I'm totally aware of the fact that my recent journals have grown repetitive. I just need to write whatever comes to me whenever it comes to me even if it covers the same subject over and over again because it makes my thoughts more logical and organized. For awhile, at least.
I'm assuming most of you have Facebook, Twitter, some form of social networking. You know how really obnoxious people post those passive-aggressive statuses/tweets a lot? The statuses/tweets that use the pronoun "you" and call someone out without naming names for the sake of 1) gaining attention and 2) pointing fingers without face-to-face confrontation.
Yeah, well, I did that. I became one of those obnoxious people, just once. I tweeted this: "And you're the biggest letdown of all, since I actually thought you were different from everyone else."
I'm sure you can guess who that was about. Hint: It's Brittany. I don't know why I posted it. It was childish and petty and immature and other adjectives that are generally used to describe the acts of annoying people. I just had one of those moments where I was really angry at her for...I don't know. Something. Not having enough time for me, not being able to nurture me or give me the constant attention I crave. The difference is this time I acted on it.
And y'know, people post that kind of shit all the time. And they get away with it. But I post something of a passive-aggressive nature once, and I instantly get caught for it. Brittany figured out it was about her, and when I left work I had the pleasure of finding a 20-page text message from her. Twenty. Pages. Because calling me or emailing me or meeting me someplace to talk is too inconvenient, I'm sure.
The gist of this record-breaking text was that she didn't appreciate it, she doesn't know what I expect from her, and here's the kicker: she was going to FINALLY set up a date to FINALLY exchange Christmas gifts (CHRISTMAS gifts, for fuck's sake), but when she saw that tweet she was so irritated that she didn't. Fantastic.
I apologized profusely, of course. I deleted the tweet, the one tweet that may have cost me a friendship that was once the greatest friendship I've ever had. She said she forgave me, but then said she needed "time to neutralize, I think." I asked her what that meant but she never replied. So now, as usual, I am left guessing and formulating and feeling paranoid.
The sickest part of it is that when she told me it hurt her, I was somewhat glad. I was glad it hurt her, because that meant my words mattered to her, at least to some extent. What's even sicker is that I hoped she cried. I hope she cried over me, because that means she cares. I hope it really upset her.
Aren't I great?
I understand her being angry with me. But I feel entitled to my own anger, too. I feel like I have a right to feel abandoned and hurt because I feel like if she tried hard enough, she would find time for me. Time to talk to me, time to fucking text me, at least. But nobody has time for me. Nobody. Nobody I've ever connected to has ever had time for me.
And I know this seems like I kinda put myself in the center of their world, constantly crave their attention, and I do. I want them to value me, I want her to value me. I want her to make time for me and I want her to care for me and I want her to put me before other people.
So to answer her question as to what I'm expecting from her.
Time. That's all I expect.
I was gonna write more, but this journal is too long already. Time to go read the incredible novel Brave New World and sleep my feelings away.