Who i am and how i justify it

DontYouDareJudge's picture

I remember few names...if there's one thing i'm bad at, it's remembering names. But i will never forget David.

He was in the hospital with me. He showed up the day after i did i think...wearing skimpy short shorts and a short that didn't even cover his navel. He was a male prostitute...i didn't learn this until days later when he told me but i doubt it would've effected the way i saw him even if i had put the pieces together when he first walked in. He wouldn't eat...fuck...he didn't even look someone in the eye. Being someone who made people laugh themselves pissless on a regular basis, this was completely foreign to me. Damn him, damn hinm for needing my help. That poor kid...only sixteen, same age as me at the time. I had no idea he'd change things. He was a cute kid...smart too. Went right through the classes we did as a replacement for not being able to go to school due to our encarceration. He was smart...and i was stupid. That's what he taught me. I'll never forget how stupid i was, or how ignorant i never want to be so long as my very being exists through this life and ever after until every single trace of my soul and all i am has withered away into a void of complete lack there of.

I approached him...first night...he wouldn't look at me. I asked him why, being stupid as i was. He didn't tell me...ashamed i suppose. Though he was a higher being than me (whether he knew it or not), he couldn't stand to look me in the eye. I now know that it is his fear of me. i looked like so many of his clients. I was fat. I looked older than him. And worst of all...i looked like i could easily over-power him like so many have already. Life its-self had beaten him down infact. The living, breathing entity that is this world we live in had deminished him to a beaten, bled dry pulp of a former human being. Leaving only a broken, hungry and poor pile of cum-stained bones. Fuck life. For what it did to him...that was my first lesson. Life is a bully., Let it push you, and it learns your weaknesses. Your soft spots. And it'll attack them mercilessly until you reach your lowest form. You become David. The corpse i have put on a pedistal. The dead body i hold on my hands and above my head for the world to see...in hopes that they too can learn. Learn to fight the bully, win over the bully...and hang the noose not for yourself, not for what life has made you, not for who it has shaped you into...but hang life's rules on a branch in the town square for all to read the sign draped around its neck. "Here hangs the world as it was...may the world i make for myself live forever after."

My next lesson came when i saw him the next morning...not touching his breakfast. I told a joke, he offered a smile. I carried on, he snorted in amusement. I got louder and more open. I got more...more myself. And in return, more and more pieces of him came to the surface. He began nibbling at the corners of his toast...crust first...then slowly circiling around until it was gone. he finally finished all three pieces of toast and one strip off turkey bacon. He stayed with me all day. Asking me to follow him to the bathroom, afraid of an unseen unexisting monster he never seemed to have a name for. I now know he had been raped in bathrooms...not many perverts carry knives and pass up a hooker walking into a public toilet without atleast taking what fuck-money he had worked out, if not raping before or after the fact. He shared things with me. His fear of heights. His fear of the dark...damnit...that boy was afraid of everything...for all the wrong reasons. He was afraid of heights because he was afraid he would fall. I told him to think of height as an achievement. Being in a two or three story building doesn't mean we will fall, it means we as human beings have achieved a higher status. The capability to build and stay higher than our predecessors was a gift. A gift we have earned. He wasn't scared anymore. I explained his fear of the dark to him. Told him that the reason the dark is scary because it is always a wild card. No one knows what's in a dark corner until you explore it with light and what we already know about it's surroundings, once we know, it's not scary. If we learn to avoid it, we do, and are the wiser for doing so. He thought i taught him...but i know that i was teaching him things i didn't know i had learned myself. I gained that knowledge from my father and mother. Subtle ways. Maybe they didn't even mean to...but i'll never forget. Even while giving knowledge to David...he gave it back to me. And his smile...the solid sign of his eagerness to learn and teach is what engraves those lessons in my mind.

One night...he confided why he was there. He was picked up on a bridge...ready to jump off. A homeless man stopped him by calling a cop over...they offered him a meal and a place to sleep...so he climbed down but held the secret that he knew...if he ever had to leave that bed and give up that meal he'd go back to that bridge and this time he woulnd't be stopped.

