This time I want to write about how I found out that Jake and Chase weren't exactly straight. My last journal was real tough to write, but I think this one will be easier.
Chase met Jake when third grade started and I think they were best friends from the moment they met. Jake was popular and outgoing, a great athlete and a good student, and a good person. We sat by each other on the school bus, and after school we were around each other when we could.
Jake and Dalton were among the poorest kids in our school, their clothes were real worn and they didn't even have cable, but they still did their best with what they had.
In our boring small town sports is a way to escape the dullness, and all four of us were full throttle into it. Football in the fall, wrestling in the winter, baseball in the summer. We were always doing something physical.
In third grade after football season I started wrestling, and it wasn't long before Chase got involved with it too. Here wrestling is huge, almost as big as football, and kids start with it when they're five or six. It's also great conditioning and helps tie football and baseball seasons together.
Once Chase and I started wrestling, Dalton and Jake wanted to get involved too, and it was another opportunity for what are now our parents to spend time with each other. I don't think any of us saw anything romantic between them back then.
At first we just practiced in tee shirts and shorts, but then we got our singlets...and for the first time I noticed other boy's stuff that was real easy to see in the clingy singlets. I starting to find myself staring at things I knew I should even be looking at. This was the first real experience for me changing naked in the locker room with other boys, and my interest in boys just kept getting more powerful.
As serious as we took the practices and meets, it was still fun and about learning the basics. The funny thing about wrestling is the scrawniest kids and the fattest kids could actually be good at a sport because they went against an opponent of the same weight.
After wrestling season we all started playing baseball, and once again Chase and I were on one team and Dalton and Jake were on another. We still spent a lot of time together, but not as much as I wanted to.
One day that spring something happened that really freaked me out, and made me think about stuff I didn't even want to know about.
In school my locker was around the corner from Jake's and I heard him ask Chase if anyone was going to be at home after school that day? Chase said that I'd be there and Jake said that maybe he could get Dalton to do something with me after school so I wouldn't be home?
Chase asked him why, and Jake just told him he had a surprise to show him that would blow his mind.
I knew I had to be at home that day.
At lunch Dalton asked me to come over and I said sure, and we got off the bus at his house together, and then I went out the back door and ran as fast as I could to my house, taking the long way back home.
In my house I hid in Chase's bedroom, in the closet. The doors are like a shutter with slits just big enough to see out of, and I hid behind his shirts. A few minutes later Chase and Jake came in, and pulled off their hoodies and sat on the bed.
Chase asked Jake what he wanted to show him and Jake pulled a magazine from his backpack. Chase just sat there looking at it and asked Jake where he got it and he told him he swiped it from his cousin. They slowly went from page to page laughing and saying things like "I can't believe they're doing that" and "That HAS to hurt!". I didn't know what kind of magazine it was until I saw the cover and it was a shirtless guy, and even then I didn't believe it.
They just sat there then Jake asked him if he wanted to do it? Chase asked him "do what?", and Jake grabbed the magazine and turned to a page and said "THAT!".
It was so quiet in the room that I was afraid they'd hear me breathing, and finally Jake told Chase he let him go first. He left the room and came back with a towel and a jar of Vaseline and spread the towel on the bed. They stripped and the sight of them totally bare made my penis so hard it was painful.
I don't think I can write about what happened next, but what I saw totally blew MY mind. Plus the way Jake seemed to like having it done to him, telling Chase how to do it...that was too much for me.
After Chase was done it was Jake's turn, and he did his act slowly. Once he was done they went into the bathroom and took a long shower. Before the water stopped I sneaked out of the bedroom and quietly slipped out the back door of the my house, and rode my bike to the local woods.
Hidden among the pine trees, I sat down and cried as hard as I possible could. I saw two people I had a deep respect and love for bugger each other, one of the worst possible sins and I couldn't stop what they were doing and I couldn't make my penis soften. Now, thinking about what I had seen it was poking in my jeans.
My hand make it go away, fueled by two bare bodies pressing together.
The guilt was only worse after that, and on the bike ride home I tried to think of what to do.
The answer came to me as I rode down my driveway, but it was an answer I didn't like much.
Thank you for reading, and being there for me.