Sometimes I feel like the punchline of some horrible cosmic joke.

radiosilence95's picture

Until I remember that the universe is indifferent to the trivialities of mere mortals like myself. P.S: Buckle up. This is gonna be a long journal.

Anyway, some things. First, prom was this past weekend. My mom was ten times as excited about it as I was, and the closer it came to prom night, the less I wanted to show up. Why would I spend three hours of my Saturday night with classmates I can't stand? Why sit there uncomfortably in a dress, trying to find a group of friends to cling to, sitting in a corner, watching my sweaty, hormonally-challenged peers grind on each other to ridiculous pop hits? Not my definition of fun. I'm not a social butterfly, and dances aren't my thing. Everybody orgasms over prom, spending up to 1,000 dollars on a dress they only wear once, spray tanning and shit. It's just another part of the high school culture that irritates me.

So, I didn't go. Plot twist: my mom doesn't know that. I got myself dressed up, posed for pictures with my friends and whatnot, but after I left the location of our little photo shoot I met Haylee, probably the last friend I have who I actually enjoy being around and who doesn't annoy me and/or hurt me, and we went to a Sonic twenty miles away. Then we came back to town and chilled at our friend Jacob's house until one in the morning. And I can guarantee that I had more fun with those two than I would have EVER had at prom.

"If you don't go, you'll regret it for the rest of your life," everyone was so fond of telling me. Yeah, well, I think I'll have more important things to worry about in adulthood than whether or not I went to prom. Plus, the LGBT group at my college has a gay prom every year, which sounds FANTASTIC. I'll be in my element with people I actually like.

I wore the dress and did pictures, which made my mom happy. Is it wrong to lie to her about going to prom? Maybe. Do I care anymore? Not really. She thinks I went to prom and had a great time and that keeps her happy, so whatever. One minor annoyance: She asked me if I danced with any cute boys. What the hell Mom. Not sure how to interpret that one.

The Monday after prom is senior skip day, which is when seniors just don't show up for school. Since my teachers gave me tests that day, my skip day was Tuesday. My friends Caitlin and Anna journeyed with me to the St. Louis zoo. Half the people we invited didn't go, so I feel like I could've had more fun. Plus Caitlin and Anna are the two friends who I am most prone to be annoyed by. For example, Caitlin slaps me whenever I say a curse word and Anna has a propensity to talk nonstop about an insignificant thing and takes forever to get to the point.

But I still had fun. The best part had to be petting the stingrays. They feel like smooth jelly. And they're like little water house cats, because they'll swim right up to you and nuzzle your hand for attention. So cute. Feeding them is freaky though. They suck the shrimp out of your hand like a vacuum, oftentimes putting half your hand in their mouths.

So yeah. Social life has been on a rise lately, and it'll hopefully stay that way for awhile, since we're all graduating. My grades have slipped because I no longer really care at all about high school. I have three AP tests coming up and feel ill-prepared for all of them. My mom keeps stressing me out about paying for college. I have like twenty books I want to read before I leave for college. I also have final projects and essays that teachers keep shoving in my face and my lack of motivation is making it impossible to focus on them. So yeah.

Finally, my parents. It's been six years since the divorce and they STILL can't work anything out like civil adults. I have to work this weekend, both Saturday and Sunday. My dad lives twelve miles away and wants to bring my car to drive to work. That's about fifty miles in one weekend. My mom doesn't want me to do that. So they argued all night tonight, both of them putting me smack in the middle.

The thing about divorced parents: they'll swear on their lives they keep their kids out of their arguments. They'll swear that they don't drag their kids in the middle or make them choose sides. But they do. Oftentimes without even realizing it. My mom and dad both talk about each other to me and then turn around and say that it's not about choosing sides. And this used to hurt me, but now it just annoys the shit out of me.

My mom started crying tonight because--get this--my dad told her that she didn't have a real job at eighteen unlike me. Call me heartless, but I didn't feel an ounce of pity for her, just irritation. Grow up. It's been six years and your ex still gets to you like that? Jesus Christ, move on. She's only putting up a fight about me driving because she wants to prove a point to him. I'm a means for both of them to prove something to each other and it's so frustrating.

For fuck's sake I am just so done with everything. Done with friends, done with school, done with parents, done with classmates, done with work, just done. I'm beyond ready for the next phase of my life and it's taking its sweet time to begin.


jeff's picture


I doubt you'll have any regrets about missing your prom. A bit extreme to pretend you did go, but whatever, heh.

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

radiosilence95's picture

My mom wouldn't take no for

My mom wouldn't take no for an answer. When I caved in, I planned on only going for like half an hour or so, but the night of prom I was so unwilling to go I kinda just didn't go at all. It was an in-the-moment impulse, really.

Super Duck's picture

I didn't go to prom either.

I didn't go to prom either. None of my friends did! I didn't really see the point in me going because I didn't have a date (and even if I did, I couldn't bring her), none of my friends wanted to go in the first place, and most of the people at my school don't deserve to see me all pretty and fancy anyway! :P

I totally understand what you mean about just being so done with everything. I feel the same way.

radiosilence95's picture

I probably would've gone to

I probably would've gone to prom if I had a date. Even if people judged and stared and shit. Although my idea of a good date with a lovely lady doesn't really involve uncomfortable dresses and a giant crowd of dancing teenagers.

Bosemaster42's picture


I had four wonderful girl-friends through Junior & Senior High, actually, two of them I had been friendly with since Freshman days. I asked one of the girls from the group if she wanted to go to prom, just for the partying, of course, and she agreed. I knew my mother wanted pictures nd all that, considering it was rare to see me in a suit, especially with a fucking tie.( I hate them) We had a good time and my mother got her pictures, so it was a win-win.
Sorry to hear about your parents being unable to put their differences aside. All too common. I've seen what you described happen to some of my friends and it's just not fair to your kid.
I fucked-off far too much in my Junior year, so I had no choice, I had to finish my senior year strong, which I did. The thought of not graduating inspired me to get my shit together. I was shall we say, an underachiever. I attributed it to being bored, but that's all water under the bridge. I would think your smart enough, even if ill-prepared, to get through your classes and tests. It'll be over sooner than you think, what is it another two months?
That's nothing for you.

radiosilence95's picture

I am still confused about

I am still confused about how it's determined whether or not you graduate. I only need 23 credits to graduate, but I already have like 26 and I'll be graduating with around 30, which leads me to believe that it's okay for me to slack off a bit. But then someone told me that it doesn't matter how many credits you already have, failing too many classes still means no graduating. So I don't know. All I know is that I have no motivation to do anything school-related and I still have a ton of work to do.

Bosemaster42's picture


Basically, you need to pass all your core subjects. The one thing that still puzzles me, is Physical Education. I mean, essentially I think most kids treat it like recess, yet, if you fail or simply don't attend, you won't graduate.
In my Junior year, I received my schedule and somehow, Phys-ed was missing from it. You would think my "guidance counselor" would have caught the omission. She was a drunk, unfortunately, and I didn't respect her, so I played dumb and didn't bring it up. About mid-term, she called me into her office and informed me about the mistake. Then, she said I wouldn't be able to graduate unless I got those credits. I was an arrogant fool and half-heartedly attended about 30% of the classes for the remainder of the year. I was only interested in Hockey and Basketball, so I attended those activities and blew-off the rest.
I was smoking pot with regularity, amongst other things, and I cut too many English classes. English was my last class of the day, so the temptation to cut was overwhelming. At the end of the year, regardless of passing my finals with ease and maintaining an A- quiz average and B+ test average, my English teacher(Mrs.O'Brien) told me she had to fail me because I missed 23 days during the year. 21 was the max allowed.
She was distraught more than I was, because I was one of her favorite students. She loved my writing, but also the way I would read Shakespeare aloud. Anyway, I now was faced with making-up both English and Phys-ed.
They truly busted my balls for Senior year. I had to take both Jr.& Sr. English with the most difficult teacher in the entire school. This guy was hard-core with the homework assignments and writing assignments. He said if homework wasn't passed in, he'd take two points off your final grade for the quarter. Of course, I had to test him on his sincerity. He failed me for the first term in my Sr. class. From that point on and after a meeting with him in the hallway, I gave him my best efforts and earned a B and B+, repectively.
My parents paid $100 and I went to this camp in Maine for a week of intense physical education. It was like fucking boot camp. First day there with trust-falling, sitting in circles and some other 'hippie-shit', I thought it was going to be a week in hell. The joke was on me though, I conquered some fears that week and learned I could push myself physically and actually succeed. The only thing I didn't like was the co-ed field hockey on a rain-soaked, muddy field. Girls can be vicious with those clubs.
Sorry for the long-winded step-back in time.

radiosilence95's picture

Man that's awful.

Our education system is totally fucked. I'm an above-average student, I've always excelled in school, but one bad grade in P.E and I can't graduate. How fucked up is that?

My counselor has been equally disappointing. She isn't a drunk, but she gave me zero help when I was trying to figure out college. Neither of my parents know anything about financial aid and scholarships so I really could've used some help, but she gave me none. As a result I missed a lot of scholarship deadlines. Financial aid worked out for me really well though.

Also counselors at my school just let kids sign up for classes they don't need but think they do, or classes that are above their capability, or don't tell them what classes they need, so when it's crunch time at the end of the year they find out their schedule doesn't even match their requirements. It's ridiculous.

I could ramble on and on about schools, but I'll stop there :P

Bosemaster42's picture

I look back,

and at the time, it appeared the camp thing was going to suck, but I have to admit, it changed some self-esteem issues I had. Not to mention, it clearly demonstrated I could survive under some extreme conditions. This was no vacation, far from it. Everyone had to participate in every sporting event and if you refused to do anything, they just sent you home with no credits.
I left the city with no pot stashed in my bag for the first time in a long time. If you were caught with drugs or alcohol, you were sent home.
Every morning, this English older guy would ring this annoying bell at the top of the hill at exactly 6:00am. and you had to run,jog, or walk this three-mile route. The English guy was so bright and chipper in the morning he made me sick. After the morning jog, you had ten minutes to shower and go eat breakfast in the lodge. If you were a fast runner and got to the showers first, you had hot water. I didn't take a hot shower until the last morning that week. I can't even describe how fucking cold that water was. Let's put it this way, it was so cold it made my brain hurt and my dick retreated up into my asshole for warmth. Sorry for being so graphic, but true. It was still very early spring, and it gets below freezing in Maine at night, even though the days were in the 50's & 60's. In fact, the boys had to sleep in the cabins at the bottom of the hill and at the base of a pond or lake. There was still about six inches of ice on the surface. The girls stayed in the heated cabins, at the top of the hill. We had a woodstove in the cabin,but once that went out, it was freezing.
We did three activities a day, including the morning torture run. I remember my friend Alan told me he had brought some hashish with him.
I think it was the night before the last day there, after dinner we bolted the main lodge and went back to the cabin. I got that wood stove cranking nice heat and we huddled in front of it and smoked. Our counselors were BU grad students, most of which were athletes. One of the counselors walked in as we finished a bowl. He was a football player and he says " got any more of that?" We handed him the bowl and he smoked with us. That was awesome! He didn't bust our balls because we did everything asked of us.

Ann's picture

Good for you, having fun on

Good for you, having fun on your own terms despite other people's standards! If I was public/private schooled I wouldn't go to prom either.
I'm sorry about your parents. Mine act similarly except their married.
I hope everything works out with school.

radiosilence95's picture

Well, my mother probably

Well, my mother probably wouldn't have the same attitude as you do about my not going to prom. I'm sure we'll have a good laugh about it when I confess to her twenty years from now :P

LostSouls's picture

Dances here in the Bible Belt

are kinda weird. The high school has a prom but because this isn't a wealthy part of the country you don't have limos or anything like that. Lots of pickups. LOL

The different business in town help sponsor the prom, and I know that because of all the donation buckets everwhere. The Christian churches have their own prom and it's super strict! There's dances at our middle school and we go only to hang out with our friends and to keep our cover up. Other than that it's a waste of time.


LostSouls are four gay friends-Alex, Dalton, Chase, & Jake-who ended up being stepbrothers by dumb luck. We are also a support group for four other gay kids who have to keep their sexuality a secret. We live in the Bible Belt, which explains a lot.

radiosilence95's picture

I kinda know what you mean.

I kinda know what you mean. Illinois is a slightly better version of the Bible Belt. The town I live in is pretty much entirely Christian or Catholic. I went to an awards ceremony/banquet for school once and they, the association who organized the whole thing, made us pray before we ate lunch. It annoyed me and when I griped about it my Christian friend got pissed at me, saying that I am obligated to go along with it because "they're in charge."