Thanks to all who read and left notes for my first journal entry, it's great to know that people here understand and care.
I've decided, with the urging of my brothers, to write a separate journal about how each of us met, which will lead to how we ended up being brothers.
I was three when my mom died, and honestly I don't remember her much. Fortunately we have lots of pictures of her, but otherwise she's just an illusion to me.
She died while driving home from my aunt's house late at night in a bad storm and a deer ran into her car causing her to lose control and end up in a deep ravine. She was found the next day when a someone stopped to get the dead deer and saw the car.
Mom was six months pregnant with a boy and they were buried together under an old oak tree in our town's cemetery. I go there at least one a week and it's a peaceful place for me where I can just let my mind go blank.
I know there was lots of pressure for my dad to get remarried but he stood his ground and became a stay at home dad, which where we live in the land of traditional marriage is unheard of. I know they had good life insurance so he didn't have to work.
Right before third grade ended dad picked me up at school and told me his godson Chase would be staying with us for a while, at least the rest of the summer because his folks were having some problems at home and they needed our help. I don't think I understood it but I was glad to have him with us. He's six months younger and a grade behind me.
Dad had told me he was going to be dropped off the next day but when we got home he was sitting on the front porch, crying. I've never been able to erase the image of how he looked that day from my mind. His hair was disheveled, he had a black eye and there was a trail of dried blood from his nose. The front of his jeans was soaked from where he had wet himself, his right wrist tied to the porch with a thick rope.
Dad just held him while he tried to explain what had happened, and I've never seen my dad so pissed before. Chase's dad had beaten him up because Chase didn't want to leave him, and he just left him there tied like a dog so he couldn't run off.
Dad had me take him into the bathroom and run a bath for Chase, and I could hear him yelling and swearing on the phone. Chase wouldn't undress so I did it for him, and when I pulled off his ratty holey undies I screamed for my dad. His butt was covered in bruises and he had this small red mark right below his waist, that I later learned was a cigarette burn.
Dad just told him over and over that he'd be okay and then said we needed haircuts, and brought the clippers in a buzzed my hair first like he had done tons of times before then did the same to Chase. I found out some time later that Chase had lice. While we were bathing he burned his clothes and the clipping.
We took a bath together with me washing him, and we had fun just playing in the water. Dad came in with some clean clothes for Chase and told me to make sure Chase was washed real good, and then to come down for dinner. When we were dressed I hugged him and told him I loved him and that he'd be ok here.
He smiled for the first time. I'll never forget how happy he was.
After we ate we showed Chase his new room, which had been my mom's old one, and after getting hugged and kissed and even more hugs he stretched out and fell asleep. He was home now.
Before I went to bed I said my prayers and dad asked me to say one for Chase and his parents which I was glad to do. My dad asked me how I'd feel about having his as my brother and I smiled, but I think I knew that's where it was going to end up.
Like most of the boys where I live I wasn't cut as a baby, and once or twice a week my dad would check to see if I could pull the skin back. He was always real gentle with me and would stop as soon as it hurt any, and then dad told me as a big brother I would need to do this with Chase.
I still remember what dad said when I asked him why I'd have to do it:
"Alex, you're the only person he trusts."
Even at eight I understood that.
The next day we went to Wal*Mart and dad bought us some summer clothes, along with a bike for Chase who didn't know how to ride one. It was my job, as his big brother to teach him. A few days later the training wheels were off, a we rode everywhere!
That summer I taught him how to play baseball. How to swim. How to catch a football. I think I hugged him more than my dad did, and Chase loved it. My friends accepted him too, glad to have another boy around our age to be with.
My Dad would often leave us at home alone when he had to run errands, and one day while he was out I decided to show Chase how to pull his skin back. I really didn't want to but I knew I had to.
I asked him if he had done it and he just looked at me funny, so I told him I'd show him how, that it was real important. I pushed with some force and did it for him, and just wanted to put it in my mouth (I didn't). Mine was pointing straight out in my shorts, which Chase saw. I was so scared but I could stop the thoughts in my head.
Chase wanted to see mine and he did the same thing to me, pushing mine back and forth until it felt too good and I made him stop. Chase told me a older boy showed him how to do it and it was called jacking. Back then I didn't know anything about sex or being gay or anything, but I knew what we did wasn't right.
From then on it was our secret thing, until school started again and I met Dalton.
Dalton had his own secrets, far beyond mine.
There's more to come.