Starting to Come out :)!

Mike07's picture

So Last night I told one of my good friends Ruby that i thought i was a bisexual because she is openly a bisexual so i thought that she would understand better:)

It was so relieving to finally admit who you truely are to someone obviously this site has helped, It gave me the courage to tell somebody, but telling a friend and having them hug you and reassure you and help. The feeling is great!

What she mentioned was how true friends will stay no matter what but the thought of being alone and rejected is still so scary to me!:( My biggest concern is my family :/ They are so convinced im straight and they make remarks to bi/ gays and it makes me feel disgusting but if I try say but theyre still people theyll probably say stuff like yeah fucked up people :/ But I cant lose my family!:( They mean the world to me and more but i cant keep living a lie. What am i going to do?:(

I think finally im learning to accept myself as much as i dont like the way i am i have no choice :/ So has anybody got some advice on gradually starting to come out? Or should i wait a while?

Thank you for reading!:)


Bosemaster42's picture

Hey Mike,

It's a tremendous relief when a good friend stands behind you. You may find it a bit more difficult with your family. I know the feeling all too well.
Again, you want to take your time. There's no sense to rushing it, because you don't want to make your homelife a misery. Remember, they think your straight and obviously you're not giving them reasons to suspect otherwise.
If you do happen to come out to one or both of them, you need to be prepared for their reaction. I tend to always expect the worst from people, and I have to admit, i was wrong with regard to the reactions I have received from my friends.

jeff's picture


I think you should use the same criteria you did this time. You targeted your audience, felt comfortable telling this person, and proceeded forward. When you think about telling someone else, and you don't feel as comfortable, wait. Pretty easy.

I do think it is important to reframe the consequences of coming out, though. If you tell someone and they react poorly, and your relationship changes, it is because they pulled away from you based on their beliefs. You didn't do anything to encourage severing the relationship, aside from tell them your truth.

So, you can never be alone, only abandoned. Alone is a choice.

And, on some level, you are giving people the opportunity to accept or abandon you based on your truth. So, you play no role in what happens here. They are either too narrow minded to stay, or they accept you.

Of course, a friendship that has to be preserved with lies isn't worth having in the long run anyway...

Family? That is harder, but ultimately the same thing. You are telling them the truth and hoping to keep receiving their love, guidance, acceptance, etc. It is up to them to decide not to continue to provide those things.

So, you're essentially stress-testing relationships, and the ones on bad foundations (or outdated ideas) may not stick around. All you're really doing there is finding out who wouldn't be in your life long-term anyway, just very quickly.

But all of that should happen once you are more accepting of yourself. Coming out needs to coming from a positive, accepting place.

A lot of people confess they are gay to people like they would tell them they have cancer, and then when people are concerned, they say their coming out didn't go well. But how you say things affects a huge chunk of the reaction...

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Jeff is right,

And I can do nothing but echo him.

You may have heard it a thousand times, but what everyone is saying is true. And congrats on finding this site and the courage to do what you're doing! You're on the road to a life fulfilling and authentic, and there is nothing more important in life than those things. Never fear what may happen, because we've no control over what happens- only what we do about it.

Stay beautiful, Mike. I know what situation you are in. You're about how old I was when I got here, maybe a year older or so, and I know how bad it hurts to feel abandoned. But Jeff said it best: Abandoned is one thing, but alone is a choice. Coming out can be hell and heaven, and everything in between. Gradual coming-out can be best, but sometimes you can feel like just shouting out who you are and who you want to be- because those two things are one and the same. And when you get that feeling- when you've reached that point of self-love- shout it out! Sing to the sky and the trees and the birds, let it echo between the towers in the cities, ring above the sounds of petty human life, because once you have that love for who you are, you have every right to sing.

My love and my everlasting support,

* * *

Moloch whose name is the Mind!

Mike07's picture

Firstly Thank you all for

Firstly Thank you all for commenting

Since then Ive told five other people each one has been so unbelievably supportive! Three of these are also bi so i thought we would relate well, Ruby suggested that I speak to Matthew because he is pretty much in the same situation as me, Hes recently told a few people he is bi and is still finding himself. When we talk its like im talking to myself in another form, He has the same problems as me the same issues, worries, concerns and weve just been pulling each other through. Im so glad Matthew is there for me I feel out of everyone he understands me so well, Anyway my point with Matthew is I dont feel alone or abandoned or anything like that now all because of him :)

And like use have said Alone is a choice, A choice im not willing to take thank you for making me realise this. I have such a different prespective of myself since joining Oasis!

I will continue telling a few selective people when im comfortable but for now im happy and thats what matters right? I am feeling like i just want everyone to know and have it over with but im not prepared for the consequences that come with that part :)

Thanks again for commenting its much appreciated!