I really do not want to be gay!!!

Mike07's picture

So im 14 years old im a boy and i think i am a bisexual.I have more non sexual feelings for women and more sexual feelings for men. For example i would love nothing more than a big house and a wife and kids!But then i have these fantasies about men.ive never actually been in a relationship with a man because to be honest the thought knocks me sick but ive had a few relationships with girls but nothing serious at all. Im a bright lad and i have lots of friends and my family are great but i feel like i have this dirty secret that i have to hide or everyone i know and love will hate me!:( I dont want these feelings i feel so disgusting when i think about men sexually or watch gay porn. i sometimes just cry to my self because i think im some freak and i have nothing against gays but i most certainly dont want to be one. i know that most people say its better to accept your sexuality but honestly its the last thing id ever want to do. ivevread other articles like this yet i feel so alone and like im the only one facing this so if there is others like me out their id live to know your opinions :)! Does sexual therapy work because i would do anything to get rid of this unforgiving curse!! Thank you for reading if anyone has any advice or help it will be much appreciated.

Comments

MaddieJoy's picture

Welcome!

First of all, calm down. You're young. You have time to deal with this and no serious decisions need to be made as of yet.
Secondly, "For example i would love nothing more than a big house and a wife and kids!" This doesn't necessarily mean you like women. It means that you want to have the traditional dream life, which is perfectly normal. I still wish I could have a husband and kids and a white picket fence but I've come to peace with the fact that it doesn't have to be like that. In this day and age, you can have a same-sex partner and kids and a white picket fence almost as easily!
Third, therapy does NOT work. In fact, it's been known to make things decidedly worse. Many people kill themselves after going to therapy because it tends to make you feel guilty about yourself and brainwash you rather than actually changing your sexuality.
The first thing you need to do to get on track is to STOP THINKING OF IT AS A CURSE!!!! It is NOT a curse. You just love people differently than the majority of the world. You're special, not cursed. Remember that.
Next, keep coming to this site. You should also branch out, if you're comfortable. Try to find a local Queer- or Gay-Straight Alliance (there may be one at your school). Those guys can always help you out, as most of them have gone through what you're experiencing.
In the end, though, it's up to you. You have to decide to stop crying. You have to decide not to let it bother you. You have to decide to stop feeling disgusting. It's a process and it may take a lifetime, but you'll never really be happy unless you can accept yourself.
PM me if you want to talk!
--MJ

Mike07's picture

Thank you so much for

Thank you so much for commenting! I appreciate what your saying but the thought of being openly bisexual and honest is so new and scary its something that i dont think im ready to do :( My community doesnt support gay relationships or things like that so there isnt really anywhere i can go :/ I will keep returning to this site and i will deffinately talk on PM later Thank you!:)

jeff's picture

Well...

Welcome to Oasis!

First, you didn't choose to be gay... you were chosen.

Beyond that, though, everything you're feeling is normal, since you were brought up being told this is what your future would be, so yeah, when you start feeling that not being true, the alternative does seem to be less appealing.

Ultimately, there is only one choice: accept yourself. The more time you spend in conflict and torment is not going to do anything but delay your happiness.

Unless your family is extremely religious, the odds of them being anti-gay to the point where they wouldn't stay in your life is unlikely. And a lot of religious people become rather accepting when someone in their life becomes gay, and it stop being some weird "other" that they never encounter.

As for therapy, it doesn't work. There are Christian camps where you can try to pray away the gay, and in fact, the founders of the leading ex-gay ministry eventually left the group and became a couple.

So, sorry to say, but your option is acceptance or denial. Both can be lifelong paths. Only one is worth pursuing.

It's unlikely you'll find anyone on this site who couldn't wait to be gay and welcomed it like a beautiful gift. It is magical how a burden can become a blessing, if you let it.

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Mike07's picture

Thank you for taking the

Thank you for taking the time to comment :)! I understand what your saying and i agree that i should just accept myself but i really dont want to i used to just think its a stage but ive felt this way for a long time and the thought of being open about it all is sooo scary! Most likely it will take me a lifetime to accept myself. Thank you for the help its much appreciated! :')

jeff's picture

Well...

Ultimately, you just have to ask yourself why you want to spend more time fighting for a fantasy than accepting reality. It's mainly going to be wasted time that would be better served coming to terms with yourself, making supportive friends (Oasis is a good start on that path), and eventually falling in love, etc.

