Running on angry

MacAvity's picture

She's crossed a line with this housing thing, and now I'm just kind of mad at her, and looking back and seeing all the crap I've put up with from this girl.
Aside from just all her usual crazy overwhelming Mikiness - which, even that, I was the only person who could tolerate her most of the time until the boyfriend came along.
But she used me as some sort of emotional blow-up doll when she was single - and I don't know if my crime was letting her do that, or getting delusions of being a real human. And she promised it was forever, that we wouldn't change, that it was real - but then, maybe that's just what you say to an emotional blow-up doll.
And then when that changed and wasn't forever and wasn't real, I forgave her, and she gave me that depression - and I kicked its ass, and I forgave her.

And then she went and took away the thing I'd been living toward for almost a year, the thing that had gotten me through the tough times. Even all the way back in September, when we realized how bad a mistake it had been not to live together this year, we told ourselves, Just hang in there until next year. It'll be better again next year. When the trouble started, whenever that was - Just hang in there until next year, it'll be better next year, her and me and Rubisco. When the boyfriend came and could do everything I could do and more, there was one thing I held onto that I could do and he couldn't - Be her roommate next year, just hang in there until next year and be the best roommate she could have. When the depression was weighing me down so I could barely walk - Do it for Rubisco, you have to get better for next year. You have to do this. For Rubisco.

And I got better.

And then this happened.

I know she's got issues of her own - but I'm pretty good with her issues! I can handle them! As long as she'll let me. And she won't let me anymore.

And now I don't know what's keeping me going, since she's taken away the old "Do it for Rubisco, hang in there for Rubisco, for next year." I'm just running on angry, and afraid to stop angering because I don't know what'll be left when I do.

And because I'm an idiot, I'll go back to her if she'll let me. Because I am an idiot, or because dreams die hard, or because we did have something beautiful once. Probably because I'm an idiot.

So... What the hell, Mikaela. What the hell.
And oh, happy birthday.

Comments

elph's picture

Oh boy...

You do "bitter" so well...

I can feel your anger... your confusion. All I can offer: hang in there; persevere. I'm confident that you'll work it out... hopefully, together!

jeff's picture

Well...

I think a good tip off is any activity or goal that will make things better in the future. That is often a bad sign.

Honestly, though, for two people in conflict and drama, becoming roommates seems like a horrible resolution, if only because it doesn't guarantee things would be smooth sailing after that. If anything, that would be more of a miracle...

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

MacAvity's picture

...

I don't understand the first bit of what you just said - isn't the point of most activities and goals to make things better in the future? Isn't that kind of what goals are?

And see, the trouble began when we stopped being roommates - that's why I hoped being roommates again might fix it. And if it didn't work, I would leave. But regardless, it doesn't matter since that doesn't seem to be an option at all anymore. But it was what had been giving me some direction - a goal - and now that's gone and it scares me. I'm sustaining myself with anger for now, but that doesn't have any direction either, and I'm afraid of what'll be left when the anger's gone.

jeff's picture

Well...

I'm just saying if you want to go to a new school to start over, or lose weight so you can be happy, or anything whereby things are bad now, but if you could only get XXX then it'll all be good, then usually that doesn't pan out that way, since you can start over now, you'll probably have some issues after you lose the weight, etc., etc.

"I'm afraid of what'll be left when the anger's gone."

Reality.

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

MacAvity's picture

Aha

Your wisdom can be so annoying sometimes.