New developments...

MacAvity's picture

She said she doesn't want to live with me next year.

Actually, she said that her mother and her psych people have recommended that she either live by herself or with the boyfriend, because that's "a more stable relationship."

So he took my girl and now he's taking my roommate and my dog and my house. No, that's not fair - she took them and gave them to him. Not his fault at all. And she was never quite "my girl," and I always knew at some level that moving in together wasn't the same as starting a life together - and after he entered the picture I cursed myself for ever even thinking of it. But even so. She promised me our dog Rubisco and us as roommates.

But they're right - she and her mother and her psych people. The way I've been recently, it was unstable and I would have been a terrible roommate for her. But I've known I had to get better by then - and just this week, it seemed like I'd done it, gotten better! Died, or whatever. If she'd told me this one, two or more weeks ago, it would have killed me. Figuratively. Today it didn't.

But I'm not accepting it! Not this time. Not saying "Okay, whatever you say, I can't pretend I'm not a little disappointed but I respect your decision and you're right, of course...." No.
Because I think it's entirely likely that living together again might make everything better. I've been a lousy friend this school year, but I was a fantastic roommate last. Living apart, we'd have to schedule times to see each other - and I won't have that. Together it could just be all the little mundane domestic times - studying, cooking, eating. Time. And spontaneity occurring when it will, as is the way of spontaneity.

Yes, just her and me might be awkward. Him always around and me thirdwheeling. Her always gone and me alone. She wants to live with him? ("I'm 99.8% sure that he's my future, and I kind of want to start my future now, y'know?") Her and him and me would be extremely awkward, naturally. But bring in a fourth and it looks brighter - one couple and two roommates, seems all right. I propose the Recruiter as the fourth - he doesn't know what he's doing for housing next year either. And he's a friend, and a thoroughly decent person. And I'd like to get to know him better, become better friends.

So that's my proposition: Her, me, him, the Recruiter, and Rubisco. In a house. And we'd all study hard and help each other through tough times and have fun and be friends (except the couple, they'd be a couple obviously) and occasionally have some minor tiffs about who does the dishes or something stupid like that. And if it didn't work, I could leave.

That's Plan A. She doesn't seem to be a fan of Plan A, but I proposed it to her boldly! No "well, if you want"s or "would you be okay with"s. Just "This is what I want. For once I know what I want and I'm telling you."

Plan B is just the Recruiter. See if we can figure out some sort of arrangement regardless of the others.
I haven't asked him about either A or B yet, so that's kind of a big thing. Tomorrow, I'll talk to him. And Plan A could work without him; we'd just need to find a different fourth.

Plan C is complete strangers - either sign up for on-campus housing and see where I get assigned (that is, after all, how I met all these people to begin with) or browse Craigslist for houses or apartments in need of another roommate.
Plan D is move back in with my mom.

Mom and Regi are starting to question why I even want to be with her. I'm starting to question that too. But if there's a chance - and there is, I think, a strong chance - that we could be anything like we were last year, then it's worth it.
She's not doing this out of disregard for my feelings. She regards too much - is too afraid of hurting anyone, and makes the wrong judgments about what will hurt. Like living with me and spending a lot of time with him will hurt me more than deciding that he'll get the dog and be her roommate and I'll only get to see her on scheduled occasions. Skewed.

I'm just about ready - from where I am - to say Screw it, you've done this this and this to me, now you're expecting this this and blah, I can't do that I can't deal with this I can't be your friend anymore. But Regi thinks that's too black-and-white, theatrical, and dramatic - which, it is. And she really does still want to be friends - she just doesn't know how. But I think I know how! And if it doesn't work, I'll leave - just give it a chance, please.

If nothing else, at least I'm being decisive and driven and refusing to live in limbo anymore and say "whatever you want" to everything. That's got to be worth something.


jeff's picture


I'd rank them in order of desirability as: B, C, D, A.

It's OK to speak up demand what you want, but once the other person doesn't want that, it's no longer a viable option.

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

MacAvity's picture

I agree

But I don't think she wants to sever all ties. And I don't want to make a life habit of severing all ties, either - I've done this before, a couple of years ago, and I don't think it's a good way to be and I want to try not being like that. And I really think this might work, and is the only way of restoring our friendship.
I'm kind of ready to walk out and sever all ties - but I don't think that's the answer. Ultimately, of course, it's up to her - but I can fight for it. And if I don't fight, then I kind of don't even exist... fighting's the only thing left to make me feel real.

jeff's picture


Why does not being her roommate mean severing all ties?

Live with someone else and be her friend.

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

MacAvity's picture

Because that worked so

Because that worked so brilliantly well this year. We couldn't survive another year of this.

jeff's picture


Typically, drama is created by becoming roommates, not removed via that process.

It seems perfectly reasonable to me that a dramatic situation leading into a potential roommate setup is reason enough to bail, no matter what the situation.

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

MacAvity's picture

Well, we talked.

And we didn't come to any conclusions or decisions or anything, but we understand each other a little better now.

She says she wants to live alone because she's sick of people and society and all that. That instantly switched me over from 'disappointed and betrayed' to 'worried for your life.' Jumped into protective mode - you can't do that, that's not safe. What's more not safe is whatever's driving her in that direction now.

And then time forced us to give up the discussion and go to the League potluck, which was just casual and fun and full of laughter. Strange how quickly we could switch from tension and tears to that. And it made me believe a little more that maybe, well, we could still be friends. Not best friends, not close friends - but the sort who can still laugh together once in a while. Not sever all ties.

And I guess I have to let her do what she will. Still I'll worry. I'll let her know that if she needs me, or someone in general, I'll always be just a phone call away - and that's all I can do, because part of why she's sick of people is that they're always trying to help and tell her what to do and keep her safe. She wants to be allowed to take care of herself - and I don't trust her to do that, but I guess I have to let her try.

The Recruiter said he "wouldn't say no" to Plan A - although plan A now looks to be out the window - and I didn't directly ask him about Plan B, but I think he's kind of aware of the idea now.

I think I did better this time. Maybe. At least I resisted melodrama. And may not end up severing all ties. So... I don't know.

lonewolf678's picture

In late,

hope it all works out. Glad to see you pop in from time-to-time.