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radiosilence95's picture

Just gonna jump right in to this one.

I can feel myself becoming more and more reclusive every day. Friendships are just so tedious to me, so unsatisfying. In other words, they just require too much effort without any considerable benefits. Everybody irritates me somehow in some way. Like I'll just look at some of my friends and immediately feel annoyance. That's horrible. I'm fully aware that this makes me an asshole. I get that. Can't help it though. I'm thinking this has a lot to do with the fact that I've been around these people for a long time. I sincerely think a change of scenery will cure pretty much all of my problems.

But I can't live like this until college. Or maybe I can. People can get used to anything. That's a psychological fact.

I've also stopped expecting good things from people. Well, the people around here anyway. I just expect people to let me down. And they do. A lot. So if I expect that from now on, instead of expecting, y'know, loyalty and companionship and selflessness, I won't be so disappointed anymore. It's a very pessimistic kind of logic, but it works. I'm sure I'll drop that logic like a hot pancake the second I begin college, so it's temporary. Probably.

I'm kinda thinking I'm mostly over Brittany. Considering I haven't seen her since December 23rd and it is now March and just thinking about that fact pisses me off. I try really super hard not to hold any grudge against her for going to college and entering a new chapter of her life. It's hard not to when you feel like you've been left behind by someone who was not only your closest friend, but a person you really loved.

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder. I don't know who "they" are, but they are full of shit. This distance has forced me to move on. So, even though it sucks to no end, it's a good thing, in a weird way. I mean, if we saw each other every day like last year it'd be really difficult to get over that lady.

I just hate that my perception of her has changed so drastically. I always thought she was sweet, genuinely caring, the closest anyone could get to perfection. What a dangerous perception to have about another human being. Now...now I can't help but group her sometimes with my other friends. I can't help but think that she's just like everybody else. That's not fair. Or maybe it is. I don't know.

So this is where my mind is at. Very not good. But also very not horrible either. I don't know what it is.

I read up briefly on existentialism in World Lit since we were reading Albert Camus's The Stranger. And even though it's the most depressing philosophy ever and I would argue that all existentialists are emotionally challenged pessimists, I can kinda see where Camus is coming from. Not much matters to me either. Not saying NOTHING matters to me, but. And I do relate to that social detachment, but I can't tell if that's because it's part of who I am or if it's just my environment.

Existentialism, man. To sum it up, the universe is hostile towards humans and our existence doesn't matter. Nice, huh?

Comments

ElsaGabor's picture

Best Quote of 2013:

"They say distance makes the heart grow fonder. I don't know who "they" are, but they are full of shit. "

Haha, that's some good shit. But I totally feel you in the friendship department. I'm not there as of now, but I did have a period where people could just fuck off and I would be okay with it. And if there's a legitimate reason they annoy you, you're totally not an asshole. And if there's no reason, then who the fuck cares if you're being an ass? Embrace it girl, cause life sucks and then we die :3

radiosilence95's picture

Yeah I have a feeling this

Yeah I have a feeling this whole fuck friendship thing is a phase. I'm almost an adult. I thought phases were for fourteen year olds. Guess I was wrong about that.

MacAvity's picture

Yeah...

It's a phase. All life is made of phases - not just for fourteen-year-olds! I've had phases like this and actually I'm in one now - this is the second time it's happened to me at least. The way I've been thinking of it, I have to "die" every few years - maybe to keep things fresh? I don't know. But you're only dead for a while, and then you start a new life. Falling out of love - I'm right there with you, and yes, distance definitely helps it happen, if not makes it happen.

It'll get better. For both of us.
Actually it was probably good for me reading this, 'cause we're in a pretty similar place emotionally... so, thanks?

radiosilence95's picture

That makes a lot of sense.

That makes a lot of sense. And I know what you mean. I feel like I was a completely different person freshman year, nowhere near the same identity.

I'm glad you can relate to this. Well, actually, no. It's not a good place to be in, so I'm not glad you can relate, but...nevermind.