I really wish I would just stop.

Super Duck's picture

Well, things are not so bland anymore at all. Wow. And yes, this is related to The Girl, but it's bad for me. There has been a new... development, so to speak. It won't get out of my head. I learned a hard lesson this week, friends: IGNORANCE IS BLISS!

This post is long and kinda weird, just so you know. I'll be impressed if you read it all. I needed to write it out because I think I will go insane if I don't. I kind of feel like I will anyway, which is terrible because I only have 2 and a half more months of school left! I can't go insane now. I'm almost home-free, almost to somewhere normal, but it's like the universe can't let me out of here I without one last really stupid obstacle.

So, I've mentioned her new guy. At first, she made him sound super awesome, which made me mad, but now he doesn't sound all that awesome anymore, which also makes me mad. He goes to college a couple hours away at the school she's going to go to in the fall, and she's only actually seen him in person two or three times. But, she's so obsessed. I even said to her once, "Wow, you sure do kinda talk about him a lot, don't you think?" and she sighed blissfully and said, "Yeah, I know." She gets this dreamy, far-away look in her eyes whenever someone asks about him. I can't decide whether it's cute or maddening.

She's mentioned a few times that she's invited him to come see her since he has family in this town, but he says dumb stuff like he wants to watch a baseball game instead. (A baseball game instead of a hot girl? Really?) Anyway, he told her last week that he was going to come see her on the weekend. She was SO excited. But, come Monday, she said that none of that happened. She got all dressed up and ready for him to show up and then he told her at the last second that he decided he wasn't going to come to visit!

Well, here's the thing. Earlier this week, some others and I were "treated" to a graphic spiel about, uh... You know what, I'm just gonna be totally blunt. It was about how much she loves blowing him. I really wish I was kidding when I say I had to hear it all in vivid detail. That, combined with the fact that organic chemistry (dun dun dunnnn) has returned in the form of physical science class, pretty much ruined the entire rest of my week. I mean, of course I knew stuff like that was bound to happen. But, I just didn't want to KNOW, you know? I wonder if he even bothered to return the favor.

But, she's my friend... She's someone I really care about first and foremost and a hot girl second, and that's why I'm really mad because I have a sneaking suspicion that he could potentially be, well, kind of an asshole.

He never makes an effort to come see The Girl when she invites him. He cancels on her every time. She's always the one who has to go see him, and I think that's super shitty. Why would he not come see her? I mean, obviously he is getting something out of it! Why would he WANT to go all that time without seeing an attractive girl who wants to... make it worth his while, so to speak? (I mean, if she called me and wanted me to come over and do... stuff... I would be there faster than the speed of light.) Pretty much no one else at her house is ever there, so it's not like lack of privacy (eughhh) would be an issue if he visited her. This guy just doesn't want to come see her. I highly doubt he really watched a baseball game all weekend. It just sounds a bit suspicious to me.

Also, make of this what you will... She announced that this weekend, he's going to teach her how to cook some kind of thing. That sounds nice, but upon further explanation, it was revealed that this is actually happening because she can't cook and this annoys him because he thinks that, in this exact phrase, she needs to get in her "place as a woman." Oh.

I normally don't even care if people tell me about their sexual conquests. This happens way more often than you'd probably think. I mean, almost everybody's getting laid except me, so whatever. I'm so used to that. But, it made me so angry to hear the story from her. I mean, I can't really help it. Hearing a girl you're really attracted to tell you in detail how much she loves blowing her boyfriend tends to evoke a very unpleasant visceral reaction. (I'm also pretty sure that having to hear such a speech from such a girl is some form of medieval torture tactic.)

...I can't get the images of what she told me out of my head, though. Much like any recurring, unpleasant thought I occasionally have, the thoughts get progressively more detailed and annoying each time. I don't want to think about it, but everything reminds me of it, and it sickens me deeply. I've always had a very active, very vivid imagination. I was starting to finally go back to normal, but yesterday after she announced that she was leaving school early to go see him, the thoughts returned.

I had the hardest time going to sleep last night. It must have been after 3 before I managed to. It's so hard to sleep knowing there's a huge possibility that at the very moment I'm about to drift off, he's fucking her! I don't want to think about it, but after she put the images in my head, it's like I'm compelled to, and it tortures me.

Why? I mean, I know why my brain won't shut up; it never does, no matter what, whether the thoughts are good or bad. But, I mean, why do I have to get attracted to straight girls all the time, especially ones with boyfriends? I'm scared that if I say that I really do like The Girl, all hell will break loose somehow, so I'm trying not to say anything too definite. It's March of senior year. Super Duck, you are so dumb. I don't mean to do this to myself, but it just happens somehow, all the time, and I'm scared it's going to keep happening forever. I was doing so well this year...

