nearly-headless

MacAvity's picture

Just updates, I guess...

I guess the main thing to update about is that I poked myself with a pin on Monday and squeezed out a few erythrocytes... From what I've heard, that's bad. Some sort of line that you don't cross. I don't really see how it's any worse than volunteering to drink ipecac as a demonstration (they didn't let me), volunteering to let a leech bite me as a demonstration (that one they did let me), deliberately touching poison oak and not washing it off (apparently I'm really not allergic). Or sabotaging a friendship and making everyone worry and all the horrible stuff I did last time.

Really trying not to do that this time.
It's tempting.

You can't just tell someone on Tuesday that there's something you want to talk to 'em about in person and then expect 'em to wait until the weekend. The mind jumps to the worst. I know she's not pregnant, so the big fear in my mind is that she's decided she doesn't want to live with me next year. That, or just that they're doing it - I've been hoping that's all it is. 'Cause I knew that already. Doesn't bother me as much as it might.

There's a League potluck on Sunday. I'm tempted to do bad things if she brings him along and asks if he can join. Hand over my top hat and my cravat - "You're the Dandy Mantis now" - take off my waistcoat and hand it over even though it won't fit him - maybe even my shirt, just for extra drama and crazy, plus, he'll need a green shirt now. Maybe he can give me his shirt, so I won't be walking away half naked.
I won't do it.

I do want to know if he's still depressed. If he's not, then it's all worth it. So only one of us can be happy - there's no reason that should be me and not him. But if he's still depressed, then what's the point - now there are two depressed people. I know that's not really how the universe works. Rule of Symbolism doesn't apply, nor does any sort of fairness. But if we've traded lives, and he's taken my happiness and given me his depression, shouldn't he stop being depressed? I would not be depressed were I where he is now. And I'm not asking him to give anything back - all he owes me is to do at least as well as I would have done there.

I've felt dead recently. Like a ghost. No unfinished business, I just died but didn't do it properly, and got stuck here somehow. Messed up the dying. World goes on, I go on, independently of each other. Gotta find some place to haunt.

I have been here before. Guess I just have to die every few years to keep things fresh or something.

It was a pretty good life. Really fantastic sometimes, actually. My one wish for the next one is, can it contain a little more snogging please?

I'm not sure it's over yet. But I'm kind of ready for it to be. Maybe. Felt different yesterday, and I think that different might be being ready.

We'll see.

There are other, older updates that I probably should have posted here earlier, but I was still categorizing Oasis along with the 'nonessential' or 'distracting' or 'not related to school or interacting with real-life people' parts of the Internet I gave up for Lent. But really it's more a help than a distraction. Especially since my next counselling appointment is still two weeks away. So.
And no time to catch up on the old stuff now - I have a chemistry test to go fail. Well, maybe not fail. I'm not ready for it. And why do we even have a 'midterm' and then one week of class and then the final. Whatever.
Okay 'bye.

Comments

MaddieJoy's picture

great line

I've felt dead recently. Like a ghost. No unfinished business, I just died but didn't do it properly, and got stuck here somehow.
You could write a book based on just that!