The Crying Boy On The Front Porch

LostSouls's picture

Thanks to all who read and left notes for my first journal entry, it's great to know that people here understand and care.

I've decided, with the urging of my brothers, to write a separate journal about how each of us met, which will lead to how we ended up being brothers.

I was three when my mom died, and honestly I don't remember her much. Fortunately we have lots of pictures of her, but otherwise she's just an illusion to me.

She died while driving home from my aunt's house late at night in a bad storm and a deer ran into her car causing her to lose control and end up in a deep ravine. She was found the next day when a someone stopped to get the dead deer and saw the car.

Mom was six months pregnant with a boy and they were buried together under an old oak tree in our town's cemetery. I go there at least one a week and it's a peaceful place for me where I can just let my mind go blank.

I know there was lots of pressure for my dad to get remarried but he stood his ground and became a stay at home dad, which where we live in the land of traditional marriage is unheard of. I know they had good life insurance so he didn't have to work.

Right before third grade ended dad picked me up at school and told me his godson Chase would be staying with us for a while, at least the rest of the summer because his folks were having some problems at home and they needed our help. I don't think I understood it but I was glad to have him with us. He's six months younger and a grade behind me.

Dad had told me he was going to be dropped off the next day but when we got home he was sitting on the front porch, crying. I've never been able to erase the image of how he looked that day from my mind. His hair was disheveled, he had a black eye and there was a trail of dried blood from his nose. The front of his jeans was soaked from where he had wet himself, his right wrist tied to the porch with a thick rope.

Dad just held him while he tried to explain what had happened, and I've never seen my dad so pissed before. Chase's dad had beaten him up because Chase didn't want to leave him, and he just left him there tied like a dog so he couldn't run off.

Dad had me take him into the bathroom and run a bath for Chase, and I could hear him yelling and swearing on the phone. Chase wouldn't undress so I did it for him, and when I pulled off his ratty holey undies I screamed for my dad. His butt was covered in bruises and he had this small red mark right below his waist, that I later learned was a cigarette burn.

Dad just told him over and over that he'd be okay and then said we needed haircuts, and brought the clippers in a buzzed my hair first like he had done tons of times before then did the same to Chase. I found out some time later that Chase had lice. While we were bathing he burned his clothes and the clipping.

We took a bath together with me washing him, and we had fun just playing in the water. Dad came in with some clean clothes for Chase and told me to make sure Chase was washed real good, and then to come down for dinner. When we were dressed I hugged him and told him I loved him and that he'd be ok here.

He smiled for the first time. I'll never forget how happy he was.

After we ate we showed Chase his new room, which had been my mom's old one, and after getting hugged and kissed and even more hugs he stretched out and fell asleep. He was home now.

Before I went to bed I said my prayers and dad asked me to say one for Chase and his parents which I was glad to do. My dad asked me how I'd feel about having his as my brother and I smiled, but I think I knew that's where it was going to end up.

Like most of the boys where I live I wasn't cut as a baby, and once or twice a week my dad would check to see if I could pull the skin back. He was always real gentle with me and would stop as soon as it hurt any, and then dad told me as a big brother I would need to do this with Chase.

I still remember what dad said when I asked him why I'd have to do it:

"Alex, you're the only person he trusts."

Even at eight I understood that.

The next day we went to Wal*Mart and dad bought us some summer clothes, along with a bike for Chase who didn't know how to ride one. It was my job, as his big brother to teach him. A few days later the training wheels were off, a we rode everywhere!

That summer I taught him how to play baseball. How to swim. How to catch a football. I think I hugged him more than my dad did, and Chase loved it. My friends accepted him too, glad to have another boy around our age to be with.

My Dad would often leave us at home alone when he had to run errands, and one day while he was out I decided to show Chase how to pull his skin back. I really didn't want to but I knew I had to.

I asked him if he had done it and he just looked at me funny, so I told him I'd show him how, that it was real important. I pushed with some force and did it for him, and just wanted to put it in my mouth (I didn't). Mine was pointing straight out in my shorts, which Chase saw. I was so scared but I could stop the thoughts in my head.

Chase wanted to see mine and he did the same thing to me, pushing mine back and forth until it felt too good and I made him stop. Chase told me a older boy showed him how to do it and it was called jacking. Back then I didn't know anything about sex or being gay or anything, but I knew what we did wasn't right.