Comments

hellonwheels's picture

I think you just need...

a membership to suicide girls.com and maybe some internet Hot lesbian porn....Images lke that do NOT need to be stuck in the ducks head, specially in the last few weeks. JUst tell her to avoid...details. I learned WAYyyyy too much about a friend's sexual exploits with guys and random grindr hookups the other night...way TMI.

and yes, I read the whole thing. Hell.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

Super Duck's picture

Nothing works. I've tried

Nothing works. I've tried everything. I'm basically scarred for life here! And the worst part of all is knowing that it could be happening again right now, right as I'm typing this. I don't know if she's going to share any more information, though, because I think I and one of our other friends made it pretty clear that we don't ever want to hear about her swallowing his man juice ever again. Yeah, she felt it necessary to tell us that part too...

These kinds of stories usually never even bother me. I'm just like, oh, okay. Even when my best friend, a gay dude, tells me about his "adventures." But, it just makes me so mad because it's her!

MaddieJoy's picture

I read it

and I sympathise! even just knowing someone you like is with someone else is hard, but this sounds horrific...

The ducks will get you!

Super Duck's picture

I know! I've liked plenty of

I know! I've liked plenty of girls who had boyfriends at the time, and it was terrible. (I almost wrote that it sucked, but, uhhh... no...) But, this? This is downright torture!

jeff's picture

Hehe...

Pretty bad when you have to call out the person you're obsessed with for being obsessed... ;-)

As for her and this guy? It's sort of something you need to shut down, because it ultimately doesn't have any bearing on you. Whether he should see her, how he should treat her, etc., is all completely untrue, because reality isn't happening that way and she's still with him.

Plus, when it comes to the college guy dating the high school girl, I think there is something to her going to him. If she goes there, they are somewhat a couple. If he goes there, she's still living at home, and all this other baggage. So, why bother? Plus, he would also have pretend to visit family. It's a lot of extra nonsense to seeing her that doesn't exist when things are reversed. Makes sense to me.

It sounds like her reality is sort of derailing your fantasy, which is ultimately a good thing.

If your friend is in love, happy, and getting laid... and that makes you miserable, are you really friends?! I've been there, and you can work through it, but the party that needs to do a lot of the work here is you.

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Super Duck's picture

I guess I can see that, but

I guess I can see that, but since she keeps inviting him, shouldn't he tell her that instead of letting her think for days that he's going to come visit and then cancelling at the very last second every time? I just think that's kind of rude. (I don't know why she brought up the pretending to visit family thing. She lives with only her dad, who goes out of town almost every weekend, so no one would even know if he stayed with her.)

I've known they were together for maybe a month now, and it used to not bother me so much. It didn't bother me knowing about the guy before him either, the one she was with for like a week. When she was just saying that she went over to their houses and hooked up with them, it was annoying but not such a big deal, but now that she's used explicit detail to tell me exactly what they did, it's driving me insane.

I can't help that it makes me miserable... I didn't ask to become very attracted to her. In fact, this is the exact opposite of what I wanted! I just can't help but wallow in self-pity because I always get attracted to straight girls. Always. Every time. And I'm scared that it's never going to change, ever, not even after September when I live somewhere where it's okay for me to date.

MaddieJoy's picture

the problem

is that about 90% of girl are straight. It's kind of a curse on all of us, you know? You just have to find the communities that are made up of the other 10%, and eventually you'll find someone. Or at least, I'm hoping that's how it works...

The ducks will get you!

Super Duck's picture

Yeah, and it's daunting to

Yeah, and it's daunting to think about. Especially when you consider that just because someone else is gay doesn't automatically mean that you will like them or that they will like you, and it's impossible to meet all the women in the world anyway, and just gahhh.

elph's picture

I fully understand your emotions... oh, so well!

And... I'm terribly impressed with the eloquence you've displayed in expressing them!

You will surely find that this skill will be a positive asset once you commence university studies!

Super Duck's picture

Thank you!

Thank you!

jeff's picture

Well...

You can reduce the burden by only playing your role in the relationship, and not wondering why he isn't doing something, and why he tells her that if he doesn't mean it, etc., because for all you know, he says something non-commital, and she turns it into "he's coming this weekend."

You're just assuming what she says is the truth, but there's no real way to know what is going on.

In any event, mentally playing out their relationship in your head isn't going to help you or them. It can only up your misery levels needlessly.

And there are JUST as many people who work themselves up needlessly playing both parts of their lesbian relationships, so this can be something to stay aware of, since it seemingly always leads to frustration.

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Super Duck's picture

True, but it made me mad

True, but it made me mad because she said that when he cancels on her like that, it makes her cry.

Sadly, I know that. But, I can't make my brain stop, for some reason. I typically do get a lot of unwanted thoughts anyway, but I'm never very good at dealing with them.