As the title suggests. I am so very happy. I'm in love you see. The rest of this post will probably give the impression that I am immensely depressed. But these are all tiny insignificant problems really when compared to the insane head-over-heels happiness that I am feeling. Just little niggles I need to get out of my head really. Because by the end of the upcoming school week pretending that there is nothing going on between me and Jane they will be bothering me more, but I think it's best to write about it now while I'm feeling optimistic. I'm waffling...
I suppose I might have expected it, but our friends are noticing something going on. They say things like "you two would make a perfect couple" and "you two are definitely getting together, there's so much chemistry between you", spoken with varying degrees of sarcasm. It's a bit awkward though. I so want to tell them, I want to tell the whole world really. But Jane doesn't want to, and I am also worried that it would spread beyond our mates, and cause problems.
Also, I was worried about last night because a couple of old friends were supposed to be going to the party, and given they kind of know about me, they might have seen what's going on. Then I would have had some explaining to do to Jane... Luckily neither of them came, but I think it's only a matter of time. I'm not making any sense... It's complicated. I came out to them about a year and a half ago. But I changed my mind and wandered back into the closet, and it hasn't been spoken of for about a year, and I may have been pretending that it never happened, I'm not really sure why. We're not really such good friends anymore, and I guess that means I don't like the idea of them knowing. Crazy. I don't really know why this bothers me either. Very confusing. Sorry.
Other thing that worries me is I'm pretty sure last week, thursday I think, she was upset about something. And for reasons I won't go into I'm pretty sure it had something to do with the whole gay thing. But she wouldn't talk to me, even when I asked her. I guess this bothers me because I kind of feel like I've introduced this into her life, and I feel responsible, so I want to help. Or at least be of some comfort. Because I know how much it sucks to be alone with it. But I'm not sure if I should really push it at all because I worry that maybe it wouldn't be healthy for our relationship if I became her confidant type person... But then it might make us closer, because I don't like her hiding her feelings from me. It worries me.
We don't ever really get the chance to speak alone either. I hate having serious conversations over text or Facebook, and I can't call her because my parents might hear. I can't speak to her in person because there's nowhere private we can go at school. I don't really have time to meet up outside of school anymore, and anytime we get a second alone at a party is spent making out, because we can't do that at any other time either. All those things probably point to us being together being a bad idea, from a rational point of view. It's almost like we're having a long distance relationship. But from an irrational, and more powerful point of view, it's definitely a good idea. Because it mostly makes me very happy. As long as it also makes her very happy.
Sorry for the boring confused long post again. I wish i didn't have to do this, but like I say, there's no-one I can talk to.