Missed my chance

Mogul's picture

I missed my chance with death, I had the razor going down on my wrists, blinded by emotions, tears streaming down my face and my fucking brain told me to not do it tonight just because today my aunt had her birthday. Typical from me, missing my chances with good things just to make people happy. Anyways I made a tiny cut that will be hard to cover and another 10 that I'll have to explain in 2 weeks if they don't heal fast. I'm fucked up.

Extra information:
This day and last week had been so good (except my suicide night).
I don't know what's happening with my best guy friend that he's been so friendly with me again, when we were starting to distance and I felt replaced so I stopped talking and spending time with him. On Friday I had a maniac attack (shit I forgot if it was in or at!) English class an that's the only class I have with him, so I hugged him a lot, punched, slapped, bit and kick him everywhere and he accept it, other times he won't hug me or punch me super hard so I would stop mocking or punching him. It feels good to have him back.

And I want to come out this year, but I won't, I think it will be better to do it next year when I'm a senior and the homophobes from 11th grade graduate; I might do it with some other friends from other schools.

Everyone take care, one day I might stop writing here because I killed myself and didnt tell all of you or post my suicide note.

Comments

MaddieJoy's picture

please don't die!

we'd miss you!

jeff's picture

Err...

In that case... hopefully they don't heal fast, you suck at explaining them, and you get the help you need...

Seriously, this is important stuff, so you might want to get some professional to talk to, and obviously come out to said professional, or else it will be hard to give you the right support, etc.

Otherwise you're all over the place: cutting, considering suicide while closeted, but will be better next year when you come out... unless you're already dead?! Get some help and stick around!

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Mogul's picture

It will be awkward...

To explain the cuts (if they don't heal fast) to my whole classroom, I might have to explain the freaking scars if they don't deduce it.

elph's picture

Don't...

For me, please!

And... of course... for that great future for you that lies just ahead!