The Hinterland of my Devotion

ElsaGabor's picture

Ever since my parents found out about the life I was living behind their backs, things have never been the same. My mother and I have always had a wonderful relationship. I share much of my life with her; I always come to her for advice, as well as comfort. My father however, I can't say the same.

I have always resented my dad quite honestly. He was just very absent from my childhood. He was always so driven to cultivate my brother and I into these perfectly mannered Stepford children. He would fly into these fits of rage when we didn't meet his standards, and he was a fleeting, yet consistently tyrannical force in my growing up. While he did adjust his ways and become a more temperate man in the past years, my bitterness towards his has not subsided in the least bit.

I love my father, and he is a hugely intelligent, driven individual, who I do admire for his great accomplishments in life. But he is also such an over-bearing, nagging, guilt-tripping presence. I constantly find myself on the end of backhanded, venomous comments from him, and what he doesn't realize is that with every cruel joke or insult, my hatred for him grows deeper and deeper. The worst part is that he treats everyone so well. Except for me, that is. I've simply been left behind.

I'm the fuck up.

Today, my best friend came over, initially to hang out. But my father found out that he needed to replace his stereo, and my dad being a very handy individual, opted to help him. So while my father chatted it up with my friend and cracked jokes, whenever I tried to join he would just cut me out, or even glare at me. A grown man. A father to his own child. It was the most unintelligent, immature, and asinine behavior I may have ever witnessed. At one point, I was talking with my younger sister about her classmates at school. She mentioned one girl who cried to much, to which I said to her that she sounded problematic. My father than interjected and said (clearly as a dig to me) that "All of the problem ones end up in therapy anyway." In front of my friend, who at this point he was treating better than his own goddamn kid.

I am finding myself starting to contemplate ending my relationship with my father after I move for college. I honestly am. It's not even a "Screw you Mom and Dad" attitude. It's a "I don't love you anymore because you treat me like garbage" attitude. A hypocrite he is, because when he was my age he made some, if not most, of the mistakes I've made. Yet for my actions I am the one he "counts the days 'till I move out" for. Screw him. Despite what he may think, family is not forever. I choose who my family is. And now, he's on his way out. Fast.

I'm upset that it's going this way, but I'm giving up. I've tried hard with him, but he just doesn't get it. He's done a lot for me, I must admit. But at the end of the day, the love and respect I need from him which he receives from me, is not being reciprocated. If that's not enough for him, than I'm simply not enough. Which is fine. I don't need to live by his standards. I am my own person. I live by my standards, and no one else's.

Comments

Bosemaster42's picture

Ultimately,

Your relationship with your dad might just improve when you move out. Of course, you may perceive the improvement as your dad being happier because you're not there, which is understandable considering how he's treated you. Maybe subconciously he is attempting to drive you away, but I think only he would be able to answer that truthfully. Obviously, his image of who he wanted you to be isn't going to happen, so it could be sour grapes on his part. It would be a great loss, for both of you, if this is true. He should be proud of you regardless, but maybe he needs to see you stand on your own two feet before he changes his perception of who you really are, not 100% sure though.
You are your own person and he simply needs to accept that, but it's easier said than done.

jeff's picture

Well...

Doesn't sound like a dramatic decision, just staying on the path he has put things on.

You can tell him these things, of course, and perhaps he is blindly thinking he is tough loving you on some specific positive path? But if he's just being a dick, then yeah, cut him loose.

But flip the script. Don't make it that YOU are cutting HIM out of YOUR life, where the blame for this situation can be perceived to be yours. HE has removed HIMSELF from YOUR life, and you are just adjusting your life to free yourself from that situation.

If he changed his tune, you'd accept him, so the onus is his. And, if you want, put it out there that you feel this way. At worst, you get one more dig from him, which seems de rigueur anyway...

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles