Coming out to friends and family

artsguy's picture

Hey guys,

So i'm really torn about how to come out to my mom. A lot has changed in my life..mostly all for the better. In fact, I'm lucky enough to have a boyfriend (albeit sort of in secret). I've come out to my best friend and she took it amazingly well! So i had a huge sense of relief. However, a big thing thats still eating me up is my mom not knowing. I feel like a big reason of why i want her to know is because then my boyfriend can come and stay over longer than a night, and we wouldn't have to be so conscious of who walks through the door. But i do also just want to be comfortable and be all of who i am in the comfort of my own house. The only thing is I get scared of her reaction and my mind goes blank in terms of what to say and how to say it.

As well, I'm planning on having a pretty big party at my house that my bf will be coming to in May. But i have a sense of apprehension because i'm going to be inviting some of my school friends and old childhood friends. I have nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to being gay or in a relationship. I just have no clue how to say it to them..or how to handle what their reactions may be because it's going to pretty much be by "unofficial coming out". If anyone could give me some tips/pointers on one or all of what i'm writing about I would be really thankful!

Thanks so much


MaddieJoy's picture


You have it easy in that you're already in a relationship. You can just say to everyone "This is my boyfriend, Jimmy." If you make it casual, they'll think that it's no big deal and no one will mind too much--unless they're one of those religious nuts in which case you don't really need them anyway.

artsguy's picture

thats true

thats a really good point, if i'm casual about it they will be too. I never thought of that.Thanks a lot, i really appreciate it! I know some of my friends i've known for longer will have some funny faces once i tell them, but nothing a few drinks at the party wont fix haha.

jeff's picture


Does this party have any other purpose? I guess I'm only concerned that if there is a reason for the party, it could become overshadowed by you making it your queercinera. If just a random party, then that's fine. But still seems like the party could be more celebratory if you were already out before it? But either way is fine.

I agree about the casualness. There's no need to come out at the party, just be out.

As for your mom, your logic could be backwards. You might have less of a chance of privacy if that is your boyfriend and not just a male friend. Part of the reason parents are usually fine with their sons having guys in their room is the lack of sex they assume might happen. But you can judge that for yourself.

The upside of coming out to your mom is it usually doesn't matter as far as logistics, assuming she doesn't have a clue. You can plan the perfect setting, the perfect moment, the perfect language... and she will likely not remember any of it. She's going to remember you said you were gay, probably not even how you said it, and then it all becomes about her reaction. So, I wouldn't stress the details too much. Make it about wanting to be honest with her and keeping your good relationship, and wanting to share the things that make you happy in life, like your boyfriend, etc., and once you get the "I'm gay" part covered, the tables often turn and you're just answering her questions. And, give her a pass for a day or two... she may stupid uninformed bullshit, but you're sort of the adult in this conversation, so just reassure her about the truth, and who you are, etc., etc., and give her some space to sort it out. You had time to get comfortable, build yourself up, find a boyfriend, and accept things, and she gets one sentence and then is expected to react. So, give her time, let her ask questions, and don't let this be a moment where you fall into normal roles of you making fun of her question as stupid or anything. Guide her through it and you end up in a better place.

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

artsguy's picture


..the party is technically for my birthday, but i think if i just introduce him as my bf then it should be fine. and haha...that would be true, except my mom's never seen him before (he goes to a different school, and isn't friends with any of my friends) so either way she'd be suspicious as to who he is.

And thanks for the advice about coming out to my mom, that actually helps a lot about not needing to make it perfect. I tend to be sort of a perfectionist..and it feels good to know that I should just be honest and not stress about the ideal place or time to tell her. I guess one night, i'll just have to take a deep breath go up to her and say it..though I know no matter what it's gonna be tough. Also, do you think I should even mention the fact I have a boyfriend to her when i first tell her i'm gay? or would that be too much for her to handle?

Thanks so much for the reply by the way, I really appreciate it and it's definitely helped (sorry for not responding so fast, I'm not the best at getting back to people so quickly haha)

elph's picture

At this stage...

I'd strongly suggest just telling her, "He's a great friend that I met recently at..."

There's no need of either of you going further at this time. Cultivate what you have, and see how it grows!