Well, things are not so bland anymore at all. Wow. And yes, this is related to The Girl, but it's bad for me. There has been a new... development, so to speak. It won't get out of my head. I learned a hard lesson this week, friends: IGNORANCE IS BLISS!
This post is long and kinda weird, just so you know. I'll be impressed if you read it all. I needed to write it out because I think I will go insane if I don't. I kind of feel like I will anyway, which is terrible because I only have 2 and a half more months of school left! I can't go insane now. I'm almost home-free, almost to somewhere normal, but it's like the universe can't let me out of here I without one last really stupid obstacle.
So, I've mentioned her new guy. At first, she made him sound super awesome, which made me mad, but now he doesn't sound all that awesome anymore, which also makes me mad. He goes to college a couple hours away at the school she's going to go to in the fall, and she's only actually seen him in person two or three times. But, she's so obsessed. I even said to her once, "Wow, you sure do kinda talk about him a lot, don't you think?" and she sighed blissfully and said, "Yeah, I know." She gets this dreamy, far-away look in her eyes whenever someone asks about him. I can't decide whether it's cute or maddening.
She's mentioned a few times that she's invited him to come see her since he has family in this town, but he says dumb stuff like he wants to watch a baseball game instead. (A baseball game instead of a hot girl? Really?) Anyway, he told her last week that he was going to come see her on the weekend. She was SO excited. But, come Monday, she said that none of that happened. She got all dressed up and ready for him to show up and then he told her at the last second that he decided he wasn't going to come to visit!
Well, here's the thing. Earlier this week, some others and I were "treated" to a graphic spiel about, uh... You know what, I'm just gonna be totally blunt. It was about how much she loves blowing him. I really wish I was kidding when I say I had to hear it all in vivid detail. That, combined with the fact that organic chemistry (dun dun dunnnn) has returned in the form of physical science class, pretty much ruined the entire rest of my week. I mean, of course I knew stuff like that was bound to happen. But, I just didn't want to KNOW, you know?
I wonder if he even bothered to return the favor.
But, she's my friend... She's someone I really care about first and foremost and a hot girl second, and that's why I'm really mad because I have a sneaking suspicion that he could potentially be, well, kind of an asshole.
He never makes an effort to come see The Girl when she invites him. He cancels on her every time. She's always the one who has to go see him, and I think that's super shitty. Why would he not come see her? I mean, obviously he is getting something out of it! Why would he WANT to go all that time without seeing an attractive girl who wants to... make it worth his while, so to speak? (I mean, if she called me and wanted me to come over and do... stuff... I would be there faster than the speed of light.) Pretty much no one else at her house is ever there, so it's not like lack of privacy (eughhh) would be an issue if he visited her. This guy just doesn't want to come see her. I highly doubt he really watched a baseball game all weekend. It just sounds a bit suspicious to me.
Also, make of this what you will... She announced that this weekend, he's going to teach her how to cook some kind of thing. That sounds nice, but upon further explanation, it was revealed that this is actually happening because she can't cook and this annoys him because he thinks that, in this exact phrase, she needs to get in her "place as a woman." Oh.
I normally don't even care if people tell me about their sexual conquests. This happens way more often than you'd probably think. I mean, almost everybody's getting laid except me, so whatever. I'm so used to that. But, it made me so angry to hear the story from her. I mean, I can't really help it. Hearing a girl you're really attracted to tell you in detail how much she loves blowing her boyfriend tends to evoke a very unpleasant visceral reaction. (I'm also pretty sure that having to hear such a speech from such a girl is some form of medieval torture tactic.)
...I can't get the images of what she told me out of my head, though. Much like any recurring, unpleasant thought I occasionally have, the thoughts get progressively more detailed and annoying each time. I don't want to think about it, but everything reminds me of it, and it sickens me deeply. I've always had a very active, very vivid imagination. I was starting to finally go back to normal, but yesterday after she announced that she was leaving school early to go see him, the thoughts returned.
I had the hardest time going to sleep last night. It must have been after 3 before I managed to. It's so hard to sleep knowing there's a huge possibility that at the very moment I'm about to drift off, he's fucking her! I don't want to think about it, but after she put the images in my head, it's like I'm compelled to, and it tortures me.
Why? I mean, I know why my brain won't shut up; it never does, no matter what, whether the thoughts are good or bad. But, I mean, why do I have to get attracted to straight girls all the time, especially ones with boyfriends? I'm scared that if I say that I really do like The Girl, all hell will break loose somehow, so I'm trying not to say anything too definite. It's March of senior year. Super Duck, you are so dumb. I don't mean to do this to myself, but it just happens somehow, all the time, and I'm scared it's going to keep happening forever. I was doing so well this year...