Apologies for the speedy consecutive posts, but I haven't posted in a very long time, and there are things in my head.
Seeing as I'm getting with this girl, and having much more fun than I ever have with a guy (although I've been with a grand total of two guys so thats not necessarily saying much) I'm definitely a little bit on the gay side of life. However, the trouble I have is that all the lesbians one notices out and about are fat, butch, and ugly, with loads of unpleasant piercings, and you may have guessed that's not my type. I know I've just displayed astonishing ignorance, and that there are some pretty ones about (like me!... Okay...) but you just don't notice them because they don't look like lesbians. It's kind of a catch-22. The problem it creates in my mind is that I worry if I declare my gayness to the world, I'll end up having to date butch, and slightly terrifying, girls.
The conclusion that I think I've come to at the moment, and will probably have changed my mind by tomorrow, is that I'm just going to take each person as they come. So this girl I'm with, who is super, I'm gonna go for it, because I love her. But should I call it an unexclusive relationship, because if a guy came along that I liked then I would go for him? I don't know, I don't think she would be entirely opposed to that idea, because I think she has similar troubles with this whole thing. Trouble is, I've been dealing with this for a few years now, apparently she's had it for a few weeks. Also I think that I would need exclusivity. Just because I'm a little bit protective and jealous... Only a little bit. I'm not gonna start punching people that look at her for too long but... You know. Also if she left me for a guy... That would suck. No I can't do that.
We can't really have a full blown relationship either though, because there are just too many complications. We can't tell anybody, so it has to be kept secret, which is a pain in the arse. It would most likely be a very unhealthy relationship, partly due to the secrecy, but also because neither of us is really sure what we want, and it's just a bit confusing. To be honest I'm not sure much would actually change if we started 'going out'. Except the mind set maybe. Maybe I'd be happier... More sure of myself. It would just be so annoying though because we have to pretend that there's nothing going on. I hate that.
The trouble is I've always had immense difficulty expressing my feelings, and prefer to keep everything hidden, I don't like people knowing what I'm thinking. But then this girl always seems to know what I'm thinking. And I love her. Confusing...