What is the barrier? Religion?

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Mike07's picture

My dad is homophobic and my

My dad is homophobic and my mum is a catholic but i think its more how they were brought up and i was brought up to believe that being gay is immoral or not normal so thats probably why i have this guilt but ultimately i just want to be someone im not which like you said theres no point chasing a fantasy. I dont know where to start finding myself though? I just wish there was a way of overcoming this and life would be so much more simple :(

elph's picture

Hi Michael!

And let me also welcome you.

You've already seen a couple of quite good responses... both expressing considerable empathy for you and your current quandary.

At 14 it's not at all unusual for one to be uncertain; my advice is the same as already given (above): try your best to just "go with the flow!"

And be a "normal" 14-year-old teen boy: Make friends without regards to their sex --- both boys and girls!

btw: Do you have some tangible evidence (maybe physical?) that gives you reason to suspect that you could be gay, or at least bisexual? If so... even "that" (for a 14-year-old) could be considered "normal"... and healthy if treated personally without guilt!

I suspect that all will be resolved in time. Whatever the outcome, don't fret! :)

Mike07's picture

Firstly thank you for

Firstly thank you for commenting! My evidence if you will or when i first "knew" was a close friend of mine name bradley who to this day i really do have an embarrassing attraction to. We were like bestfriends always together and i just grew these real uncontrolable feelings for him but and i was scared he might suspect something so i stopped talking as much till eventually we stopped talking all together :( But my major concern is being accepted :/ I do have a wide variety of friends in fact my two bestfriends are a boy and a girl but even they would be freaked out about my sexuality. Arghhh im so confused haha

elph's picture

You've stopped talking with Bradley?

Why, oh why? All because you think he'll suspect that he's more than just a friend?

That's tragic! And he's OK with losing you as a close friend?

Mike07's picture

well this was a good 6

well this was a good 6 months ago but yeah we still see each other but when we do its kind of awkward :/ I doubt hes bothered to be honest :)

Bosemaster42's picture

Welcome Mikey,

You're not alone. I was in a similiar quandry at your age. The fear of coming out kept me closeted through high school and beyond that as well.
It took a couple of years for me to come to terms with my own desires and finally allow myself to be honest about it. But, that's me and I had a great deal of Catholic guilt that needed shedding.
You are still young and there's certainly no rush to establish who you are just yet. Let your friendships evolve, yourself included, because you are still changing. Take your time and observe everything.

Mike07's picture

Thank you so much its good

Thank you so much its good to know youre not the only one whos having these problems. Do you think that i can overcome or fight the feelings? Or am i wasting my time. I really dont want to accept my sexuality i just cant see my future being with a man it really freaks me out :/

Bosemaster42's picture

Umm,

No, I tried fighting my feelings all through high school. It's only bound to frustrate you even further. Finding or having a friend who's close enough so you can share your feelings with would be a good first step. I had the same problem you had with your friend. I would get close to a male friend and lose my nerve to make a move. Ultimately, I didn't hurt or annoy anyone other than myself. I always seemed to be attracted to the straight guys, at least as far as I knew.

Mike07's picture

Thats exactly how i feel! :/

Thats exactly how i feel! :/ Except I really dont feel ready to tell anyone right now. I wouldnt know who to tell or how to tell them to be honest :s

jeff's picture

Well...

Coming out isn't the first step, accepting yourself and getting comfortable with things comes first. You want to tell people with a sense of strength and clarity, not confusion.

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Bosemaster42's picture

It takes time,

You don't become close friends overnight and you shouldn't feel pressured to come out just yet. You still need to figure out and accept yourself first.
Like Jeff and others have stated already, you need to be comfortable with who you are, then as you develop relationships with friends, you can tell the ones you're most comfortable with. There's no hurry.

Mike07's picture

Yeah it deffinately feels

Yeah it deffinately feels better having atleast a few people knowing. Ill keep trying to accept myself as hard as it seems it cant be impossible :)!

Potter's picture

Sounds familiar.

I've been there man... My advice is probably the same as all these peoples, but you're young, you got time, don't rush anything, and don't obsess over it. Just let time sort it out, and accept whatever you are!

we must choose between what is right and what is easy. - J. K. Rowling