Damn him...he needed me. I needed him. I figured i should be sad...but i wasn't. I was angry. I picked him up off his bed and made him stand up. I gripped his shoulders tight and glared at him. I didn't know whether to kiss him or beat him down. I made him scream. Not in pain...i made him repeat that he woulnd't. Never go back to that bridge...live for something. Live for someone. For me. For anyone. He didn't stop even when i told him i was satisfied. He cried and collapsed his weak, thin body into my arms. I held him and we fell to the floor. I sat down and held his crying face to my chest. I promised him it would be alright. I swore to him...i swore it'd be alright. I made him cry. He needed to. I demanded that he cry as long as humanly possible. Every man that raped him. Every man that bought this boy's body like it was a box of tissue paper, used him, and threw him away with a wadded twenty dollar bill died that night. To us and him, they were dead. They would never haunt him again. I swore to him i woulnd't let them. Everytime he thought of them, immagine me ending them. Put me inbetween him and those evil sinister basterds, and watch my slit their bloody throats out and stomp them into the pavement. he kissed me before that night was over...my first kiss from a boy. Damn him...

Damn him for being so smart...god...god damn him for saving my life.

He emailed me last week...i just got the email today since i only have internet every other week.

He's in college...painting. They transferred him to a military school out of the hospital. Put him in their special unit for those who can't take the especially tough training but in time he moved to be a real soldier and got a GI bill. Colonel David Gunderson...he's now using his military college plan to study and be a professional artist. Damn him...he saved me. That prick...that beautiful innocent basterd. I hate him for making me love him.

He offered to let me sleep with him that night...the night we kissed. I refused. I told him that sex would do nothing. We knew we loved eachother. Making love...wouldn't prove anything. He needed sleep anyway...more than anything he needed sleep and a meal. he slept and ate like a hog the next morning. By the time he left he was jogging again, something i learned was one of his favorite past times.

Damn him...i say it again, damn him for saving my life in the most innocent and sinnisterly perfect way.

he will never read this message i'll wager...we've agreed to stay away from eachother. Don't bother looking him up, i didn't use his real name...yes, i do remember it. But it doesn't matter. I love him. But it's not going to happen. He'll find someone who'll love him just as much as i did.

The best part...i now have a reason to be the pissed off, angry, partially psychotic person that i am. Without me being as deminted as i am, who would save David? in my head, he still thinks i'm an evil, dark and crazy person who loves telling a joke as much as plotting my own suicide. I was in the hospital for plotting a murder and for planning to end myself afterwards. You all know i'm not all there...and at the time i was in a real dark place. I thought i was doomed. So...i took my chances with death.

If he ever finds me, i'd better be the same crazy ass wise cracking fool i was when i made that promise. He needs me to be crazy...or else i can't kill people for him. I can't he there to be the baddest fucker in his head to fight off the bad guys. I'm evil...but i'm the lesser of the two evils. I'm sick, folks...but with my sickness, i've cured another.

I'm going to make some drastic decisions in the future. They will change my life forever, but damnit...i need to love for me. Or else...David won't have a bad guy to watch his back.

I love David. I love Micheal, my current boyfriend more, but there will always be a spot for that damned boy who won my heart with an empty stomach and eyes so full of tears i had to throw away my shirt after he got done crying on it.

Like i said...David will never see this. But you have. Copy and paste this and spread it...let that poor little boy somewhere who needs a sick psychopath to watch over him know that there is one hell of a big mother fucker out there just lookin to take a bite out of whatever creepy, dark thoughts and people crawl into his life.

I love you David...you fucking gorgeous angel...did i mention you're a dick?


elph's picture

An accidental convergence of like spirits?

Not a happy story... but truly evocative!

How much time has now elapsed since your chance encounter with David?

Welcome to Oasis... and here's wishing you the very best!

DontYouDareJudge's picture

It's been about five years

Some time i know...but i'm proud of my first love.

"The happiest people in the world are the beautiful and the stupid."

elph's picture

Me, too...

I just wish it "could have been!"

MacAvity's picture


This is beautiful! Dark and beautiful and for a few paragraphs there I was wondering whether this was your own experience or just a writing experiment. All I can say is... wow.

DontYouDareJudge's picture


My appreciation for the kind words...thank you.

"The happiest people in the world are the beautiful and the stupid."

jeff's picture


Welcome to Oasis...

Just a heads up, this is primarily an LGBT youth site and, unless I'm mistaken, you seem like you may be significantly older than most people here, whereby I'd guess the average age is 15 or so?

Just so you know...

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles