Living in hell.

Mogul's picture

This month has been mostly a hell, the first week of it I was really depressed and my parents made things worse, I tried to kill myself twice, I made more cuts and my birthday really sucked, I spent all day holding tears at school, faking smiles and lying to my parents saying to them that I had a good day and that I was really tired, I actually cried all night at home and thought a lot of suicide and why I had failed last time (2 days before); some times I get some little euphoric or maniac episodes and after they're gone I feel worse. Now I'm still depressed, I'm still having suicide thoughts, my wrists were clean and scared until last night, it's a miracle that I didn't end up bleeding out, but I just ended up weak and dizzy; I'm failing four subjects at school and my parents are mad and disappointed about it so they are making me feel worse, I'm not sleeping enough on schooldays and on the weekends I end up sleeping 12 hours and I wake up exhausted and still tired, I lost my appetite and I'm not having dinner and not eating anything at school, I just feel like if my body is going to give up.
I don't know what to do with my life, I can't see myself having a future, working or having a family and I'm starting to think that maybe this year will be the one that I will have the courage to kill myself.

Comments

elph's picture

We must work together...

...to find a solution that will allow you to live the life you'd like!!!

Are you able to state exactly what circumstances cause you to be depressed?

(1) Is it a problem with your friends?
(2) Are you finding that school is proving too difficult?
(3) Are you procrastinating doing your school work... for no good reason?
(4) Is it difficult for you to honestly explain your feelings to your parents?

You sound as though you're very aware when you have negative thoughts. Can you explain what it would take to be happy again?

You have many friends here... let us try to help!

****

And... Oh! Here's wishing you a belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY... about a week late... sorry!

Mogul's picture

I don't know, it's that some

I don't know, it's that some days everything makes me feel sad and breaks me.
1. No
2. No
3. Yes
4. Yes

I don't know what would make me happy because sometimes when they start I can't feel happiness and everything that would make a normal person happy makes me feel worse until it goes.

And Elph I tried to log into Oasis on Saturday and it was impossible, then on Sunday I tried again, I succeed, but it didn't let me go anywhere.

elph's picture

Your answers seem to be quite honest! :)

Just keep trying to maintain a positive outlook!

And... work out a plan that will lead to honest communication with your parents!

What's the worst that could happen? There's no way that they would abandon you... right?

As for the on/off miserable performance of Oasis... you're suffering like everyone else! :(

But... keep trying... the indications are that we might not have too long to wait before Oasis is restored to being fully dependable! Keep your fingers crossed!

Agona_d's picture

here's my $0.02

You sound kind of like your feeling overwhelmed by life, I get this a lot to.

Take a deeeeeeeppppppp breath, take a walk or lock your bedroom door, and think. Think about something your good at. I don't care if you know someone who can do it better. Just think about something your good at, and take a half hour, whole hour, if you want a couple of hours, off from life and just do this one thing that you love to do. If you can't do this in your house go somewhere else and do it.

A couple of other things you can do it help with the stress:
- Take a nap: just to help you recharge.
- go for a walk : depending on what time of the day you do it, it can be very relaxing- if you have a pet you can use it as a excuse to get out of the house.
- exercise: you'll feel stronger and studies have proven that it'll release this stuff in your body that makes you not sad.
-for your school work: you should set aside some time like an hour or two after school to do any homework you received and review notes that you might have taken in class.
- try to structure your day more so that you can more easily deal with what you know is going to happen and have more energy to deal with the unexpected stuff.

I could type more down but I think that'd be a bit excessive and it would be like a dollar instead of two cents and I can't spare any more money.

Hope this helps ^_^

Mogul's picture

Thanks

I'll try them next time it happens

Ann's picture

We care about you

I just want you to know that you're not alone. Admittedly, I've never cut, but I've been depressed, thought I'd be better off not alive, faked smiles, cried until I fell asleep, lied to say I just felt tired. Every year of school since 8th grade ends with my parents having to pay my online school extra money to get extensions on deadlines because I just can't get myself to do the schoolwork. Maybe I'm wrong and I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I hope you can find someone who has.
When you start to think about cutting, have considered any alternatives? Instead of cutting yourself, cut up a piece of wood or an old t-shirt or some such. Wear a rubber band on your wrist and ping it. Use Play Doh to make models of yourself or what you're angry at, and cut or smash them. Break sticks. Rip up an old newspaper or phone book.
I hope this has helped.
Also, happy belated birthday :)

Mogul's picture

It's the same here

Except that I can't postpone the deadline.

I've tried the rubber band, but it doesn't make any difference because I can't feel it, and ripping paper it's very relaxing, ill try the other methods and thanks.

Ann's picture

Sometimes what keeps me from

Sometimes what keeps me from doing schoolwork is that I'm a perfectionist and I have to remind myself that the goal is progress not perfection. Also, when I start schoolwork it stressed me out, a reminder that I'm so behind, so I don't do the schoolwork as a way to the avoid the stress. Those times I remind myself that while stress is uncomfortable it can't hurt you.
I don't remember if I mentioned this one, but another alternative is pinching yourself.
Thanks for being honest.

elph's picture

So...

Please let us know that all is well...