I dont know what I am

psychonought's picture

hey can some people help me out? Ive been under alot of distress recently about who I am. I dont know if Im gay of Bi, or even straight. My sexuality feels like its changing. Like about two weeks ago I was constantly thinking about women. I was thinking about how beautiful they were. I loved everything about them. In fact during a festival that weekend I was over my friends house, and he has this foreign exchange student from saudi arabia and shes very pretty. She usually ignores me but this time she was talking to me, she made me some kind of tea. I was showing her songs on the guitar and teaching her how to play. So she showed me a song on her phone, and I was litsening and notced her breasts, which was one of the first times i ever had the urge to suck on her breasts. Im not sure if this is appropriate for this site but I dont know how else to describe the events.

Well we were watching a movie and she fell asleep on my lap and I had an erection like crazy. I really liked her and shes really nice. I never had a girl like me before. They usually like my friend. The day previously I was trying to accpet that I may be gay or at least have a gay side. Well two things happened with women that weekend. I unfortunately didnt get lucky :p. Well I drank only a little bit, I wasnt drunk at alll, maybe a little buzzed but barely could feel it. It kind of made relax. Im usually always nervous around women. Well then there was another thing that night with my other friends mom. She sorta wild. She grinded with me or something on my penis and I got an erection. I would never have sex with my friends mom but I kept thinking about it. When she grinded on me it felt so good. So you think Im straight right?! or Bi?! well right now I have no interest in women. The only men I ever get sexual urges for are close friends. I never ever act on them. They dont know about my confusion with my sexuality. When ever I watch porn I just fantasize about an unknown guy. and the thing is I experiment with anal and I kinda like it. and I fantasize about giving oral. So now Im gay right? or bi?
Well now heres how my love interest goes. Ive never been in a relationship with anyone before or had sex. When I watch porn I usually fatasize about the girls. Especially being a girl so I could make out with another girl and have that girl bang me. and heres another that I always think about, being a girl and being with a man. and giving oral and being submitted. I only sometimes fatasize about being a man with a woman.

I think I may love my bestfriend, but I dont know yet. We are writing a movie together. In the 8th grade I had a crush on a girl I really liked. then
in the 11th grade I had a crush on a girl but just didnt know what to do. I thought she wouldnt like me or would think I was ugly.

Im just really confused. I hate how my sexual interests in women are so on and off. some times its like that with guys where im like eww. but with women i never go eww. Im just really confused.

If I ever came out as Bi or gay or straight, I would never fit into a community. Im constantly afraid that Im gonna be gay which my family would never support. I dont know who I am anymore. Im afraid of being femminine. Im not femmine but Im not that masculine either. I just sound like a kid. Only when I get very pissed or serious about somethng do you hear the "man in me". I love being a man. I think about my sexuality to much to the point where it gets me depressed. why cant i be normal. I dont really fit in with any communities.

Comments

hellonwheels's picture

Well....Let me first start by saying.

Welcome to Oasis. Hopefully you find something you are looking for here. I did not read your bio before I read this, so I am going to assume that you are a man?

As far as the sexuality thing, how old are you? I know personally in my teens, I was all sorts of mixed up sexually. I was always around men, doing manly things, and therefore, had to act straight, yet I had no attraction to chicks.

In my head, I would look at and analyze hot women's asses, racks, etc. and that was my way of trying to be straight, even though I was pretty sure I was gay Occasionally, there would be a woman or two who would turn me on, but mostly just guys.

If you are interested in it, look into the kinsey scale and some gender and sexuality classes in college(suggested by the drinking reference)

and see if anything there helps you out.
Hope that helped a bit, and if ya ever need to ask a question or want a more one on one conversation, message me.

hell

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

psychonought's picture

can youu message me man, ive

can youu message me man, ive never had anyone to talk to about this.

hellonwheels's picture

Just replied to your PM.

Sorry, I was cooking dinner. Had to step away for a few.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

jeff's picture

Well...

Intensely pressuring yourself to figure this stuff out isn't really going to be helpful.

Also, when linked to thoughts and emotions, penises can be good barometers of where your interests are. If you want to be straight, but only guys get you hard to think about, that's VERY different from someone was grinding on my penis and it got hard. Because, well, pretty much anything grinding on your penis will get it hard. That's kind of how they work.

I guess I'm unclear why there is some urgent pressure to know? You seem to talk most about girls, but I'm not sure if that is because you are trying to shore up support for us to say you are straight. There isn't as much about guys except a crush.

From the scant male evidence presented so far, maybe bi? But, of course, there still is a lack of talking points on the guy side of the fence, and why you were thinking gay until a girl with breasts appeared.

So, instead of labeling your sexuality, just calm down, and honestly assess things. Is thinking sex with guys is eww because that is what you were raised to believe, or what you truly feel? Why label something before you explore it? If your male friend were to tell you he was gay and had a crush on you, how would that make you feel?

So, you're not going to do yourself any favors trying to hurry up and figure this out. Just settle into things and figure it out. Or, just live your life and, if you find a guy attractive and he's openly gay/bi, ask him out, and if you meet a girl, ask her out, etc., and at some point, look back, tally them up, and see if you ended up with more girls, dudes, or a pretty even mix.

I'm also not sure why you picture being a girl in sex. Most guys are too into their penises to even give them up in fantasy. ;-)

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Bosemaster42's picture

Sounds like,

you're still trying to figure things out with regard to what really turns you on. It appears that girls turn you on to some degree, but you don't really explain your attraction to guys or your guy friends. Is is just as strong when you see a guy/friend with his shirt off perhaps?
All I can tell you is how my attraction works. I look at guys the way guys look at girls. I notice beauty regardless of gender, however, girls simply don't 'Rock my boat' if you will. The fact you've experimented with anal doesn't necessarily make you gay either. I know of several straight guys who also like anal stimulation, but they like it performed by girls.
Anyway, you shouldn't feel pressured into trying to figure this out immediately, take your time and see what develops. Welcome to Oasis, by the way.

Riley-X's picture

Just relax!

I've been through this too, one day liking girls the next day thinking they're totally gross. The once constant is being always interested in boys.

I don't think many of us are 100% gay, and having a girl interested in you can be a good thing. Look at Sam2000's journals about having a girlfriend as a cover.

Riley

MacAvity's picture

Hey

Calm down and don't worry about it so much, hmm? Sounds like for now you're bi, but might not stay that way forever. Get used to the idea - that's really what's important. And whatever you turn out to be, you can find a community where you can fit in. Whatever. Go with what feels right.