd March. At a party again. We were sleeping on a mattress on the floor, with two sofas either side with people sleeping on. Spooning again lead to kissing, and this time the tongue was allowed! But it got quite intense and I had to stop for fear of being found and probably other fears as well... Again I was very drunk. Again, we both acted as though nothing had happened until...
Tuesday 5th March. This time there is no alcohol involved, and we are alone at my house. The lack of alcohol made things a whole lot more difficult to get going,
but eventually we were making out again. Being alone it was much more fun, but being very confused about both my feelings and hers, I had to stop for a chat (I know, I'm an idiot). I've never been much good at the whole, "let's have a talk" thing, and it was quite awkward. She didn't say much either and all I really learnt from it was that she is very confused. I also developed a lot of guilt for some reason. I'm not entirely sure why, but I think I just blame myself for bringing these issues into her life, because I know how much it can suck. I think it's because she said, "I never thought this would happen to me", which made me think it was not something she had thought about before, and was therefore something I had brought about. Anyway, we resolved to give things a break, but not let things be awkward. Things were dandy until...
Friday 8th March. She's at my house again, no alcohol. The whole giving things a break thing isn't going so well, because we made out again. This time she pulled away. I say, "You alright?"
"Wanna talk about it?"
"Do you want me to leave?"
This left me very confused. I eventually talked at her anyway, and I told her that I just needed to know what the situation was, and what she was feeling. I didn't really get much response other than, "I'm a bit confused... I don't know what to say." So I said, "I would say that we should leave it, because I think you probably want the time and space to sort your head out, but I don't want to. So it's up to you really." She agreed that she didn't want to stop, and, long story short, we decided that we were both happy with the situation as it was. I then asked why she had just metaphorically run away from me then, and she said that she just got confused, kissed me, and I stopped caring :D
Still neither of us has mentioned any of these occasions whilst standing on two feet, but since friday we havn't been pretending it hasn't happened. We havn't spoken of it, but there is a kind of acknowledgement that there is something going on between us.... Somehow. I think it's just that we're basically going out, but neither of us wants to admit it or make it official.
So, in conclusion, I'm in love. But I can't work out how happy I am about it. I'm never happier than when I'm with her, but when we're apart, it's like she's ripped a part of me out and carries it around with her, and I'm only complete when we're together. We're both going to be at a party on Saturday...
Wow that was gay. Literally.
Congratulations if you read all that, you deserve a medal.