From then on it was our secret thing, until school started again and I met Dalton.

Dalton had his own secrets, far beyond mine.

There's more to come.

Thank you,



jeff's picture


Why do our hyper-literate younger users always have something to say about foreskin by their second or third journal?! I don't track the stats, but it is odds-defying...

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

elph's picture


And written as a novel with built-in suspense! Stick around... there's more to come (no... that's not a misspelling)! :(

Sam2000's picture

About the skin...

At the hospital my Grandma is a doctor at the newborn circ rate is 35% (I asked her). I think at one point the average in the United States was 90%! My boyfriend over the last year has almost completely restored his by stretching techniques he got online. Gay men naturally have an interest in their bodies and this is an important issue. Believe me, Sam Jr. is an important part of my life LOL!

I don't think what Alex did with his brother was all that weird, it's something that needs to be done. It's just like a father teaching his son how to shave or a older sister explaining how to use a tampon to her younger sister, it's a necessary thing. I think what Alex wrote about was his awakening to having an interest in boys, so he wrote about it.

When I started writing on here a year ago I was treated the same way, so I'm going to stick up for someone else in the same position.

No matter what he writes, Alex needs us as much as we need him. Think about that.


jeff's picture


Unless I missed some time lapse, they are both 8 in this scenario. So, the shaving/tampon reference is a few years off.

I guess I think an 8-year-old that gets hard touching another 8-year-old, and wants to perform oral sex on the other is pretty out there and seems excessively young. At 11 or 12, perhaps, but not 8.

Something is amiss if 8 year olds have oral sex as an option in their mental rolodex.

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

LostSouls's picture


at school guys used to call each other cocksuckers and dicksuckers so maybe that gave me the idea?


LostSouls are four gay friends-Alex, Dalton, Chase, & Jake-who ended up being stepbrothers by dumb luck. We are also a support group for four other gay kids who have to keep their sexuality a secret. We live in the Bible Belt, which explains a lot.

Bosemaster42's picture

I guess,

if you have it, you may as well flaunt it. Cliff-hangers, gotta love em.

Sam2000's picture


I think this journal was very well written, it's a bit different style than most on here but still really good. I wish I could write this well :0

I think Alex is trying to slowly introduce each of his brothers to maybe try to make sense of their relationship? If you read his first journal he hinted at the fact that they were going to have a group suicide, so I'll take it that things were (are?) still rough for them. Imagine if you had to hide the fact from your parents that all of their kids are gay? I can't even begin to understand that trauma!

If someone my age is being called too literate then lower your standards. There's plenty of kids my age that can barely spell or write a decent sentence.

Alex, no matter what style you do it in, keep writing on here. There's lots of us who will be here for you!


Bosemaster42's picture

The Journal post,

Was well written. I only gave the 'cliff hanger' reference because that's how it ended, intentional or not. And, I like cliff-hangers. They tend to make you yearn for the next episode, if you will.
The first part of my response was in regard to 'foreskin'. The 65% of babies who are circumcised, like myself, didn't have a choice.
I suppose I was a little insensitive by not commenting on Alex' mother. It's tragic he didn't have a chance to get to know her and he has my sympathy.
Also, being called too literate or, more accurately, Hyper-Literate is hardly a criticism. It sure beats being called functionally illiterate. It's refreshing to know there are young people who have writing skills, like several oasis members, including yourself.
I've witnessed far too many young people who don't. It irks me to no end to walk into a store, get rung in for my purchases, and let's say the total owed is $15.75. I hand the cashier 21.00 and they look at me like I have two heads, not realizing I'm actually doing them a favor and I already know what my change should be.

LostSouls's picture


Even though I don't have much of a memory of my mom, there's still a loss there. Especially for my dad.

I'm in a real bad school district, and the high school I'll be going to is pathetic. There's lots of pregnant girls, and not much hope for the future.

I'm going to do everything I can to escape this town when I can!


LostSouls are four gay friends-Alex, Dalton, Chase, & Jake-who ended up being stepbrothers by dumb luck. We are also a support group for four other gay kids who have to keep their sexuality a secret. We live in the Bible Belt, which explains a lot.